I need to straighten some thing out on my own.
These are the realities I am working with:
I feel better, now. I have been feeling pretty good for a while now.
I know the longer I stay on the pills the better the "good pathways" are established chemically, in my brain, with pills.
But-
Who cares? I get off pills, have #2 baby. I still have a 50/50 chance of getting the depression again.
Makes me thing this is more than chemical, like it was some kind of choice. I am still daily struggling between "I can't" and "I have to." Where is the disconnect? Herein lies my conundrum.
This isn't about $. My MIL is still paying. You can send your last bill right to her.
Sorry to be such a flake. You are in the business of crazy though, so you must be used to it.
I feel like it has been too long since I called you and I missed all those appointments. You have literally saved my life. But, I don't want to come back, now.
I could be so lucky that this is the last you hear from me.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Thursday
It has been a weird Thursday already. I had a play date with a friend, J. Her son H, is 4 days older than ours. She told me today she was preggo. Due Dec 5, an oops baby. I am am having such weird conflicting feelings.
Jealousy- which I found surprising.
Pity- being pregnant is not fun, and she is never going to sleep again.
Joy- a friend of mine is having a baby and I will get to hold it!
I am going to see Barry Bonds today - Giants vs Braves. Think he'll hit 2 homers?
I am going to try to eat 2 hot dogs.
Jealousy- which I found surprising.
Pity- being pregnant is not fun, and she is never going to sleep again.
Joy- a friend of mine is having a baby and I will get to hold it!
I am going to see Barry Bonds today - Giants vs Braves. Think he'll hit 2 homers?
I am going to try to eat 2 hot dogs.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Things that are super sweet about our new place.
1. Dishwasher
2. Washer / Dryer on the premises. We still don't have our own but we share one with 4 other units and no quarters, so a big improvement for us.
3. Plenty of space. I am currently in the office/ guest room. jon is cooking, e is watching shrek. All as it should be.
4. Garbage Disposal
5. We have a little shared courtyard. I am the current gardener. I love watering the plants, I planted some lavender and some mint.
6. Huge generous closets.
7. Real Kitchen.
8. Significantly quieter than our old place. Since that was actually on Haight St.
9. For I am pretty sure the first time in our relationship, we can each get into our own side of the bed, we each have our own night stand (alarm clock, places for our eye masks, chap stick, personals), Bliss.
Things that are not so sweet:
1. Huge fucking mortgage. I guarantee mine is bigger than yours!
2. I think out neighbors are haters.
3. See #2 and I just feel a little like, ugh, I don't want them to catch me smoking. or I don't want the animals to be too loud. I don't feel welcome.
4. You can't tell people you bought a place in SF. Everyone accuses you of being rich. So...not the case. aka haters
What's not to love?
I am doing really very well. Have been feeling fantastic and been taking care of mine. I just read the most fantastic book Random Family, totally addicting.
I have also been wasting time on myspace. Cause I am cool like that, super late to jump on the bandwagon! I have been chatting with my high school sweetheart.
2. Washer / Dryer on the premises. We still don't have our own but we share one with 4 other units and no quarters, so a big improvement for us.
3. Plenty of space. I am currently in the office/ guest room. jon is cooking, e is watching shrek. All as it should be.
4. Garbage Disposal
5. We have a little shared courtyard. I am the current gardener. I love watering the plants, I planted some lavender and some mint.
6. Huge generous closets.
7. Real Kitchen.
8. Significantly quieter than our old place. Since that was actually on Haight St.
9. For I am pretty sure the first time in our relationship, we can each get into our own side of the bed, we each have our own night stand (alarm clock, places for our eye masks, chap stick, personals), Bliss.
Things that are not so sweet:
1. Huge fucking mortgage. I guarantee mine is bigger than yours!
2. I think out neighbors are haters.
3. See #2 and I just feel a little like, ugh, I don't want them to catch me smoking. or I don't want the animals to be too loud. I don't feel welcome.
4. You can't tell people you bought a place in SF. Everyone accuses you of being rich. So...not the case. aka haters
What's not to love?
I am doing really very well. Have been feeling fantastic and been taking care of mine. I just read the most fantastic book Random Family, totally addicting.
I have also been wasting time on myspace. Cause I am cool like that, super late to jump on the bandwagon! I have been chatting with my high school sweetheart.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
unfreaking believable (in the best way) or I have a dishwasher!!
So yeah,
We took the dive. the huge major dive into home ownership, in SF. We are nuts, I know, please don't tell me.
We have like, a nice house, with a dishwasher. It is in a co-op which are wildly popular in SF.
The move was a nightmare and jon and I were at each others throats. But that is how you are supposed to be when you buy a place and move. hella stressful.
This move is so fantastic for the baby. And the animals. It is great. We are all happy. Way over our heads in debt in such a way that I have to laugh.
We have no internet or phone. But I have my cell for those of you in the know.
We took the dive. the huge major dive into home ownership, in SF. We are nuts, I know, please don't tell me.
We have like, a nice house, with a dishwasher. It is in a co-op which are wildly popular in SF.
The move was a nightmare and jon and I were at each others throats. But that is how you are supposed to be when you buy a place and move. hella stressful.
This move is so fantastic for the baby. And the animals. It is great. We are all happy. Way over our heads in debt in such a way that I have to laugh.
We have no internet or phone. But I have my cell for those of you in the know.
Friday, June 08, 2007
love life
As the housing crisis heightens in our household, I am doing not so well. The stress is literally killing me. I can't eat or sleep, and I have been pooping mud for days.
I went to see Dr Liz on Weds. I went in, smiling through clenched teeth. By the end, I was sobbing and angry.
I went to see Dr Liz on Weds. I went in, smiling through clenched teeth. By the end, I was sobbing and angry.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Why People Don't Like Me
Bold the ones you’ve read
Leave blank the ones that you aren’t interested in.
1. The DaVinci Code (Dan Brown)
2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery)
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)
16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling)
17. Fall on Your Knees (Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. The Stand (Stephen King)
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Rowling)
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte
21. The Hobbit (Tolkien)
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
34. 1984 (Orwell)
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
37. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)- maybe
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)
45. The Bible I have read parts but definitely not all of it
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
50. She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
53. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card)
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy)
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice) I never finished this one
65. Fifth Business (Robertson Davis)
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. Les Miserables (Hugo)
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding)
72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
76. The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
78. The World According to Garp (John Irving)
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
80. Charlotte's Web (E.B. White)
81. Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)
83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
85. Emma (Jane Austen)
86. Watership Down(Richard Adams)
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
89. Blindness (Jose Saramago)
90. Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
91. In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)
92. Lord of the Flies (Golding)
93. The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton)
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100. Ulysses (James Joyce)
I am a loser - I don't really even know where this list came from. But I done read a lot!
Leave blank the ones that you aren’t interested in.
1. The DaVinci Code (Dan Brown)
2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery)
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)
16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling)
17. Fall on Your Knees (Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. The Stand (Stephen King)
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Rowling)
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte
21. The Hobbit (Tolkien)
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
34. 1984 (Orwell)
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
37. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)- maybe
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)
45. The Bible I have read parts but definitely not all of it
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
50. She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
53. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card)
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy)
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice) I never finished this one
65. Fifth Business (Robertson Davis)
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. Les Miserables (Hugo)
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding)
72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
76. The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
78. The World According to Garp (John Irving)
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
80. Charlotte's Web (E.B. White)
81. Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)
83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
85. Emma (Jane Austen)
86. Watership Down(Richard Adams)
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
89. Blindness (Jose Saramago)
90. Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
91. In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)
92. Lord of the Flies (Golding)
93. The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton)
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100. Ulysses (James Joyce)
I am a loser - I don't really even know where this list came from. But I done read a lot!
Friday, May 25, 2007
'tevs
originally I was hoping that the next time I blogged i would have photos of our new house. But I should have known to dump that optimism into the trash.
no house, still doing very well (mood wise)
I can see how some people have warned me about this 18 mo phase. He is so fucking fun! we are having a blast and laughing all the time. I am starting to feel the fever. Thankfully there are several new babies in the area and so I have been able to hold them and that quiets the beast for a while. Especially if they barf on me!
Sorry for the lame post. I have a couple of decent stories stored up that I want to post, we shall see.
peace out y'all.
no house, still doing very well (mood wise)
I can see how some people have warned me about this 18 mo phase. He is so fucking fun! we are having a blast and laughing all the time. I am starting to feel the fever. Thankfully there are several new babies in the area and so I have been able to hold them and that quiets the beast for a while. Especially if they barf on me!
Sorry for the lame post. I have a couple of decent stories stored up that I want to post, we shall see.
peace out y'all.
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