"i called her back twice, (the woman who does freelancing) more than that is humiliating." yeah and I have an appointment with WIC on Friday. FML

No joke, a dog just barked at me and scared the shit out of me and I cried. Like an asshole in the bike shop. COOL.

"Wow you are really popping out!!! You aren't that far along, are you?" From owner
/ boss at work today.
Oh really? Fuck you.

This morning I sneezed and had this gut wrenching pain across my abdomen. A few minutes later I went to the bathroom, I freaked thinking there was blood in my underpants. Imagine how pleased I was when I discovered I had only pooped my pants.

Eff you

Ambivalence occurs in intimate relationships when there is the coexistence of opposing emotions and desires towards the other that create an uncertainty about being in the relationship.

I got one for you...

What is worse than being pregnant, without health insurance?

No really, I am asking...

Trying to keep the sprouts if depression from rooting through self-care. Constant maintenance required. So angry, anger leads to resentment, which leads to shitty behavior (acting out). Childish bullshit.

Girl I get it. Ugh I wish I didn't but I do.
What can I say? You won't always feel like this? And even the prospect that this shitty painful feeling isn't permanent is what keeps me putting one foot in front of the other.
Fake it til you make it.
Concentrate on the things that give you pleasure and joy.

There is beauty here with the pain and maybe one cannot exist without the other. And whatever it is that makes us types so sensitive, well there has to be a reason. I am not sure what yet but the universe is smarter than that, I Have to believe.
Even though I have a sick tape in my head that basically undermines my very existance. I have to fight it. You have value. You are here for a reason. At least wait until your 30's.
God my 20s sucked. And even though on paper my 30s have also sucked some big balls, I feel more comfortable in my skin and feel like I am closer to peace.

While I have a hard time finding reason in my own existence, I have no question in
My mind that you are special and there is no other DA in the universe.

I don't know if that helps or just sounds like a pile of poo.

You gotta keep fighting. For your mom, for yourself, shit, for me,
Just because this is how it is right now does not mean this is what it is always going to be like. That is the only thing that gets me through the bad times. And keep talking about it. Get outside your head.
-Your partner in the good fight.

Every morning or when I get home or whatever, I wonder what is going to be his excuse for being an asshole this time? Allergies, sobriety, AA, work, boy, animals...the newest one, grumpy from quitting smoking since it was making me wretch.

Hypothetically, if you are to stumble upon your husbands blog from rehab. Do not read it! This cannot be emphsized enough.
If you did it may hypothetically make you throw up in the garden. May make you realize you didn't know your husband at all. May make you question your whole life with him.

You want to hear about how depressed Jon is? Yeah me neither.

Don't Ask
So I am watching some battle of the best of america's funniest home videos. Yeah don't ask, anyway coolio voted for the laughing 4 babies. I am laughing, like a lot. Kathy griffin and someone called peek-a-boo? Are judging?
Jon is out of rehab. He is living in a sober living environment. The roomate is gone. Thank the gods. Jon was fired from his job. Been quite a year.
Yee-ha.

It is so bizaro to look down and see a different body- small wrists, legs that don't rub together, lost 2 pants sizes and about 30lbs over the last 6-9 months.
I am hella skinny. Skinnier than I was before I had the kid. Back to my gym rat, dieting-like-mad, fighting weight. I look awesome. My friend calls it the devils trade off: look fantastic feel like shit. I'll take it. I feel like I took the sleeping cure. But I guess it was just a modifiesd depression diet. Also I don't want to give j the excuse to cat around. "He's got the good shit at home."
Whatever - let it go.