This outfit no longer fits him.

2 months

Somehow the boy is 9 weeks old today.
He was two months old on Sunday.

We went to the dr yesterday and he got 4 shots. I cried. The nurse rolled her eyes. She clearly has become jaded or doesn't have children of her own. Then I tried to nurse him to comfort him and shot milk - fountain like all over his face. Not so comforting.

He weighs 12 lbs 3 oz and is 1/4" shy of 2 feet long.

He smiles for real, on purpose now. If you open your mouth while you look at him he will mirror you. He coos a lot. At his mobile, and his little friends at the dressing table.

We took him out of our bed this weekend and put him in his little co-sleeper (right next to the bed). It was a seamless adjustment and I felt a little sad.

Poop patrol

So today I actually saw poop shooting out of little man's butt. It was fully contained in the diaper but, man, that shit shot!

Then he actually pooped on me. I am wondering if maybe baby poop doesn't have all the bad e coli stuff that grown up poop has. But not quite urious enough to look it up.

I guess he doesn't like it when I eat gigantic platefuls of linguini and pesto.

Yesterday little man and I and our best SF mommy friend went out to Marin. We saw horses and hawks and salamander and partidges, It was so beautiful, yet another reason to love this area.

Could it be?

The reason I am holding onto everything is for baby #2?

I can't believe I am even considering it now. But I don't know. Thinking that I will never do any of this again seems not right. I can barely handle my one child how on earth would I manage 2. This would also mean that I would never have a life again right? I mean no more career girl for me.

My dad told me it was a much bigger adjustment going from none to one than from one to two or two to three. That is very encouraging. I mean this is years off and I am not sure why I am even writing about it.

The boy is 8 weeks old today, but won't be two months old, well there is no feb 29, so I guess on March 1 st he will be 2 months? Is that right?

Oh my god sleep deprivation makes you stupid as shit.

Has anyone ever made blackout curtains? Then maybe I can trick the bay into sleeping more during the daylight hours.
Or I could just bite it and start going to bed a 9 pm. He is calling the shots I don't know why I pretend.

Random Rambling

I feel a little heart broken every time I put a new outfit in the "too small bag."

It is really insane that all those parenting cliches are true.

He has little pudgy hands and legs like a real baby. Also he has smelly little man pickle feet. Can you imagine anything cuter?

It is confirmed than my parents are going to come out for the first 5 days that jon is in Asia. Then maybe my MIL will come out or I will rough it for 5 days on my own.

Typing just cause I can

So I don't really have anything to say but the baby is sleeping and I figure I should take advantage while I can.

You know while I sit there BFing the baby, I write these wonderful witty, insightful blog entries. Of course I can't move or the baby pops off my nipple, and latching on still hurts, (perhaps hurts is an exaggeration).
I write thoughtful notes to my friends and family. It is a lovely thing and then everything disappears into my baby brain. *poof*

You know everyone is like "cherish these moments" "they are only this little once" "times goes by so fast" and then I feel guilty because maybe I am not 'in the moment' enough. I am not cherishing these precious memories goddamnmit! Perhaps you can only cherish things when they are not happening anymore. You don't know what you got till its gone type thing. Don't get me wrong, I spend the majority of my day looking and smelling and kissing my lovely baby. But then I get those nagging thoughts in my head FOREVER FOREVER. THIS IS YOUR LIFE, FOREVER!
then I feel consumed with guilt for getting frustrated, he can't help it. He is a little baby.

I am super psyched that American Idol starts tonight.

The Golden Globes were boring. Probably because I have not seen any of the movies except Capote. I am glad PSH won for that, he deserved it. I can't believe all of the movies were from the last 7 weeks. (yes E is 7 weeks today, thanks for noticing.)

just my inane thoughts for the day, it is 3:30pm and I still have not left the apartment.

Just to clarify

You know how you all have that friend that you only hear from when they want to bitch? That is me. I only write when I am freaking out.
honestly this whole baby thing is unbelievable 90% of the time. You hear from me that 10% of the ugly, meltdown part.

jon brought me a shit load of bagels back from NYC, see - silver lining.

Like Most things you dread

These last few days really haven't been that bad. I mean there hasn't been a lot of me time, you know to sit on the can and read Harper's or anything.
Hopefully the weight is coming off too since I can never eat and all I do is feed baby,.
But jon will be back in like less than 3 hours hopefully. Certainly I am not winning any parenting awards for the last few days but (as I discussed w/ maria on the phone) we are all still alive and at the end of the day that is what matters.
Also can we all just come out of the closet about how much we all love Project Runway? It really irks me that the east coast gets to find out who gets cut three hours before me. But I love that bravo has like 2 popular shows and so almost anytime that you put it on you can catch a PR.

#1 bad motha

Well Fucking blogger isn't working...

So I just got a call from Jon. They want him to leave for NYC tomorrow and come home Friday. I totally freaked out. I don't think I can manage the baby alone for 2 nights. Am I the lamest mother in the world?

We all know jon travels a lot, that is part of his job. He is leaving for a long trip that was supposed to be at the end of this month. Thankfully it has been pushed back to the middle of February.

I mean so far I have really only lost it twice. Once on Friday and then this morning. I just feel so goddamn tired. There is a bottle in the fridge and jon said he would feed the baby once last night. But then he doesn't get up the baby just cries and cries and so by then my milk is leaking and I may as well get up. Then this morning I had just gotten back into bed from the morning feeding and his alarm goes off. He snoozed it THREE FUCKING TIMES. I was ready to punch him in the face. He doesn't get up with the baby and then he won't let me get back to sleep. From then the baby was up every like 25 minutes, I just wanted to sleep so bad. The baby is crying I am crying, I told my 6 week old to shut up through my clenched teeth as I tried to push his pacifier into his crying mouth, oh my god I am awful.

He calls me and reads me the email they sent him from work. It was very understanding - we know you have a new baby, but if you could make it to NY it would be really good - So this is licence for Jon to freak out and read way into the email. So now jon is like, if I start backing out of trips, and I am not doing my job, they are going to fire me. Oh my god they are not going to fire you. They really like jon, if anything was funky, I am sure they would pull him aside and talk to him before they canned his ass. man he is driving me crazy.
Then he says well you know I am traveling in Feb. No, I fucking forgot. It is hanging over me like a wrecking ball. But this is the level of desperation people. I was thinking about FLYING TO GA to stay with my MIL while he was in Asia. Now there is a glimmer of hope that my mother may be able to fly out here. And that would be fucking delicious people. She is going to get back to me ASAP. I hope she can come. Otherwise I may really go to GA.

I feel like as asshole that I am scared to be left for 3 days along with my baby. But that is the way I feel,
I mean I have friends that I could call and ask to come over. And plenty of people have offered their help. I just have this phobia about asking for help. They could say no, you can't really rely on anyone but yourself and all that self serving shit. Ugh, Can you hear the desperation in my typing?

update:
As of 1:30 PST jon is leaving for NYC tomorrow. Let the freak out commence!

No Sleepy Time

So baby only slept in 1 1/2 hour to 2 hour chunks. Sheeeeeet.
He is napping now.
Tomorrow he will be 6 weeks old.
I guess he could be going through a growth spurt, my nipples are sore.

He discovered on Friday that if I hold him under his pits, he can stand. So we get all exited and shout STANDING BABY. He likes it.
He is starting to smile on purpose.

He seems to only want to sleep with the tv on, he is my kid.

Also his nostrils are really firm. I guess so he doesn't suffocate on my massive tits.

wow exiting stuff.

Jon and I went out for sushi for our third wedding anniversary. We didn't exchange gifts for xmas or for our anniversary. It was actually quite a relief. Otherwise, jon brings the drama over the gifts. Not what I need.

Can you tell I am sleep deprived?

oh

And that shit I was bragging about sleeping 6 hours in a row. Yeah - that was a one time deal.
Baby doesn't like to sleep unless he is being held. Binkies were cool at first and then the novelty wore off.

Also *new low in humiliation*. Jon had to help me pump my breasts the other day because I had my hands full of baby. Being pumped, for milk, by another human, unthinkable.

You Done Spoiled Him Already

It is really nice when even the toothless, 60 year-old lady at Walgreens thinks you are a bad parent.
That is what she said to us while she was checking us out.

My poor little guy has excema or some rash, the beginnings of cradle cap, and is usually covered in spit-up. But I look at this moist, sour smelling,red, pustule covered, scaly baby and I know I have never seen anything more beautiful in my life.