keep 'em coming

So it has been a particularly shitty couple of weeks. Even more so than usual. And I can be all cavalier about it now, but on Tuesday I was sobbing into the phone to my old old shrink. This would be the same shrink who a) saved my life, b) who I have not spoken to since I blew off several appointments in SEPTEMBER 2007. It was/is desperate times. Jon was talking about having me committed either with my permission or not. I guess I am in a bad place. I do not want to be anywhere.
Before I knew I was suicidal and if I didn't "protect" myself I wasn't going to survive. Now I am more passive. I don't have a plan. I don't have the anxiety that makes me want to off myself. I just want to be gone. I don't want to be at work. I don't want to be with Jon, like at all. I have started calling him POTP*. Like, "POTP can you bring me some toilet paper?"
So last night I sat in my shrinks office with jon and was told I was broken. Told that I had a disease that I can't manage on my own. The reality is that I need to take antidepressants to tolerate life. The reality I am not going to be able to have any more children. I cannot handle what I have. I refuse to get pregnant while on SSRI's and this has nothing to do with the effects on the fetus (well something to do but that is not the main reason) How could I introduce another child to this life? To an unstable mother.
Example: I was checking the dog for fleas (i saw something suspicious) the dog got pissy, growled and snapped at me, trying to bite me. I LOST IT. I screeched at the dog and hit him, he got so scared he pissed. There was no warning, no building just one second concerned dog owner, the next second insane banshee woman full of regrets. Of course when I saw I scared the dog so much he peed. I cried and cried and E was looking at my hands looking for the blood saying, "it's ok mommy, it's ok."
I know it is not ok. If anyone ever told me they hit their dog and made it pee I would HATE that person. I would think what a terrible small horrible person. That person should be punished, their animals removed from the house. Perhaps I would push for incaceration to such a fucked up person. I would certainly not leave my CHILD with this awful person, they can't be trusted with a dog. I wouldn't want that nut job raising a child for sure...
But - it is me. Obviously, I have no choice. I am a danger to myself and my family. I have given up and thrown in the towel, again.
I cannot handle the truth, so I'll settle for shades of grey.



*POTP - Part of the Problem