This ship's going tits up.

Iris really is like the cutest thing. She has started to have facial expressions and realizing she has an effect on her enviromemt. It is a trip to watch.

We are moving to Oregon. It is a little cookoo crazytown. Jon basically accepted a job on 'trial' they loved him and made his offer permanent. So as of feb 12 jon is moving up there. Until we sell the house I think I am only going to have a husband on weekends. WTF? Until we all relocate to Eugene Oregon! Having the kids alone, is wicked hard. Baby wants to be held all the time. I was grilling holding the baby last night #parentfail
BIG CHANGES
I hired a lady to help me out a few times a week. I need it. My mil is paying for the nanny. It is nice.
Nights are rough. But o-boo-hoo.

Mama is going to be doing ok is OR. U of O is there and so I am going to take some classes. Get some chickens, make my own yogurt - Go native.
I have been listening to a ton of Rolling Stones lately. You can't always get what you want: but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. There is a saying in Alanon - sometimes you get what you want. Sometimes you get what you need. Sometimes you get what you get.
- I need to start meditating.

"i called her back twice, (the woman who does freelancing) more than that is humiliating." yeah and I have an appointment with WIC on Friday. FML

No joke, a dog just barked at me and scared the shit out of me and I cried. Like an asshole in the bike shop. COOL.

"Wow you are really popping out!!! You aren't that far along, are you?" From owner
/ boss at work today.
Oh really? Fuck you.

This morning I sneezed and had this gut wrenching pain across my abdomen. A few minutes later I went to the bathroom, I freaked thinking there was blood in my underpants. Imagine how pleased I was when I discovered I had only pooped my pants.

Eff you

Ambivalence occurs in intimate relationships when there is the coexistence of opposing emotions and desires towards the other that create an uncertainty about being in the relationship.

I got one for you...

What is worse than being pregnant, without health insurance?

No really, I am asking...

Trying to keep the sprouts if depression from rooting through self-care. Constant maintenance required. So angry, anger leads to resentment, which leads to shitty behavior (acting out). Childish bullshit.

Girl I get it. Ugh I wish I didn't but I do.
What can I say? You won't always feel like this? And even the prospect that this shitty painful feeling isn't permanent is what keeps me putting one foot in front of the other.
Fake it til you make it.
Concentrate on the things that give you pleasure and joy.

There is beauty here with the pain and maybe one cannot exist without the other. And whatever it is that makes us types so sensitive, well there has to be a reason. I am not sure what yet but the universe is smarter than that, I Have to believe.
Even though I have a sick tape in my head that basically undermines my very existance. I have to fight it. You have value. You are here for a reason. At least wait until your 30's.
God my 20s sucked. And even though on paper my 30s have also sucked some big balls, I feel more comfortable in my skin and feel like I am closer to peace.

While I have a hard time finding reason in my own existence, I have no question in
My mind that you are special and there is no other DA in the universe.

I don't know if that helps or just sounds like a pile of poo.

You gotta keep fighting. For your mom, for yourself, shit, for me,
Just because this is how it is right now does not mean this is what it is always going to be like. That is the only thing that gets me through the bad times. And keep talking about it. Get outside your head.
-Your partner in the good fight.

Every morning or when I get home or whatever, I wonder what is going to be his excuse for being an asshole this time? Allergies, sobriety, AA, work, boy, animals...the newest one, grumpy from quitting smoking since it was making me wretch.

Hypothetically, if you are to stumble upon your husbands blog from rehab. Do not read it! This cannot be emphsized enough.
If you did it may hypothetically make you throw up in the garden. May make you realize you didn't know your husband at all. May make you question your whole life with him.

You want to hear about how depressed Jon is? Yeah me neither.

Don't Ask
So I am watching some battle of the best of america's funniest home videos. Yeah don't ask, anyway coolio voted for the laughing 4 babies. I am laughing, like a lot. Kathy griffin and someone called peek-a-boo? Are judging?
Jon is out of rehab. He is living in a sober living environment. The roomate is gone. Thank the gods. Jon was fired from his job. Been quite a year.
Yee-ha.

It is so bizaro to look down and see a different body- small wrists, legs that don't rub together, lost 2 pants sizes and about 30lbs over the last 6-9 months.
I am hella skinny. Skinnier than I was before I had the kid. Back to my gym rat, dieting-like-mad, fighting weight. I look awesome. My friend calls it the devils trade off: look fantastic feel like shit. I'll take it. I feel like I took the sleeping cure. But I guess it was just a modifiesd depression diet. Also I don't want to give j the excuse to cat around. "He's got the good shit at home."
Whatever - let it go.

Hey cuz,
Jon isn't getting out of rehab until January. It sux, I know I should be happy he is in there and trying to turn his life around. But I am selfish and can't stand having to be a single parent.

We ended up going to my friends' brother's house for turkey day. E got to hang out with his best pal.
I can't believe Grammie didn't remember she had thanksgiving every year for like 25 years. My mom mentioned grammie has been extra forgetful lately.
Ended up spending e's birthday at rehab. That was fun, not! The inmates ate all the cupcakes!
Looks like we may go to tahoe for Xmas. Which in theory would be fun. I guess or better than sinking into a deep dark Yuletide depression ...
Nothing new to report. Jut the same general bullshit. Sorry it took me so long to respond. I am tired to the bone.
Kl

Husband company said they would pay him through November, just kidding! I believe I just made my last mortgage payment. Foreclosure here we come. I call my husband @ rehab and he is defensive... Then I cried cause my roomate was taking too long in the bathroom. FML.

Flooded

Why are the days after seeing jon so hard? E seems like an extra pill. I have no patience and am deeply offended by bad behavior. I was a bit of a bitch today...

Why can't I make my bed every day? I think b/c I honestly think, "perhaps...today... will be the day I get to go back to bed..." hi-larious

Then All of a Sudden, He Was Four.

I did not mean that as an ill to you, to fucking drunks (and drunk dads)

just got back from e's forth birthday at effin rehab. yeah, it was as sweet as it sounds, the inmates ate all the cupcakes...ugh.

Jon has been working out and doing yard work in the sun. He has a six pack!! he hasn't had one of those in like a decade...He looks fucking amazing! His skin looks glowing good, his hair is glossy. Ok, enough, I am salivating.

While Jon has been inside, I have lost some weight, got a fly hairs cut and sort of rehabilitated my eating habits.

My house is a mess, I can't get on top of anything (literally or figuratively.) Trying to keep doing the best I can. The day after T-day was a literal black Friday. I was a train wreck and I was so surprised!! I fear the holidays. All of them...
well thanksgiving and e's birthday are done. xmas, new years, and our anniversary to go...

sorry this just became a blog post.

Scary Tarot Reading (or does this apply perfectly to you too)

Your question: jon

moon (reversed) in the
Up and Coming position

stung or mislead by shattered reflection of one-of-your-kind, repulsed by weakness and shiny-happy-people, you abandon the vigil or cross the line but maintain the illusion of choice. Any wonder you turn growling resentment inside-outward or deny wellsprings of spontaneous feelings that simmer beneath the surface to go the twin extremes a half life Jekyll and Hyde like, until one doesn't even recognize the other in the mirror image. but it;s an unconvincing safe-haven to avoid becoming something you fear.


strength (upright)
Guidance position

It's OK to be afraid, but steady your nerves and do it anyway -and no regrets, because when such an intimate crisis exposes your own human frailty or the pose reaches its most difficult state of endurance is when the potential for personal triumph is greatest.