For WWIII-
Today is my last day of taking care of my neighbors cat. Apparently not a moment too soon. As I may or may not have mentioned in the past. I hate cats.
I was cleaning up and making sure the place looked neat and stuff.
E loves their house because they have two floors. He gets up the stairs and requests "mummy monster" so I scare him and chase him all over. I took the poop litter outside, and don't you know, I locked myself out. My neighbors are due home today so that wouldn't have been too big of a deal, except I had locked E inside. After 1 minute of panic, I grabbed a ladder, took it up the stairs outside and climbed to the top of the ladder and kinda had to jump to a window. Had I been 2oz fatter, I would have fallen and broken my ankle(s). I had to hoist my enormous ass into the window (thank god it was unlocked) and then dump myself into the house onto their synthesizer. It was exactly as graceful as it sounds. I was wearing lime green pj bottoms with navy blue sweatered polar bears propped up with ski paraphernalia, and oyster colored "shearling" slippers, both presents from my moms.
I get inside and E didn't even notice I was gone. The E runs aggressively at their cat like he does to ours and the cat took a swipe at him and scratched him on the leg. About 1 minute after I am back in the house, directly right under my nose.
My belly and my legs hurt from hanging into the window. When I was hanging with my huge, lime green ass kinda stuck in the window, moving musical instruments from breaking my fall in, while trying to summon the remaining strength to drag my business end into the house. I must have looked like a flannel clad horse-ass in a traveling wagon.
Brighteners for the Pet Lover's Heart, December 28:
Buterflies are at first long worms.
But then they start living right.
-A Child's Garden of Misinformation
Yuckers.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Happy Anniversary Parental Units
So today is my parents 32nd wedding anniversary.
I didn't send them a card or anything. I know my dad's sister sends them a card every year and my grandmother. When my brothers and I get our heads out of our respective asses sometimes we can pull off a gift.
Thirty-two years is a long fucking time. I cannot imagine.
Our holiday was blessedly quiet. We ordered our ham dinner from a nice shop. We were all kinda sick. Just snotty and stuffy. Good times.
My baby brother came through in a big way and got us a new laptop. Which I am happily clicking away on now. Otherwise the gifts were pretty modest. I tried to get jon Visionaire #52. But when I got to the SFMOMA, there was only one left and there was a slice in the leather. So not cool to give someone a damaged collectors' item book. So jon got socks and underwear.
He gave me a massage which I got yesterday at Kabuki Springs Baths, I actually remembered to wear my contacts so I could stare at all the other naked ladies.
Every time, yes all 4 times, I go there, I see a beautiful bald almost amazonian lesbian there. Where are these women in RL? Also, to lez out for a sec, it is shocking to see the perfect pair of tits some of these women are packing. I realise I will never have the body again of a woman who hasn't has a baby, but that doesn't mean I should give up all together. Or Does it?
My MIL got me a christian book "365 Day Brighteners for the Pet Lovers Soul." Here is today's':
You should be like one big happy family...loving one another with tender hearts and humble minds." I Peter 3:8 TLB
My first question is what is the living bible? is the "real" bible dead?
She is also the type of person that will forward around all those "merry christmas vs happy holiday" debaters, as if that is the civil liberties we need to protect.
Also - I hate my animals. I mean I can sometimes tolerate the goddamned dog. But the fucking cats, my god, I can tell that I am off my medication by the fact I have kicked otis. He broke my beautiful orchid, which was kinda my pride and joy. He pulled the E's Christmas ham off of his high chair (or table as he calls it.) I have been taking care of my neighbors cat while they are away. Why do people keep cats? They are such awful animals. Their cat tried to take me out on their stairs.
My cats vomit everyday. It is not if they barfed, but where is it and when am I going to step in it with my bare feet.
If I had a nickle for every time I said to an animal "I am going to f*n kill you..." we wouldn't have our current mortgage problems.
I didn't send them a card or anything. I know my dad's sister sends them a card every year and my grandmother. When my brothers and I get our heads out of our respective asses sometimes we can pull off a gift.
Thirty-two years is a long fucking time. I cannot imagine.
Our holiday was blessedly quiet. We ordered our ham dinner from a nice shop. We were all kinda sick. Just snotty and stuffy. Good times.
My baby brother came through in a big way and got us a new laptop. Which I am happily clicking away on now. Otherwise the gifts were pretty modest. I tried to get jon Visionaire #52. But when I got to the SFMOMA, there was only one left and there was a slice in the leather. So not cool to give someone a damaged collectors' item book. So jon got socks and underwear.
He gave me a massage which I got yesterday at Kabuki Springs Baths, I actually remembered to wear my contacts so I could stare at all the other naked ladies.
Every time, yes all 4 times, I go there, I see a beautiful bald almost amazonian lesbian there. Where are these women in RL? Also, to lez out for a sec, it is shocking to see the perfect pair of tits some of these women are packing. I realise I will never have the body again of a woman who hasn't has a baby, but that doesn't mean I should give up all together. Or Does it?
My MIL got me a christian book "365 Day Brighteners for the Pet Lovers Soul." Here is today's':
You should be like one big happy family...loving one another with tender hearts and humble minds." I Peter 3:8 TLB
My first question is what is the living bible? is the "real" bible dead?
She is also the type of person that will forward around all those "merry christmas vs happy holiday" debaters, as if that is the civil liberties we need to protect.
Also - I hate my animals. I mean I can sometimes tolerate the goddamned dog. But the fucking cats, my god, I can tell that I am off my medication by the fact I have kicked otis. He broke my beautiful orchid, which was kinda my pride and joy. He pulled the E's Christmas ham off of his high chair (or table as he calls it.) I have been taking care of my neighbors cat while they are away. Why do people keep cats? They are such awful animals. Their cat tried to take me out on their stairs.
My cats vomit everyday. It is not if they barfed, but where is it and when am I going to step in it with my bare feet.
If I had a nickle for every time I said to an animal "I am going to f*n kill you..." we wouldn't have our current mortgage problems.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Decembers Post
I write my little blog posts in my head all day. You may think there would be more actual posts of the reading variety, but you would be wrong.
I have a very rich inner life.
The Haps-
-E is now 2.
-I took myself off my meds.
- My babysitter quit me.
-I had both of J's parents here for E's b-day. Wait haven't they been divorced for 18 years? Why were they both at your house at the same time?
-All of my childbearing friends are pregnant.
-the husband and I have been disagreeing about everything, I dread the weekends.
-We are staying out here for the holidays. j is not taking any time off (see above), so it will be just like not having xmas, since we can't afford presents this year.
- I think I am not sending xmas cards out again this year. I chose a photo and foolishly asked my MIL opinion. It was a photo from July but a really cute one. MIL: 'oh my god don't use that one, it doesn't look anything like him anymore. Use this one.' Which was literally taken 5 days after we got back from MA. So fuck it, no cards.
- The house is great, but it is killing j. I guess the impending doom of foreclosure is just like waiting for an artery to burst, or a marriage to end.
-Since I have taken myself off the pills. I have realized what a great tool they were for keeping me a live when I wanted to kill myself. But once the "crisis" had passed, I was giving the pills way too much power.
I am angry all the time now, but I think I am just an angry person. Let's be honest, I am a bit of a victim. Nothing is my fault, yet I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I guess this is why I don't post more. Who gives a shit?
I have a very rich inner life.
The Haps-
-E is now 2.
-I took myself off my meds.
- My babysitter quit me.
-I had both of J's parents here for E's b-day. Wait haven't they been divorced for 18 years? Why were they both at your house at the same time?
-All of my childbearing friends are pregnant.
-the husband and I have been disagreeing about everything, I dread the weekends.
-We are staying out here for the holidays. j is not taking any time off (see above), so it will be just like not having xmas, since we can't afford presents this year.
- I think I am not sending xmas cards out again this year. I chose a photo and foolishly asked my MIL opinion. It was a photo from July but a really cute one. MIL: 'oh my god don't use that one, it doesn't look anything like him anymore. Use this one.' Which was literally taken 5 days after we got back from MA. So fuck it, no cards.
- The house is great, but it is killing j. I guess the impending doom of foreclosure is just like waiting for an artery to burst, or a marriage to end.
-Since I have taken myself off the pills. I have realized what a great tool they were for keeping me a live when I wanted to kill myself. But once the "crisis" had passed, I was giving the pills way too much power.
I am angry all the time now, but I think I am just an angry person. Let's be honest, I am a bit of a victim. Nothing is my fault, yet I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I guess this is why I don't post more. Who gives a shit?
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
First Tuesday of the Month
Here, all the museums are free on the first Tuesday of the month.
E and I went to the Asian Art Museum.
He was a blooming monster. He screeched through the fashion exhibit. A retarded dude tried to quiet him down by touching him, E was not amused.
Topper, there was a suicide attempt, Oh Yeah We Could See the Jumper from the Museum.
I have seen more than my fair share of bodies jumping to their death. I don't need to TAKE PICTURES OF IT FROM MY PHONE! honestly.
I believe I may have gotten the recognition that ends my blogging career.
promises written on greenhouses
Dreams are strong.
E and I went to the Asian Art Museum.
He was a blooming monster. He screeched through the fashion exhibit. A retarded dude tried to quiet him down by touching him, E was not amused.
Topper, there was a suicide attempt, Oh Yeah We Could See the Jumper from the Museum.
I have seen more than my fair share of bodies jumping to their death. I don't need to TAKE PICTURES OF IT FROM MY PHONE! honestly.
I believe I may have gotten the recognition that ends my blogging career.
promises written on greenhouses
Dreams are strong.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Anniversaries
I started taking the Zoloft 1 year ago today. Pretty crazy, that I was admitting to myself that things were that bad.
Also equally hard to believe that Jon left on Sunday for a 12 day European trip, I was reprimanded by my MIL for calling it a two week trip. Me and my big, dramatic, mouth.
Due to a scheduling mix-up, my MIL was here last week, she also left on Sunday. So, I am here alone, till next Thursday, as in next month. So yeah, he is missing Halloween...
Also equally hard to believe that Jon left on Sunday for a 12 day European trip, I was reprimanded by my MIL for calling it a two week trip. Me and my big, dramatic, mouth.
Due to a scheduling mix-up, my MIL was here last week, she also left on Sunday. So, I am here alone, till next Thursday, as in next month. So yeah, he is missing Halloween...
Monday, October 01, 2007
dear dr liza
I need to straighten some thing out on my own.
These are the realities I am working with:
I feel better, now. I have been feeling pretty good for a while now.
I know the longer I stay on the pills the better the "good pathways" are established chemically, in my brain, with pills.
But-
Who cares? I get off pills, have #2 baby. I still have a 50/50 chance of getting the depression again.
Makes me thing this is more than chemical, like it was some kind of choice. I am still daily struggling between "I can't" and "I have to." Where is the disconnect? Herein lies my conundrum.
This isn't about $. My MIL is still paying. You can send your last bill right to her.
Sorry to be such a flake. You are in the business of crazy though, so you must be used to it.
I feel like it has been too long since I called you and I missed all those appointments. You have literally saved my life. But, I don't want to come back, now.
I could be so lucky that this is the last you hear from me.
These are the realities I am working with:
I feel better, now. I have been feeling pretty good for a while now.
I know the longer I stay on the pills the better the "good pathways" are established chemically, in my brain, with pills.
But-
Who cares? I get off pills, have #2 baby. I still have a 50/50 chance of getting the depression again.
Makes me thing this is more than chemical, like it was some kind of choice. I am still daily struggling between "I can't" and "I have to." Where is the disconnect? Herein lies my conundrum.
This isn't about $. My MIL is still paying. You can send your last bill right to her.
Sorry to be such a flake. You are in the business of crazy though, so you must be used to it.
I feel like it has been too long since I called you and I missed all those appointments. You have literally saved my life. But, I don't want to come back, now.
I could be so lucky that this is the last you hear from me.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Thursday
It has been a weird Thursday already. I had a play date with a friend, J. Her son H, is 4 days older than ours. She told me today she was preggo. Due Dec 5, an oops baby. I am am having such weird conflicting feelings.
Jealousy- which I found surprising.
Pity- being pregnant is not fun, and she is never going to sleep again.
Joy- a friend of mine is having a baby and I will get to hold it!
I am going to see Barry Bonds today - Giants vs Braves. Think he'll hit 2 homers?
I am going to try to eat 2 hot dogs.
Jealousy- which I found surprising.
Pity- being pregnant is not fun, and she is never going to sleep again.
Joy- a friend of mine is having a baby and I will get to hold it!
I am going to see Barry Bonds today - Giants vs Braves. Think he'll hit 2 homers?
I am going to try to eat 2 hot dogs.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Things that are super sweet about our new place.
1. Dishwasher
2. Washer / Dryer on the premises. We still don't have our own but we share one with 4 other units and no quarters, so a big improvement for us.
3. Plenty of space. I am currently in the office/ guest room. jon is cooking, e is watching shrek. All as it should be.
4. Garbage Disposal
5. We have a little shared courtyard. I am the current gardener. I love watering the plants, I planted some lavender and some mint.
6. Huge generous closets.
7. Real Kitchen.
8. Significantly quieter than our old place. Since that was actually on Haight St.
9. For I am pretty sure the first time in our relationship, we can each get into our own side of the bed, we each have our own night stand (alarm clock, places for our eye masks, chap stick, personals), Bliss.
Things that are not so sweet:
1. Huge fucking mortgage. I guarantee mine is bigger than yours!
2. I think out neighbors are haters.
3. See #2 and I just feel a little like, ugh, I don't want them to catch me smoking. or I don't want the animals to be too loud. I don't feel welcome.
4. You can't tell people you bought a place in SF. Everyone accuses you of being rich. So...not the case. aka haters
What's not to love?
I am doing really very well. Have been feeling fantastic and been taking care of mine. I just read the most fantastic book Random Family, totally addicting.
I have also been wasting time on myspace. Cause I am cool like that, super late to jump on the bandwagon! I have been chatting with my high school sweetheart.
2. Washer / Dryer on the premises. We still don't have our own but we share one with 4 other units and no quarters, so a big improvement for us.
3. Plenty of space. I am currently in the office/ guest room. jon is cooking, e is watching shrek. All as it should be.
4. Garbage Disposal
5. We have a little shared courtyard. I am the current gardener. I love watering the plants, I planted some lavender and some mint.
6. Huge generous closets.
7. Real Kitchen.
8. Significantly quieter than our old place. Since that was actually on Haight St.
9. For I am pretty sure the first time in our relationship, we can each get into our own side of the bed, we each have our own night stand (alarm clock, places for our eye masks, chap stick, personals), Bliss.
Things that are not so sweet:
1. Huge fucking mortgage. I guarantee mine is bigger than yours!
2. I think out neighbors are haters.
3. See #2 and I just feel a little like, ugh, I don't want them to catch me smoking. or I don't want the animals to be too loud. I don't feel welcome.
4. You can't tell people you bought a place in SF. Everyone accuses you of being rich. So...not the case. aka haters
What's not to love?
I am doing really very well. Have been feeling fantastic and been taking care of mine. I just read the most fantastic book Random Family, totally addicting.
I have also been wasting time on myspace. Cause I am cool like that, super late to jump on the bandwagon! I have been chatting with my high school sweetheart.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
unfreaking believable (in the best way) or I have a dishwasher!!
So yeah,
We took the dive. the huge major dive into home ownership, in SF. We are nuts, I know, please don't tell me.
We have like, a nice house, with a dishwasher. It is in a co-op which are wildly popular in SF.
The move was a nightmare and jon and I were at each others throats. But that is how you are supposed to be when you buy a place and move. hella stressful.
This move is so fantastic for the baby. And the animals. It is great. We are all happy. Way over our heads in debt in such a way that I have to laugh.
We have no internet or phone. But I have my cell for those of you in the know.
We took the dive. the huge major dive into home ownership, in SF. We are nuts, I know, please don't tell me.
We have like, a nice house, with a dishwasher. It is in a co-op which are wildly popular in SF.
The move was a nightmare and jon and I were at each others throats. But that is how you are supposed to be when you buy a place and move. hella stressful.
This move is so fantastic for the baby. And the animals. It is great. We are all happy. Way over our heads in debt in such a way that I have to laugh.
We have no internet or phone. But I have my cell for those of you in the know.
Friday, June 08, 2007
love life
As the housing crisis heightens in our household, I am doing not so well. The stress is literally killing me. I can't eat or sleep, and I have been pooping mud for days.
I went to see Dr Liz on Weds. I went in, smiling through clenched teeth. By the end, I was sobbing and angry.
I went to see Dr Liz on Weds. I went in, smiling through clenched teeth. By the end, I was sobbing and angry.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Why People Don't Like Me
Bold the ones you’ve read
Leave blank the ones that you aren’t interested in.
1. The DaVinci Code (Dan Brown)
2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery)
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)
16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling)
17. Fall on Your Knees (Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. The Stand (Stephen King)
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Rowling)
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte
21. The Hobbit (Tolkien)
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
34. 1984 (Orwell)
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
37. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)- maybe
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)
45. The Bible I have read parts but definitely not all of it
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
50. She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
53. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card)
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy)
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice) I never finished this one
65. Fifth Business (Robertson Davis)
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. Les Miserables (Hugo)
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding)
72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
76. The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
78. The World According to Garp (John Irving)
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
80. Charlotte's Web (E.B. White)
81. Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)
83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
85. Emma (Jane Austen)
86. Watership Down(Richard Adams)
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
89. Blindness (Jose Saramago)
90. Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
91. In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)
92. Lord of the Flies (Golding)
93. The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton)
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100. Ulysses (James Joyce)
I am a loser - I don't really even know where this list came from. But I done read a lot!
Leave blank the ones that you aren’t interested in.
1. The DaVinci Code (Dan Brown)
2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery)
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)
16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling)
17. Fall on Your Knees (Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. The Stand (Stephen King)
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Rowling)
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte
21. The Hobbit (Tolkien)
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
34. 1984 (Orwell)
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
37. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)- maybe
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)
45. The Bible I have read parts but definitely not all of it
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
50. She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
53. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card)
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy)
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice) I never finished this one
65. Fifth Business (Robertson Davis)
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. Les Miserables (Hugo)
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding)
72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
76. The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
78. The World According to Garp (John Irving)
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
80. Charlotte's Web (E.B. White)
81. Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)
83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
85. Emma (Jane Austen)
86. Watership Down(Richard Adams)
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
89. Blindness (Jose Saramago)
90. Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
91. In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)
92. Lord of the Flies (Golding)
93. The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton)
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100. Ulysses (James Joyce)
I am a loser - I don't really even know where this list came from. But I done read a lot!
Friday, May 25, 2007
'tevs
originally I was hoping that the next time I blogged i would have photos of our new house. But I should have known to dump that optimism into the trash.
no house, still doing very well (mood wise)
I can see how some people have warned me about this 18 mo phase. He is so fucking fun! we are having a blast and laughing all the time. I am starting to feel the fever. Thankfully there are several new babies in the area and so I have been able to hold them and that quiets the beast for a while. Especially if they barf on me!
Sorry for the lame post. I have a couple of decent stories stored up that I want to post, we shall see.
peace out y'all.
no house, still doing very well (mood wise)
I can see how some people have warned me about this 18 mo phase. He is so fucking fun! we are having a blast and laughing all the time. I am starting to feel the fever. Thankfully there are several new babies in the area and so I have been able to hold them and that quiets the beast for a while. Especially if they barf on me!
Sorry for the lame post. I have a couple of decent stories stored up that I want to post, we shall see.
peace out y'all.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
housing schmousing
I have been feeling fantastic.
I just want to shout it from the rooftops. I really hit a major turn about, and I am feeling fine.
I am handling shit. TCOB like it is going out of style.
I mean nothing major, just being able to make decisions and handle minor setbacks as they come.
We are in the process of trying to buy a house. I was really hoping that I would be able to write bought a house by this time but no such luck. The three offers we have made have been outbid by 25K, 80K, and 45K respectively. Want to visit a real mad house? Go to one of these crazy open houses where the yuppies are swarming like flies to shit, and just as possessive. What an emotional roller coaster. Yes I love the house and want to go into huge debt so that I can have it. Yes, commit commit commit. Then no no it wasn't that great since we lost it, something better will come along, yeah right.
The San Francisco housing market, at our level, is really silly. Everything goes over the asking price. and basically if a house has been on the market for more than 2 weeks without any offers you have to figure out what is wrong with it, because there is something wrong with it.
example, we go and look at this place well within our budget, it is one of the most beautiful places ever. Knockout fireplaces, dark original wood throughout, pretty big. Perfect except it is over a bar and they obviously smoke in the bar because it was seeping up through the floor.
example 2, wonderful quirky property in a nice neighborhood, good size, distinct possibility, oh except there is a 60k estimate for termites that may or may not be undermining the foundation.
So it is like that.
My parents were just here they left yesterday. May I reiterate how much a hate Fisherman's Wharf and Ghirardelli fucking Square (my poison against Ghirardelli was tempered with arguable the best hot chocolate I have ever consumed).
oh and I got a label maker. OCD here i come...
Things are going fine. I can't believe this is how people walk around feeling, like all the time.
I just want to shout it from the rooftops. I really hit a major turn about, and I am feeling fine.
I am handling shit. TCOB like it is going out of style.
I mean nothing major, just being able to make decisions and handle minor setbacks as they come.
We are in the process of trying to buy a house. I was really hoping that I would be able to write bought a house by this time but no such luck. The three offers we have made have been outbid by 25K, 80K, and 45K respectively. Want to visit a real mad house? Go to one of these crazy open houses where the yuppies are swarming like flies to shit, and just as possessive. What an emotional roller coaster. Yes I love the house and want to go into huge debt so that I can have it. Yes, commit commit commit. Then no no it wasn't that great since we lost it, something better will come along, yeah right.
The San Francisco housing market, at our level, is really silly. Everything goes over the asking price. and basically if a house has been on the market for more than 2 weeks without any offers you have to figure out what is wrong with it, because there is something wrong with it.
example, we go and look at this place well within our budget, it is one of the most beautiful places ever. Knockout fireplaces, dark original wood throughout, pretty big. Perfect except it is over a bar and they obviously smoke in the bar because it was seeping up through the floor.
example 2, wonderful quirky property in a nice neighborhood, good size, distinct possibility, oh except there is a 60k estimate for termites that may or may not be undermining the foundation.
So it is like that.
My parents were just here they left yesterday. May I reiterate how much a hate Fisherman's Wharf and Ghirardelli fucking Square (my poison against Ghirardelli was tempered with arguable the best hot chocolate I have ever consumed).
oh and I got a label maker. OCD here i come...
Things are going fine. I can't believe this is how people walk around feeling, like all the time.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Nirvana
I have been listening to a lot of Nirvana lately. It has been making me sad. Poor Kurt, he was so fricken fucked up. He is the poster boy for depression. Lithium is like the depression anthem. God, Smells Like Teen Spirit, I cannot help but be sent right to where I was when I first heard that song. We were at Jaime Whitney's house, up in her room and we just listened to it over and over and over and over again. We were dancing like freaks. It makes me feel happy and sad for young kristen. I had no idea the song would still move me so deeply 15 years later. That the song would still be so important.
I have been having a pretty good week.
I almost went a full week without crying. Then I cried in yoga on Friday cause it was too hard :(
But a whole week without tears? Shit - the meds are finally starting to do their job.
I sent this weird group email a few minutes ago ( i kinda want to undo):
Please excuse the group email:
I wanted to write this note, to some of the important people in my life, as a little explanation.
I have been battling severe PP depression for the last year. It started 4 months after Elias was born. I feel like I really hit rock bottom around his 1st birthday and the first few months of this year have been incredibly difficult.
I have not been responding to emails, or phone calls, or anything for that matter. I hope you can understand why. It has been hard for me to function.
I have been feeling much better for the last week. A combination of therapy and medication seems to have finally brought some relief.
I have been embarrassed of this affliction. But I am trying hard to overcome that. It sucks so hard and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I am not ashamed. I have done the very best I could under the crumby circumstances. But with me being so far away it is easy to hide, but I wouldn't hide if I had a broken leg, right? I just happen to have a broken brain right now.
that's it.
It feels good to have written it and to believe that everything I wrote is true.
I have been having a pretty good week.
I almost went a full week without crying. Then I cried in yoga on Friday cause it was too hard :(
But a whole week without tears? Shit - the meds are finally starting to do their job.
I sent this weird group email a few minutes ago ( i kinda want to undo):
Please excuse the group email:
I wanted to write this note, to some of the important people in my life, as a little explanation.
I have been battling severe PP depression for the last year. It started 4 months after Elias was born. I feel like I really hit rock bottom around his 1st birthday and the first few months of this year have been incredibly difficult.
I have not been responding to emails, or phone calls, or anything for that matter. I hope you can understand why. It has been hard for me to function.
I have been feeling much better for the last week. A combination of therapy and medication seems to have finally brought some relief.
I have been embarrassed of this affliction. But I am trying hard to overcome that. It sucks so hard and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I am not ashamed. I have done the very best I could under the crumby circumstances. But with me being so far away it is easy to hide, but I wouldn't hide if I had a broken leg, right? I just happen to have a broken brain right now.
that's it.
It feels good to have written it and to believe that everything I wrote is true.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Markers and Milestones
Tomorrow is my last day at the hospital. This last month has seemed so long and simultaneously so short.
I don't feel like I am the same hopelessly morose girl that checked in, but it seems like it was just a few days ago that I was hourly, if not minutely, trying to talk myself out of the Bell Jar.
Also middle March will mark a full year of the depression. It was really shitty from end of November until I went in to the hospital. I really didn't think I was going to make it. It sounds so dramatic, but suicide really seemed like the only option for many of those black days. I was in so much pain. Since then I have had probably 10 days of "good days" in the last month. 1o whole days of just passive suicidal ideations and not full on planning and sending out goodbye letters to friends. They keep telling me this is the road to recovery. Of course I will still have bad days (Friday to Monday were very ugly) but they will be less and less and permeated by good days.
The hospital was miraculous for being able to push my meds to a therapeutic level in a much shorter time than Dr. Liz ever felt comfortable to do with me alone. It would have taken her weeks to triage me up to the same levels that I was able to do in a couple of days at the PHP.
We hired a wonderful babysitter. Kelly has been a god sent. She is working about 30 hours a week. Now that my stint in the hospital is coming to a close, I am going to have to find something else with which to structure my time - a part-time job, a class, who knows?!
I have lifted my self-imposed "do not allow kristen to be alone with the baby" rule. I feel so much safer for everyone else involved.
I am trying to limit my self-judgement and self prophesying catastrophic thinking.
I am hoping I learned enough over this last month and year to avoid every letting myself get that bad again.
Also drugs are not bad. I am currently still taking 4 different meds. So they are helping a lot.
I don't feel like I am the same hopelessly morose girl that checked in, but it seems like it was just a few days ago that I was hourly, if not minutely, trying to talk myself out of the Bell Jar.
Also middle March will mark a full year of the depression. It was really shitty from end of November until I went in to the hospital. I really didn't think I was going to make it. It sounds so dramatic, but suicide really seemed like the only option for many of those black days. I was in so much pain. Since then I have had probably 10 days of "good days" in the last month. 1o whole days of just passive suicidal ideations and not full on planning and sending out goodbye letters to friends. They keep telling me this is the road to recovery. Of course I will still have bad days (Friday to Monday were very ugly) but they will be less and less and permeated by good days.
The hospital was miraculous for being able to push my meds to a therapeutic level in a much shorter time than Dr. Liz ever felt comfortable to do with me alone. It would have taken her weeks to triage me up to the same levels that I was able to do in a couple of days at the PHP.
We hired a wonderful babysitter. Kelly has been a god sent. She is working about 30 hours a week. Now that my stint in the hospital is coming to a close, I am going to have to find something else with which to structure my time - a part-time job, a class, who knows?!
I have lifted my self-imposed "do not allow kristen to be alone with the baby" rule. I feel so much safer for everyone else involved.
I am trying to limit my self-judgement and self prophesying catastrophic thinking.
I am hoping I learned enough over this last month and year to avoid every letting myself get that bad again.
Also drugs are not bad. I am currently still taking 4 different meds. So they are helping a lot.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
tools
So in theory, I am in the hospital (PHP), to learn coping skills. To learn how to deal with emotional chaos and the like.
my mantra:
"I am doing the best I can right this second"
And I cannot underestimate the power of breathing.
However, right now I am locked in my bedroom while jon and his mom interview a potential nanny. I feel like someone took the car keys away. Actually it is more like, I gave the car keys away. So the best I can do at this second is run away, actually just hide in my room.
These are some things that I have to try to keep in my head:
-Eventually I am not going to be depressed.
-The fact that I feel like it was a huge mistake for me to have a baby is part of the depression.
-Eventually I may even begin to enjoy this.
-This is not my fault.
-Negative thoughts are only going to encourage more negativity. Instead of saying "I hate my self I am so fucking stupid I would be doing the world a favor if I just donated my body to science."
I should say
"I deserve to love myself, I am doing the very best that I can, I will get better."
If you have read this blog, you know I am not a positive paula. It is really hard to try to flip the script on thirty years of thinking. But that shit wasn't working for me so maybe this will...
my mantra:
"I am doing the best I can right this second"
And I cannot underestimate the power of breathing.
However, right now I am locked in my bedroom while jon and his mom interview a potential nanny. I feel like someone took the car keys away. Actually it is more like, I gave the car keys away. So the best I can do at this second is run away, actually just hide in my room.
These are some things that I have to try to keep in my head:
-Eventually I am not going to be depressed.
-The fact that I feel like it was a huge mistake for me to have a baby is part of the depression.
-Eventually I may even begin to enjoy this.
-This is not my fault.
-Negative thoughts are only going to encourage more negativity. Instead of saying "I hate my self I am so fucking stupid I would be doing the world a favor if I just donated my body to science."
I should say
"I deserve to love myself, I am doing the very best that I can, I will get better."
If you have read this blog, you know I am not a positive paula. It is really hard to try to flip the script on thirty years of thinking. But that shit wasn't working for me so maybe this will...
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Fun with Acupuncture
Some of you may remember my last bout with acupuncture and may have wondered why I would bother again. I have two friends that highly recommended it for depression.
Last Wednesday I called this new acupuncturist, who my babysitter referred me to, and my massage guy. Whoever called me back first, that would be my treat to me.
The acupuncturist called back first.
She had a cancellation, I made an appointment for the afternoon.
She was really nice and checked my pulses and looked at my tongue.
I laid down in the face donut and she stuck all these needles in. Right away I could tell this was different. The places she was putting in the needles were vibrating.
She put them in and left me to unblock my channels. Then she walked away.
After a while, I convinced myself that she had forgotten about me. Now I have no way to measure the amount of time I was there for. It was a while more than 1/2 an hour. I started off just saying hello and listening to my voice. And then I started calling louder and louder. I shall spare you the pathetic details. But it ended with her running - I was screaming and sobbing on the table. Immobilized by the pain of the needles (because of course I tried to get up). She finally pulled the needles out and I sat up and balled for 45 minutes. She made me tea. It was horrible. It was a traumatic experience to say the least.
She forgot a needle in my wrist and the only way I found it was after a few very uncomfortable minutes it was poking me deep in my chakra or whatever it was poking. I have a huge gnarly bruise on my wrist now.
Nothing like showing up at the mental hospital with a suspicious injury.
Last Wednesday I called this new acupuncturist, who my babysitter referred me to, and my massage guy. Whoever called me back first, that would be my treat to me.
The acupuncturist called back first.
She had a cancellation, I made an appointment for the afternoon.
She was really nice and checked my pulses and looked at my tongue.
I laid down in the face donut and she stuck all these needles in. Right away I could tell this was different. The places she was putting in the needles were vibrating.
She put them in and left me to unblock my channels. Then she walked away.
After a while, I convinced myself that she had forgotten about me. Now I have no way to measure the amount of time I was there for. It was a while more than 1/2 an hour. I started off just saying hello and listening to my voice. And then I started calling louder and louder. I shall spare you the pathetic details. But it ended with her running - I was screaming and sobbing on the table. Immobilized by the pain of the needles (because of course I tried to get up). She finally pulled the needles out and I sat up and balled for 45 minutes. She made me tea. It was horrible. It was a traumatic experience to say the least.
She forgot a needle in my wrist and the only way I found it was after a few very uncomfortable minutes it was poking me deep in my chakra or whatever it was poking. I have a huge gnarly bruise on my wrist now.
Nothing like showing up at the mental hospital with a suspicious injury.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
PHP
That stands for the Partial Hospitalization Program I started last week at our local hospital.
Yes, gentle reader, I am in a mental health facility.
Things are not getting better, they are getting worse. Despite my mental health drug regime I feel shitty and sad all the time. Dr. Liz was getting concerned that my breaks with reality were becoming too infrequent. This was the next step. The next step is inpatient.
I have come to the realization that this is not going away on its own. Also my impulse control is really almost non-existent. I have had to admit openly that my son is not safe around me and that I am not so safe around myself in my current state.
So now I go to "group" therapy with a bunch of other depressed people. Jon is taking advantage of the family leave act...
So my drugs were boosted in a major way and i agreed to go to this day program to get some perspective on my life and remove the stresses so that the medicine can work and we can all move on...
I really don't know what else to say. I am passed the point of being embarrassed.
Yes, gentle reader, I am in a mental health facility.
Things are not getting better, they are getting worse. Despite my mental health drug regime I feel shitty and sad all the time. Dr. Liz was getting concerned that my breaks with reality were becoming too infrequent. This was the next step. The next step is inpatient.
I have come to the realization that this is not going away on its own. Also my impulse control is really almost non-existent. I have had to admit openly that my son is not safe around me and that I am not so safe around myself in my current state.
So now I go to "group" therapy with a bunch of other depressed people. Jon is taking advantage of the family leave act...
So my drugs were boosted in a major way and i agreed to go to this day program to get some perspective on my life and remove the stresses so that the medicine can work and we can all move on...
I really don't know what else to say. I am passed the point of being embarrassed.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Camel Lights and I: A love Story
1994
Poser high-school senior stops secretly smoking in her car and goes to college. She smokes like it making money for her. I smoked often and a lot.
This abusive affair continues on and off through the next 6 years.
2001
I was living in Brooklyn at the time and working for Nautica Inc. I got a massive respiratory infection that threw me for a serious loop. I was on all kinds of gnarly antibiotics. I was spewing up a rainbow of phlegm samples. Cigarettes and I broke off abruptly and soundly.
Fast Forward to 2007
I am one of those people that was happy when they made it illegal to smoke in bars in NYC. I am the one coughing when the smoke gets in my face. I ask people to move in cafes if they try to smoke near my baby.
Jon calls me a fascist.
I bought a pack on Wednesday, they are almost gone.
I am supposed to report to Dr. Liz any uncharacteristic behavior. She is afraid the Zoloft is making me "manic-y", (honest Mariel!) and she wants to put me on a mood stabilizer.
I hate this road I am on. I find myself often wishing I had never gone here.
The weird thing is how delicious and enticing the cigarettes are. Occasionally, in the last years I have been drinking and tasted one just for old time. They did me wrong and made me gag. I am no longer gagging and I am craving one.
Yuck!
I know how stupid it is. Why am I doing this? I know they age you. WTF?!
Poser high-school senior stops secretly smoking in her car and goes to college. She smokes like it making money for her. I smoked often and a lot.
This abusive affair continues on and off through the next 6 years.
2001
I was living in Brooklyn at the time and working for Nautica Inc. I got a massive respiratory infection that threw me for a serious loop. I was on all kinds of gnarly antibiotics. I was spewing up a rainbow of phlegm samples. Cigarettes and I broke off abruptly and soundly.
Fast Forward to 2007
I am one of those people that was happy when they made it illegal to smoke in bars in NYC. I am the one coughing when the smoke gets in my face. I ask people to move in cafes if they try to smoke near my baby.
Jon calls me a fascist.
I bought a pack on Wednesday, they are almost gone.
I am supposed to report to Dr. Liz any uncharacteristic behavior. She is afraid the Zoloft is making me "manic-y", (honest Mariel!) and she wants to put me on a mood stabilizer.
I hate this road I am on. I find myself often wishing I had never gone here.
The weird thing is how delicious and enticing the cigarettes are. Occasionally, in the last years I have been drinking and tasted one just for old time. They did me wrong and made me gag. I am no longer gagging and I am craving one.
Yuck!
I know how stupid it is. Why am I doing this? I know they age you. WTF?!
Thursday, January 18, 2007
I Left my Sanity in San Francisco
The only adult interactions I have lately are with therapists. It is a very surreal mindset to go from instinctual toddler care to trying to probe your mind for incidents you've been trying to forget.
For some reason I went from seeing none to four in the span of two weeks. Shopping for a shrink is a serious time investment. But I 've settled on Dr. Liz. She is the most indulgent thing I have ever had.
It has been unbelievably cold here in the City by the Bay.
Good thing about Zoloft:
I am making eye contact again.
Sometimes I even initiate conversations, instead of my usual social charm of trying to pretend I am invisible.
The Concentration man, In the last year + I may have read 4 books, Maybe. But I am back as the reading machine I once was. Please allow me to ........0000000000 myself by listing the books I have read in the last two months:
The Time Travelers Wife.
The Historian.
The Life of Pi.
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the night-time.
The Kite Runner (part of the San Francisco reading club last month.)
Middlesex.
Marley and Me.
The Grass is Singing: by Doris Lessing.
Surfacing: by Margaret Atwood.
There is No You Without Me: by Melissa Fay Greene.
I didn't list the authors of the pop books. I thought this list would be more impressive, maybe I forgot some...
Anyone reading anything amazing that I may like?
I could do a book swap with you, fun mail!
anyone?
For some reason I went from seeing none to four in the span of two weeks. Shopping for a shrink is a serious time investment. But I 've settled on Dr. Liz. She is the most indulgent thing I have ever had.
It has been unbelievably cold here in the City by the Bay.
Good thing about Zoloft:
I am making eye contact again.
Sometimes I even initiate conversations, instead of my usual social charm of trying to pretend I am invisible.
The Concentration man, In the last year + I may have read 4 books, Maybe. But I am back as the reading machine I once was. Please allow me to ........0000000000 myself by listing the books I have read in the last two months:
The Time Travelers Wife.
The Historian.
The Life of Pi.
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the night-time.
The Kite Runner (part of the San Francisco reading club last month.)
Middlesex.
Marley and Me.
The Grass is Singing: by Doris Lessing.
Surfacing: by Margaret Atwood.
There is No You Without Me: by Melissa Fay Greene.
I didn't list the authors of the pop books. I thought this list would be more impressive, maybe I forgot some...
Anyone reading anything amazing that I may like?
I could do a book swap with you, fun mail!
anyone?
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Bring on the Sticks and Stones
I had a 90 minute intake session this morning (with a woman who may just save my life).
There were words used, words like:
Manic Depressive,
Bi-Polar Disorder,
Crisis Mode,
Psychosis,
Aggressive Medication Therapy,
Disease,
Sickness,
Chemical Imbalance.
Just a little indication on how the year has been thus far...
There were words used, words like:
Manic Depressive,
Bi-Polar Disorder,
Crisis Mode,
Psychosis,
Aggressive Medication Therapy,
Disease,
Sickness,
Chemical Imbalance.
Just a little indication on how the year has been thus far...
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Silver Lining?
At least while I am wearing a pad the size of a Subaru, since there is no tampon that can staunch the current without causing me horrible cramps, my jeans don't reek like the tiny pee that escapes every time I cough.
Have I mentions I am still recovering from the flu?
I cough, a lot.
Cumulatively, there is a lot of piss in my pants.
When do I know it is time to switch to pee pads? Perhaps I should grab some now, you know, just while I am coughing...
Have I mentions I am still recovering from the flu?
I cough, a lot.
Cumulatively, there is a lot of piss in my pants.
When do I know it is time to switch to pee pads? Perhaps I should grab some now, you know, just while I am coughing...
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