Tender Hearted

Today was the meeting with my first internet friend. We had been emailing for a week or two, and had arranged a time for us to both get together and grab a cup of coffee. I set my alarm so I wouldn't miss the noon deadline.
I waited in the park for an hour or so. Today was a chilly, drizzly San Francisco day. Motu started to shiver after a while. So we went to Bean There and grabbed a cappuccino. I even asked the guy what the difference between a latte and a cappuccino. Answer: one has more milk!

Then I came home and as I was taking off my jacket and looking at my new shirt I put on and the stupid earrings I had put in to make myself look like less of a slob, I just started crying. Could it be possible that I was this disappointed by not meeting a stranger? Did someone I never met reject me? Is it possible that this person could tell how pathetic and desperate I was from my CL post? Even now when I think about how upset this made me I feel like more of a loser for being upset.

Ugh, emotional roller coaster that is my world.

I think I am crippled by my freedom. Sartre was right. We think we want freedom. But oh horrible free will. I am educated and smart. What is wrong with me? What am I waiting for? Why can't I make a decision and just do it?
What if I am never able to re-insert myself into the workforce? I feel like I am an outsider to society. People are defined by what they do, not who they are, or how they spend their leisure time. I am undefined.

School seems like my only option and not an option at all. I don't think I want to go back and try to reinvest myself in something that I see less and less of a point pursuing.
So what? Go and get a job in a bank for a few months?

Anybody? Help?

Currently listening to:
Sly and the Family Stone, There's a Riot Goin' On.

Currently reading:
Maya Angelou, I know why the Caged Bird Sings
Margaret Mead, Coming of Age in Samoa.