And you thought egg shells were fragile...

I am feeling a little fragile. I sent out a few feeler emails to friends in NYC. Most of whom I have been abominably shitty at keeping in contact.

this was one of the replies I rec'd:

We were sad but we felt resolved about your absence from our lives since we in many ways gave you our honest love and friendship. We felt good about our lives crossing on this earth. We remember you mostly having tons of fun together.You tried to continue the friendship from the distance and then you got very depressed and I understand that. I don't understand J's inability to honor a friendship. I know that you attempted to offer a light into this but you rightly felt that it was not your position to excuse him or to explain him....... once he wrote a long and heartfelt email to both of us. We responded extensively and encouraged him to continue even if it was sporadically but he never wrote one single line again and that was a long time ago. When you constantly extended invitations to come and visit you in San Fran we often wonder how could we accept since J practically had stop talking to us? We did not think that coming to visit you would be appropriate. So what do you do? You respect people's choices and move forward in the best of ways. All that said seeing you would be wonderful. We have tons of things to catch up on I bet. But the weekend is jammed packed. Two shows, one concert, one Birthday BBQ and one wedding. I am doing K's flowers for the reception. Perhaps we can all have lunch near by S's office one day? Let me know if you would like to do this and we can select a date.

I don't understand the source of these feelings this is giving me. I feel bad and stupid like I just got caught. I feel so unbelievably guilty. Guilty and ashamed.
I guess because this was my heart family. I LOVE the person that wrote this. It seems so weird so unwarranted. Why take it to this level of drama? Yes, I personally feel crushed.
Misdirected energy on my part, I guess. It is weird to be told a friendship is over that you were not aware could end. Let alone one that had ended a long time ago.
The last four or so sentences would have been plenty.

I guess I just feel stupid for being so very very wrong. My ego is mortally wounded from the slightest of consternation. I don't think I can reply to this, I don't know what I could say. It would be foolish either way.

My friendship was not enough, it sort of solidifies and old idea that I was just the person you endured when you wanted to hang out w/ my husband. It seems to bring to a zenith my feelings of inadequacy. I bet I don't have loads of things to catch up on, I had a kid, I am a stay at home mom, I don't count. I am the one putting all these labels on myself and I am owning them.

rundown

So my in-laws were in town over the long weekend.


Good, j and I went and saw Indiana Jones. We went to a fabulous, spendy dinner.


Not So Good, the woman just drives me nuts, she knows exactly how to push my buttons. She literally drives me to the bottle.



I was very poorly behaved.


MIL insisted on staying at the house while E napped, so j and I could run errands. He got out of bed 2x for her and "i didn't have the heart to put him back." So E got no nap that day. Funny bit it was just that morning she was remarking that 'maybe he was ready to give us his nap.'


ummm, let me see, no! He took a 3 hour nap the previous day. And he is a regular beast by 5:30pm if he doesn't nap.


I think she was testing/ defying me. Because shit, what do I know? I am just his mother. He was a beast, J told me, "just go then", So I fucking went. I stormed out of their hotel, jumped a bus home, powered down 3 Guinness and promptly felt ill.





Friday, my birthday, big fat 32. Now, I don't own a scale, and I haven't been to a gym or doctors office recently, so purely judging by the fact that none of my fucking clothes fit me, even my "superfatpants" that I bought right after I had E - my go-to roomy pants are too small, I am the fattest I have ever been. I am pretty sure I weigh more now than I did when I delivered E. People keep asking me if I am pregnant. (2 women in 2 days but I simply can't get into it)





So we are going to be in NYC for a week. Am I crazy or does anyone want to come down and see us in the city. Megan, Maria, Francesca, I am looking at you.





Saturday, 7:10am flight out of SF to NYC. Every time j book the tickets, this is what happens. Guess what time our flight back to SF is? yup 7:10am.

Live pest control

Internet-
I have a confession (s) to make.
1. I am the most impatient person in the world.
2. Rules do not apply to me. mostly because I know better.
3. I am cheap.*

These caveats of my personality rallied into a catastrophic whirlwind of bad decisions, no right-minded person would chose.

I have a little aphid problem in the garden. Nothing too major but starting to get destructive to my succulents.
I went to the plant store to buy myself a fern.
I have been spending time in Golden Gate Park - arguably the best places to bask in my love of ferns. While I was at the plant store. I inquires after and purchased some ladybugs - 1500 live ladybugs, in fact.
It doesn't take a genius to figure out where this is heading...

I let E hold the bag all the way home. Today is the hottest it has been here in forever. As soon as the ladybugs came out of the freezer, they started kicking, they looked hungry. The instructions are to "release them in the cool of the evening." I wondered what would happen if we released 'just a few' into the afternoon heat to get to work on those aphids.
As soon as I unstapled the mesh bag - the ladybugs stampeded. It was instant, they are not stupid, one of them sent out the run for freedom pheromone. Before long I, my hands were covered in ladybugs. As soon as I got the bag opened I realized I was in over my head and started trying to close it. They were everywhere. E was freaking out, on his tippy toes and shrieking about the scary ladybugs. Motu was alternately biting them and rolling in their eviscerated carcasses. I was trying to remain calm and failing. I hadn't thought anything through and I couldn't figure out what to do to contain the situation. So of course I yelled at E for asking me to open some crackers. Poor kid had to forage for food while I ran around with my fake calm voice trying to figure out how to contain the ladybugs. He realized lunch was not forth coming while I was in a ladybug panic.
I can hear them bashing up against my door outside. They really went to town on those aphids. Frisky buggers them were.

*1. I don't have a flying fuck of a clue what I am doing, so maybe I should slow down.
2. I couldn't wait till tomorrow night to release the ladybugs, our babysitter is coming tonight. We are going to see Ironman. (am I the only one who only hears Ozzy Osborne whenever I see it written down?)
3.I have about 300-500 ladybugs in my fridge right now, that's almost two bucks in there!

Time Check:
Approximately 1 hours later there are like eight of them out there. I shouldha followed the directions I guess...

Email translation:

What I rec'd:

Just checked my gmail and was VERY surprised!!!!! I haven't yet switched over from bellsouth to gmail so I don't check it all the time. Wow, he's getting so big. I can't wait until the 23rd. Do you think he'll stay with us for a night at the 4 seasons? That is, if you'll let him come ?? TTFN,Love, Gramma

What I read:
Why didn't you tell me you sent me photos of the my grandson? I hold you responsible that it has been over a week and I have not seen these photos. Also you sent it to the wrong email address, dummy.
Can we save E from your dump of a house and show him how life is with gramma and carl at the four seasons? Where the faucets flow with chocolate milk and instead of dust bunnies you find M&M's under the bed. That is if you will stop being a selfish hateful bitch for more than 2 seconds in a row??

my reply, what I want to write,
There will be no sleep overs. It would be way too confusing for him to try to sleep somewhere else for one night so you can play mommy and feed him nothing but chocolate. Since, as you know the only way he can love you is through bribery. Also we'll have to see where we are as far as potty training. but all of these are excuses to say no. If one weekend took 1 1/2 weeks to undo. Then one night
Also he is not a baby, where do you think he will sleep? He doesn't just stay put. I know your husband will not take kindly to being kept awake all night. Then where will you be?

my reply, what I will write:

(if you can't say anything nice...)








Also someone asked me if I was expecting the other day. I am a house. Not the good kind.

Snails

E is a nature boy. His urban wilderness is compromised largely of pigeons and snails. I am all for making the most of it. We collected snails and put them in spaghetti sauce jars, I poked air holes in the lid, we collected leaves for them to eat. Fast forward 5 hours later, he wanted to take them to his friend's house. I put the jar on top of the stroller, folded back the canopy and promptly forgot about it. We arrived, I picked up the stroller to get it up the stairs -whoops - the jar shatters on the sidewalk. I shoved E inside and grab a dustpan. It was a fucking snail holocaust. There were all decimated shells and chunks of glass jammed into their soft snail bodies. They were all like quivering and doing their tiny little death throws, shimmering with slime and glass. One raised a last quivering tail/ head, pathetically above the black matter of rotted leaves et all. Five snails, numerous leaves in different stages of rot and digestion, makes for a funky, rot, stink.Also - I couldn't decide which refuse container I should put them in. Compostable ? Well glass isn't compostable. Recycling? Seems like I shouldn't throw organic material in with the recycling.