You know it is a good weekend when you end it with a 911 call

All day Friday, the baby barfed and shat his way through all of our laundry. Come Saturday, still barfing and loose stooling everywhere. By Sunday, Jon was barfing, and I came down with it Monday.

Sunday night our Carbon Monoxide detector went off and it said to dial 911. I always obey my household appliances when they tell me to do things.
I called 911 and the baby got to see all the fire trucks of san francisco tear down our street. It was cool.

Until they made fun of me because I kept calling it the CO2 alarm. They told us to change the batteries and then I heard them grumbling.

The fireman that came to our call were HOT!
Even jon was a little afluttered by them, he was like "was it me of did that first guy look like Jake Gyllenhaal?"

Isn't it Ironic

So as the poster child for manic depression. I went on a fierce spending spree of money we don't have and bought these super fly jeans. I have a problem with denim. I literally spent more on these pants than my monthly car payments. (last time I owned a car was a long time ago, but granted...)
But you know what? I can fit into normal, snazzy jeans for the first time in two years so fuck it. They are Paige Premium Denim.
So yeah - I am wearing PPD jeans. It says it right on my pants!
jon and I laughed so hard about it when he pointed it out that I think we both started to cry, like for real... and then it turned into yet another serious discussion about 'what is to be done.'

So sorry family and friends no xmas gifts for you. I have PPD jeans!

Don't Call it a Comeback

So I have been on the anti-depressants for about 2 months.
And for a while they really seemed to be helping, like a lot. I thought the "bad time" was behind us. Then over the last two weeks I have "relapsed," I don't even know what the fuck to call it.
But I feel crazier than before.
So strange. I was feeling GGGGGRREEEAAAAATTTT! Making plans, showering, having dinner ready on the table. Actually able to accomplish things and not just dwell under a shitload of doubt, sadness, and fear.
Now I am at a deeper pit than I was. I am scared.
I want this to stop.
I cannot even begin to tell you how much shit our fucking insurance has put us through.

I am taking my meds, WTF?

I have an emergency visit with my shrink today. Since he is going on Holiday. And jon stayed home from work on Tuesday and now he feels stressed about his job.

So we are out here, crazy, alone and no job security. At least the weather is nice...

The Kims

There is nothing I can add to this tragedy. It has been written about beautifully all over the internet.

Their shop, Doe, is a few doors down from us. As a fellow Hapa family, we watched their family grow with interest. Our paths crossed on a very regular basis, but I didn't know them.

We were in the same restaurant as them when Penelope pooped in the toilet and announced it. James beamed and congratulated her. He was so sweet with his girls.

While waiting for him to be found, I couldn't look at the photos, it is too easy to replace my own skinny asian guy's face with his.
I cannot imagine those last hours, what could they have said to each other?

I know that in the same situation, we would do anything to save our kids. In this modern age when could we think that we would have to?

Kati you are in my heart...
Sabine and Penelope, your father was a great man.

No Longer a couple

A breastfeeding couple that is. We are done.
I had this little man attached to my tits for 11 months and 1 week. Then I gave him cows' milk and it was OVER>>>

Man, are my boobs tired.

thank you ladies...

I invented a new cocktail

The PPD-
champagne
pedialyte (grape)
zoloft

well, thanks any way...

You know what sucks?
when you are the first to have a baby among your friends, and your friends are all like "oh any time I can help, anything at all just give me a call and I will be right over."
So then you call your friend to see if they can come over - for an hour and a half while the baby is sleeping - so that you and your husband can go out for sushi and maybe try to salvage a little bit of their marriage>>>

oh sorry I have to do my laundry...

You know who you are

Thanks so much for stealing my baby stroller. I mean it was cool the first time I realized people (you) are total scum-bag, nut suckers and would in fact steal from a baby, repeatedly. And so when on July 4th I went to put the baby in his stroller and it wasn't there I almost shit myself for joy. Knowing that now apparently I am marked. Someone (you) is purposely climbing over our gate and stealing our strollers like it is some thing to do.
It isn't so much that I was sentimentally attached to the stroller, I was. It was more that The fuckers (you) in this fucking city are so terrible and awful that they would steal the stroller that my parents bought for their grandson.
You know what? It is too heavy to carry a stroller up three flight of stairs then there is no where to put it once it is up there. So I bought the shittiest most ghetto of strollers off of craig'slist. I was over charged and frankly feel ashamed about the whole experience but I can get my baby around the city. It is locked up with a chain and a padlock, so fuck you!
However, there are some cat piss covered blankets on the stairwell you are welcome too, and a few empty water containers up here if you are not done making me hate this city and all its shitty inhabitants.
thanks
stolenstrollerbabysmama

To Whom It May Concern

An Open letter to the douche bag who stole my baby's stroller-

Why would you steal a stroler from a baby? How cold hearted are you that it is "ok" to steal a baby stroller? I mean I know we all have needs. But I need that to get my baby around the city.
Perhaps I can put some bottles and diapers down here for you to steal too...




In my heart I hope that it is going to a baby that needs it more than ours. In reality, I know that if it is lucky it is carrying around bottles and cans reeking of rancid beer. If it is not lucky, then it has been used as a urinal. Either way I am very sad. Having something stolen leaves you with such a peculiar feeling. Being angry and not having anywhere to direct your anger. But this was the stroller that we first pushed the baby around in and well I guess I am being sentimental.

Perhaps we are nieve. I mean this is the second time we have had something stolen from under the stairs, Behind a gate!

So Maybe I am done

I have just been so bored with myself lately.
When I started this blog it was meant to be a way to keep up with old pals without having to keep writing the same emails over and over again. Then it became this whole other world where strangers knew me intimately and I knew them, to a selective degree.

all I do now is bitch. I am not funny or an inspired writer.
When I am not silent I am complaining.

I thought I would be able to recap the hilarity that is motherhood. har har har.
In fact, it seems to be a trail of tears, vomit and disappointment.

So I don't know. Maybe I can just be or not.
or I'll post tomorrow...

Well, it is my blog

SO I took down a really dark post - wasn't the first time and it won't be the last. You know what? It was a downer. I don't particularly want to remember that, and really this blog is for remembering.

jon got back from China on Saturday, we got home sunday. We all took a ride on a boat with jon's company last night, a bay cruise.
And today he went to Seattle.
He told me his flight would land at 5:15. I have been counting down the hours all day. I am sick of holding the baby. I am sick of listening to him whine. He is at that stage. "I am not crawling or getting my shit done so I am just going to kvetch all fucking day." It is now almost 6 and jon isn't picking up his phone. So I guess he is still on the plane.
Nothing pleases the baby. I am so tired of him. I just want to run away.

I certainly don't feel like this. I wonder if I ever will.

hrmph

Upon confessing to my MIL that I was suffering something partially terrible she went to Borders and bought me this.
alrighty then, I guess it is real if brookie says so.

Cooked

Stick a fork in me I'm done.

I have been alone with the baby for 5 freakin days. Wow. I do not know how single mothers do it. You really can't do this all alone.
The baby has been good. But you know that is a lot of face time.

There were several melt-downs. I wrote an awful sadistic, scathing, email to jon. Because I am mature - I can even throw down with a nice electronic hissy fit.
I am getting on a four hour flight tomorrow to Atlanta. To my MIL's - YIKES!

The baby has not been so good at night. I went to rub some homeopathic crap on his gums and I felt another tooth. Poor kid has 2 teeth in as many weeks. Are they supposed to come in this fast? Right on top of the other? My poor little button.

My friend Kelly came over today to sit with the baby while I ran back and forth across the street to the Laundromat. I would give up meat for a washing machine (that is sayin something). The baby doesn't like kelly for some reason and did this adorable scared crying and clung to my neck. It was so cute. I don't know why he was so afraid, but I laughed and laughed.

Baby and mama have been having multiple experiences tooling around San Francisco in our new city share car. I am into it.
Today we went to CitiKids. Bad idea. But I needed the sit and stroll.

God I feel so fucking burnt out. Just dumb and wasted.

I shall be spending the next week biting my tongue in Atlanta. God I am a glutton for punishment. I hope to post from there.

Thus Far

The only new thing about being 30 is that I have started to part my hair on the other side - A tiny step towards life altering.
I am trying to hide the greys that are sprouting in a timely manner.

I bought myself my own damn birthday present. While I know it seems very domestic, but I should have a decent vacuum. I really wanted it and now I have it. The baby is going to be crawling around on these floors, at least in theory. They need to be f'n clean! It is like the low class BMW or Lexus of vacuums. It was also a #1 pick from Consumer Reports.

I have been making food for the baby. So far he has consumed yams, refined rice, avocado, banana, and brown rice. The brown rice made him retch. We went back to the refined rice. This book is my baby food bible, thanks so much for sending it to me Francesca! Mia and I refer to it as The Book of Ruth.

I am sorry. Jon isn't here and I have to tell this shit to someone.

Backtrack

Sunday May 29th. Baby turns 6 months old.
So we signed up for City CarShare I unilaterally decided that we were going to go explore the countryside, as it were. Jon has seen none of the beauty and glory that is Northern California. I decided that was going to end, I took a car out for 6 hours.
I decided we would go to Point Reyes National Seashore. Worst Family Day Trip Ever!
I didn't know what to expect, I thought we'd drive up there and hike a bit and drive home. I know there were some beaches and it was supposed to be spectacular. I was informed that McClures Beach is really pretty and I sort of set my destination there. It took forever to get there. And once we got there, we didn't really know where there was. It took 2 hours to get to the beach. We hiked a little to this tiny beach. It was really pretty. We look like we had fun. Jon wanted to know where we were going and I just plodded on very much like my father.
We could only stay at the beach a little while and of course we overstayed. We couldn't get a signal on our cell phone to call cityshare to tell them we are going to be hella late, DRAMA!
The baby poops on the way home, DRAMA!
Jon got carsick from turning around to tend to the baby while I drove on super windy roads that were literally feet away from certain death. DRAMA!
The menfolk were certainly unhappy. The baby cried for the last hour or so. Jon was super fucking crabby. I was kinda like, fuck'em. It's my birthday I am going to enjoy it.

Dirty 30

It's true.
I am.

jon left for China, his plane has probably taken off by now.
he didn't get me anything :(

baby had his 6 month wellness check up this a.m.

I am 30 and have a 18.5lbs 6 month old.
who'dathunkit?

NYC

New York was fun - sort of.
It was wonderful to see the great people that we got to see.

My in-laws, you know, I am still too drained to go into it.
Let's just say they were less than competent babysitter.

The baby has been a beast, he is all jacked up from the time differences and the traveling.

I am turning 30 in 5 days. This coming Sunday, my deal friend, Kelly offered to throw me a b-day bbq. I accepted, (and have invited people) but now I am renegging. I don't want to have a party. I want to get drunk and/or disappear - Or just make a run for it.

I feel so fucking sad.

jon won't take my birthday off, WTF?
jon is leaving the day after my birthday for a long trip (2 weeks) I am going to be alone from Wed to Mon, then I guess I am flying to Atlanta to be dominated by my MIL. So I will be there from Monday to Sunday. I can't leave on Saturday because she wants to bring the baby to church!!!

What will I remember about my 30th birthday? That jon worked, and then left the next day for a two week trip.

I keep calling 'recommended' therapists and none of them take my insurance...I am trying, I am. I just feel beaten down from every possible angle.
But there is supposed to be some big 6 month hormonal turning point, we'll see.

Weird

when you leave the baby in the crib like this:



and then you come back in and he is like this:




it is startling...he can move on his own. I guess this is where the fun begins?

However there is some levity in between hysteria...

j- did you just fart?
k- yup.
j- I am actually kind of relieved, I thought it was your breath.

Where do I start?

So god since last time I posted.
1) I have been officially diagnosed with PPD.
2) this doesn't make me feel better as everyone said that it should
3) It is everyone's opinion that the only solution is Zolof.
4) I am not of this opinion, nor is Mia, but literally everyone else is. I just think I need to get some rest. I think the cumulative effects of not sleeping have pushed me into a bad dark place. Jon says I am deluded and can't see outside myself and need some chemical therapy.
4a) jon had to come home from work to take care of me after a particularly difficult time. I was allowed to sleep for 4 hours in a row, it was heavenly and I felt like a new person.
5) we made an offer on a house lived and died in it and lost it to a higher bidder in like 4 days.
6) I was told by my very sweet landlord that we can either sign another year lease or move. Those are the choices...
7) interest rates are devilishly high.
8) we are going to NYC next weekend!!!
9) I am no longer going to ATL because jon's company cxled his trip to Asia.

Come to a pity party, won't you?

I mean the day started off rough at 2 this morning, then at 3:30 and then at 6am. I am not really sure what time I dragged my ass (or our asses I should say)out of bed. The clock has not been my friend and I think it is better if we have some apart time. I went to put the baby down for his nap. He was tired but having absolutely none of it. I was getting to the point where it was like, "damn baby, I am trying to read some blogs can you just cool it" except far more resentful than that. So he is fussing it out in the crib and the kinda whiney kvetching becomes real cries, like for reals.
So I spring up to see the baby's eye rimmed with blood. I proceed to lose my fucking shit. I couldn't tell where the blood was coming from and the tears were making it worse, both mine and the baby's. I call the ped. They are on FUCKING LUNCH for an hour. It was 12:36 and I was trying to decide if I should take him to the emergency room. I am trying to comfort him with the boob, but boob has decided to clench up because I am so thoroughly on the brink of a full melt down. Which makes me hate myself even more. Even my own fucking biology is failing me.
At 12:59 I start calling again. I get a person and they say to come right in. I throw on some clothes, because I had the fore sight to dress the baby but not myself. There has been hysteria in the house for the last 24 minutes. I am cursing myself to the sky and apologizing to the baby for having such a terrible mother. I cry the whole walk over to the hospital. I cry in the waiting room while I paid my co-pay. I cried while the dr. cleaned up his eye with WATER.
I feel angry at the baby when we get home. I am considering leaving a dear jon note and fleeing the country. I then recall my passport is expired.
The baby naps for a blissful hour and a half. I cry for most of it. Then I think I should be more pro-active. I start looking up PPD checklists.
I made an appointment for next Tuesday.
Why does nature do this to us? I wanted children, It is perhaps the only thing I ever knew that I wanted to do. You have 9 1/2 months of blissful ignorance, expectation, and wonder. Then BAM you are slammed with delivery - BOFF forget about sleeping - SLAM hormones, when you think you are out of the woods - BASH more hormones.
Goodbye rational thought. Adios thoughtful, intelligent woman I once was. Au revoir intellectual stimulation. Auf Wiedersehen sense of control over anything in my life. Sayonara self respect or decision making skills.

Now I don't write these things to make anyone worry (MW - I'm looking at you.) I feel like as long as I am writing, things are OK, I can vent. If you don't hear from me for a long time then you may worry.

Also I am going to Hotlanta later in May for a few days to see the MIL without jon - Just me and baby. There is a very strong chance that I may be able to sleep for a couple of hours in a row, so that is something.

And I have a GOOD baby. He rarely cried without there being a clear reason. He is sweet and cheerful. He has big smiles for everyone, he couldn't be cuter. What the fuck would I do if I had a bad baby?

Do I have to even remind you that I am going to be 30 in 27 days?

before
after

Hair

Let me start off my saying how attractive my husband is. He is so handsome and as the years have passed he has come into himself and just gotten better and better looking. He still gives me butterflies when he walks around the apartment scantily clad. Then I feel guilty that I have become such a pig, compared to the girl he met 12 years ago. At the end of my pregnancy I was in fact twice the girl he met, almost. I say to him "well at least I have a good personality right? And you love me for what's inside?" And because he is smart and sweet he says "I love you for what's on the inside and outside." OK so that is established...
I HATE it when jon grows his hair out. I think it looks stupid and ugly and I say as much to him. If he said anything remotely approaching how mean I am about his hair to me I would melt into a puddle on the floor and cry for days.
The two major breaks in our relationship have happened when he had long hair. I t just looks awful. He touches it non-stop when it is long. Always shaking his head to see his bangs and pulling in the back to see how far around his neck it goes. In an hour I bet, no lie, he would touch his hair like 75 times. I can't stand it, it is like a narcissistic tick.
It makes his head look gigantic. It makes him look like some kind of refugee. We were watching this special on the Tiananmen Square Massacre and jon has the same hair as all the student activists in 1989, men and women. As a Korean man, he has beautiful, thick, black, shiny hair. However, when it gets any length to it, it hangs around his face like a heavy curtain of grease and gross. It hides his remarkable jaw line and handsome face. Are you getting the idea of how much I hate his hair long? Because I could go on, and probably will...
Perhaps the worst part of it is how cool he thinks he looks. He listens to too much brit pop trash and he thinks his hair looks all mod and shit. I feel a little embarrassed for him a) that he thinks that is cool and b) that he cares that much about being cool. He thinks someone is going to ask him to join Babyshambles or something.
You know when you see people with terrible unflattering 80's hair or that terrible Eastern Block red dye job, and you think "oh that poor person, they don't have any one who loves them to tell them how bad they look." That was jon. It wasn't like it was styled just shaggy and unkept and ugly.
I hated it so.
So this weekend I threw my substantial weight around. Pouting and moping and being generally short and bitchy. Every time jon would ask me what was wrong I would say, "your hair." In reality it was/is a combo of IV (more on that saga) and mild depression, whatevs.
By Sunday he made the app. And by 6 pm my handsome husband was back. When he walked in the door I believe my words were "bestill my heart." I used a BJ as a bargaining chip and jon cashed in.
Then he tells me how he spent $100 including tip and product on his hair. He gave the woman who told him his hair looked like Don Ho a $32 tip because "she gave me a really really good haircut." By the time he got home from work Monday, he told me he was going to shave it off. I said, "you shave off your $100 haircut and I am going to punch you in the face." I probably didn't mean it but have you ever heard of such a thing?
He was despondent all night last night. It was really too bad he ruined my day because I had a wonderful sweet day with baby. He wouldn't look at me or address me unless it was baby related.
He refused to eat and pouted all night because "now he looks like every other Asian guy" I personally don't see the advantage of being known as the Asian guy with ugly refugee hair, but that is just me.
Then he drank 1/2 a bottle of wine and was all jokey like he hadn't spent the previous hours acting like a child. Well I didn't drink and I remember him acting like as ass.
It hurts, He was the only adult I talked to yesterday and he thinks it is ok to punish me for having him get a haircut?

The problem is bigger than hair or alcoholism here. I know it is probably hard work being good looking all day. Maybe I am lucky to be dumpy to the point of invisibility.
I don't want Jon teaching our son to be vain. I don't want our son to distance himself from his Asian-ness. Unfortunately, jon has bought into the ignorant, Anglo "all Asians look alike" bullshit. He resents looking like one of 'them'. Has it ever occurred to him that a lot of Asians sport a similar haircut because it is flattering to their hair-type or features? Or the fact that there are like 4 haircuts that white dudes have?
I am certainly not saying that surfing the wave of main stream America is easier. I am just saying it is lame to look like an asshole on principal because you want to look 'different.'
I want our son to know it really doesn't matter what is on the outside (as long as I approve), you can look however you want (as long as you are not my husband.)

Am I being as asshole? If you knew your mate HATED your hair would you change it? I know I would.

Some random remarks

I was looking at my last year's agenda to see when we paid our taxes last year. And I saw that on March 27th, at 5am, I got my first positive pregnancy test. It seems so crazy that it has only been a year since that day and that baby E is almost 5 months old. I know time flies is the biggest cliche in the world but man I guess it is a classic cliche because it is true.

Also my agenda looked way different last year. I have shows listed that I went to. The day my op/ed piece was in the SF Chronicle. Days I worked. Now my agenda reads like this:

4/11 grasps toy with two hands and brings to mouth
4/12 taxes accepted
4/13 FOUND FEET!
4/14 no poop :(
1:30 vag dr appoint

I was reading over at kdamnspot how none of her husband's siblings have not seen her 6 week old baby. I have a similar beef with jon's sister. She has no interest in seeing her nephew. I haven't even spoken to her since the baby was born. She was supposed to come out with the MIL for xmas. But decided she wasn't in the xmas spirit so she stayed in Charlotte. At first I felt bad for her, now I am outright pissed. I mean I know SF and Charlotte are far away from each other but this girl boasts all the time about her lucrative job and brand new Mercedes. She just doesn't care. Jon doesn't care so why should I? Also she is no longer talking to the MIL because the MIL had a poorly thought out "intervention" with the sister. She thinks she is on drugs and drinks too much both of which are probably true. Just for reference the SIL is going to be 33 this year it isn't like she is a kid. I always thought we would name her "godmother" We are not particularly religious, but just a thing. No way. I am going to have my brother Kevin and someone better be the godmother. See how she is punished! FEAR MY REIGN!

Help! My child's a cutter

Baby has been driving us a little batty.
At night we are psyched if we get to sleep 2 hours in a row, and very upset if we are woken up every 45 minutes on the regular. I am guessing it is a growth spurt combined with a tooth that is trying to break through.
Well this morning when jon handed him to be I was shocked to see that baby seems to have tried to claw his scalp off in the night. It is truly horrifying. See photo.

I just feel all icky. I mean yes first and foremost there is IV. And I know yeast is a natural thing. But the idea that I have the ingredients to make bread or beer out of my vag is revolting. I know it is not the same yeast and actually I really like beer and bread. It's just gross and the fact that it has all these medical people stumped, well that sucks big monkey nuts.
Then baby has this gnarly diaper rash. I don't know. I spend like an hour outside in the park yesterday with him bare-assed to try to "Get some air in there." I swear there is no more often changed child and it isn't the clothe, believe me. He is a real mess with the paper diapers.
Now he has these slashes all over his forehead from his tiny razor nails. That I just trimmed.

My house is in shambles - more so than usual. Probably because baby isn't really into napping anymore why sleep during the day when you don't sleep at night? And when I only get 20 minutes or so, you know I am spending it dicking around on the computer and not wasting it vacuuming or doing dishes...

I think I threw my back out or twisted it trying to do some night nursing. Also I can't figure out the CA insurance to go see a chiro.

And to top it off I am going to be 30 in 40 days.

100 years and 20 weeks

Today is significant in that it was the centennial of the big quake that shook SF in 1906 and left the city burning for 4 days. And my big boy is 20 weeks old today.

Today was a beautiful day and the sun was shining. Mia and I went to Golden Gate Park to let our boys soak up the sunshine. Leon peed outside 2x. It was cool.

I also coincidentally met the mommy portion of this dynamic blog duo. I was a bit star struck. Wood is really a knockout. It was cool to see her in the park. Even if my world's kinda collided.

I had a dream last night that Maria was pregnant again.

The baby found his feet and his weenie on the same day. He was curious about the weenie but the FEET! I told him that someday I would remind him for his feet preference and we would laugh and laugh...

The Mystery at the Old Vagina

So I went to the doctor's again on Friday trying to figure out what is happening to my labia et. all. I am so over being embarrassed by this and talking about it at length or describing in great detail to jon the deep extent of my itching.
Guess what? The nurse practitioner didn't know! At least she swabbed it and they sent it off to the lab. They gave me a mega pill to take. Isn't that nice, "no honey we don't know what it is, but take this pill" the wonders of modern medicine.
in other news to help us all recover from our illnesses. Baby has been waking up hourly or every 90 minutes all night for the last 3 nights. I am slow to say he is teething but there is a little white mound on his lower gum and I can't imagine what else to call it.
Between IV (itchy vagina) and no sleep, I am so fucking grumpy it isn't funny.
So that is what occupies my day. Oh and buying Robeez on eBay and then bitching about them to the seller. Caveat emptor right?

Back from Death's Door.

On Monday I was feeling a little crappy. So I thought I would lay down with the baby for his 11 o'clock nap. When we woke up an hour or so later. I thought someone had slipped me dying potion. My body ached, my joints were stiff and ouchy, I felt like I had the arthritis. I was chilled and just miserable. I tried to engage the baby in a popular game called - let's sleep some more. He thought that game sucked, then I tried - let's cuddle nice under the blankets. Not having it. So I went to feed him. NOOOO are you nuts? I don't want food from that lava tit! So I went to change him, my knees felt like they were going to give out. I finished changing him on the floor. Then I tried to entertain him with floor games. I was afraid I may drop him. I took my temp and promised myself if it was over 100, I would call jon and beg him to come home. It was 100.2, so I called jon and then put the baby in the crib and curled up on the floor next to the crib. It was sad.
Jon then took care of the baby for the rest of the day while I slept. He is a prince among men.

My mom called me last night to tell me they just got a patient who has herpes in her brain. She called me special to tell me because she knew it was gross and loves to talk about gross things. Then she told me about in the past how they had a lady with gonorrhea in her lungs. I guess she got some infected spooge in there and it set up camp. How nasty. She used to tell me these stories to scare me away from sex. But I am like, mom I had a baby. I have seen first hand what sex can do!

Also me and my vagina are no longer on speaking terms...

It seems like a million years

Since I last wrote but it was really only a week or so ago.

Jon has been ill. coughing and stuffy, not too bad but not too helpful. He chastised me this weekend for not being sympathetic enough, I was just like 'sorry babe, I just don't have anything left for you.' Then that made me feel kind of sad.

He stayed home from work yesterday. I took the opportunity to go to urgent care and get my tootsie looked at because something was awry downtown. I am unsure what. And after three hours of waiting, neither did the doctor. (WARNING TMI FOLLOWING)
At my 6 week check up I had a vaginal cyst located over my stitches. I was pretty sure that it was infected, since for the last week or so it was all red, swollen, and itchy. It was nice to reaquaintance myself with my gingham which had been my forsworn enemy since the birth of the baby. I was mad at it for not being the same. It was slightly alarming when I finally took mirror in hand to investigate. My stitches/rip has not healed to be "better than before" as promised. It look like a bad sewing job. And m'lady seems to be a different colour - an angry crimson instead of the lovely pink of yore.
So now I am attacking it with various creams and potions. Maybe it has to do with my post partum bladder problem, and the pee is irritating my flaming lips.

Yeah you think it is disgusting to read about try having it.

Back in Black

So we are back home from our long week in MA. It was cold.

Baby turned 4 months old yesterday. He got 4 shots. He weighs 15lbs 10oz. he is in the 75% for weight and height. So screw you all the people that says, "my he's big for a 4 month old."

I think about 45 times in the last 2 weeks I have said 'oh my god I can't do this.' He was pretty good on the flight to MA, there was no sleeping for a 5 hour flight. Then he cried for 3 hours after we got to my parents house. He has NEVER done anything like that before. He was overtired to the utmost extreme. He was pretty cranky while we were there. Partly because there was very little napping, my mother kept going in to look at him and wake him up. I would put him down for a nap and then get in the shower, I would get out and there he would be in my mother's arms, rubbing his eyes. OK so this exact scenario happened once, but you know where I am going with this.

He was a bear for the 6 hour flight home. He cried and cried. I almost pissed my pants. He fell asleep I ran to the toilet. I came back and he was crying.
He was awful on Tuesday, I had to actually drug the baby. He was OVERTIRED and refused to sleep cried and cried. So the baby tylenol had to come out. If you are drugging your 4 month old then you can be pretty sure that you are a bad mother.

He has been super crabby today so far - sprinkled with moments of cuddling and mr charming smiler's appearance.

I am happy to be home. It was nice to have the 'help' while I was home it was fantastic to see my friends. I miss you guys.

New Pictures

Melodrama

So I have the tendency to be dramatic. Big Whoop, you wanna fight about it?
See the thing with these wacky hormones is things seem so gosh darn bleak, until they aren't any more.
Jon returns late Weds nite. After I wrote this post, he called, from Rome. I yelled at him and was a general bitch - nothing like picking a fight from thousands of miles away :)

But Ugh, dealing with a crabby baby when you are already crabby is tough, there is only room for one grouch in this house kid and I have years of experience on you!

Tomorrow is, my best friend, Maria's 30th birthday. I just hope I remember to call her. Honestly, I can be such a numbnut.

While my MIL was here I was able to accomplish a few choice things that I could not comment on due to the aforementioned pity party.

I went here, it is the most civilized place I think I have ever been to. If you are ever in San Francisco I can not recommend it highly enough.

Saturday night I went here.
we say this band. It was fun to be out in the world. Then I went to this bar with my friend Kelly.

It was weird and exciting to be out in the world sans baby. Honestly I thought about him the whole time and wondered what he was doing.

I am going to go and eat 34 chocolate chip cookies now...

Fucking A

So last night I started bleeding this gross black blood. It is so fucking unfair. I am not supposed to get my period until I stop breastfeeding.
I just got off the emotional roller coaster from the pregnancy hormones. And now I am a bear because of regular lady business.
The baby is crabby. Don't even get me started on my mother in laws visit- the wounds are still too fresh.
Jon doesn't come home for days yet.
I can't seem to stop crying...

jumpin' jumpin'

click here for my new favorite website...hours wasted.

congratulations over at kdamnspot. A beautiful little girl who weighed the same as our little man.

So jon left this morning. He is gone again until next weds, then on that Saturday the baby and I will be making our first cross country adventure to MA. I am a little freaked out but as Maria very wisely put it, "every 'first' with the baby is scary and then you just do it and it is fine." Worst case scenario, he screams the entire 6 hours. But what do I do with the baby if I have to pee? I simply will not ingest fluids and avoid it.
My MIL arrives late tomorrow evening. She will be staying with me through Sunday. Am I a princess or what? We knew we were w/o family here and we still had the baby. And now my parents and my MIL are flying out here to help me out. I am actually looking forward to it. I love having someone else to talk about how great the baby is.

This is what I have been pondering lately...OK you have a kid. And the love is like nothing else. Yeah you love your partner, your cat, your parents, lamp, ect. But the kid, shit. SO then your kid has a kid and so is that why grandparents are like that? They love what you love the most, and it is your kid, so it is a sort of mega compounded love. Sometimes when I think of Baby E having a kid my organs like collapse on top of each other and I want to melt into a puddle of emotion...

Even I want to barf that was so inane and silly. Where is the poop talk?

Whoa Nelly

So I sold a baby item in Craig's list the other day. The person calls me and wants to come and pick it up. Cool. I tell him to come after 7pm just in case he is an ax murderer and wants to kill and rape me and steal my baby and sell him on the black market. He says he and his wife Edna, who is due any day, will be there after 7.
Around 8 we get a call, they will be there soon the bus is taking a long time.
They show up eventually and they are BABIES. I think I was mouth agape shocked. Maybe they were 20 maybe. How on earth can they handle having a baby? I mean I am pushing 30 and barely hanging on!
I know my mom and dad had me when they were 19 and 21 respectively. But I don't know it was different times or something...
Babies. I felt stupid taking their 10 bucks. Jon and I couldn't stop talking about them as we watched the rest of American idol.

Also Congrats to Emily and the birth of her daughter ella matilda on Feb 20th.

Also more pictures here.

Awe Shucks

3 months old

Baby rewarded us on his 3 month birthday by sleeping from 8pm to 4 am, officially sleeping through the night, then 4 to 7:30. Now I am not so foolish as to think this is the way it is going to be. But, it was really nice. He also grabbed out and touched an object for the first time on Thursday. And then on Saturday I got my first honest to god, unmistakable laugh. I was kissing his little cheesy neck and all of a sudden there were peals of laughter. I almost cried, it is easily the sweetest sound I have ever heard.

Jon and I celebrated our reunion this weekend with some major consuming. We packed up and headed to the Ferry Building, which is the expensive more yuppified version of my beloved Chelsea Market. At Hog Island, I consumed $12 worth of oysters in 1 minute. Then I topped off the oysters with a $12 bowl of clam chowder. You better believe it was super delicious.
They have this really great olive oil place there. If you bring in your old bottle they give you a $2 discount. On the way out of the oyster place, jon drops the bottle and it shatters. Now I had held onto this bottle for weeks. It wasn't about the $2 it was the principle of saving this bottle and then taking it all around to get it refilled. Fortunately jon knows me, and sensing my dismay, said "I'll see what I can do." Sure enough he charmed those women right out of their 2 dollar discount. I was so proud that I got the "expensive" olive oil. "Reasonable attractive man with an unreasonable adorable baby - They didn't stand a chance" no they didn't my love.

Then I dropped $25 on app. 1 lb of cheese at Cowgirl Creamery. They have this Mt Tam triple creme cheese that is literally out of this world. It has this super-soft, fuzzy out layer / encasement, so we renamed it "pet cheese." Pet cheese is so delicious, think of the creamiest most butteriest Brie you ever had. This is way better.

Somehow I was surprised when I came home and checked the balance in our checking account was $87.00.

yeah I am tacky and I like to talk about money, big woop.

Just to note

On feb 22, 2005 was my LMP.
One year w/o a. flo.

Additional Misadventures

So yesterday I locked myself out. It was late afternoon and I had baby AND dog. I grabbed the wrong set of keys, the ones with the front gate and the fire escape keys. Don't even ask me why such a set exists. I called my friend who had the extra set of keys but she wasn't home. The extra extra set of keys I had gotten back from my other friend so my parents would have a set. And I lost that set sometime while they were here.
So I called my building manager, and she came like 20 minutes later. Erstwhile, I had the fire escape keys, so I checked all my neighbors that I share that escape with to see if I could get in, of course no one was home. What an asshole.
I am so pleased that my parents had allowed me to bank so sleep so I was feeling pretty ok and was very calm and didn't cry or lose my shit.

Today we had our first bus ride on the #71, we went to the Farmer's Market at the Civic Center. The baby was looking all around. He didn't even know there were that many people in the world let alone all the crazies he saw on the bus today. We got honey, pistachioes, and tamales.

I would like to give props to Bravado. I had ordered a bra there at the end of Dec, it took weeks to get to me and you know they received a snide email. As a reply, they sent me a complimentary $35 bra. Who doesn't love free stuff especially when it is something you could really use and then it is for free. So if you are in need of a great nursing bra, I can whole heartedly recommend them! I got the fancy leopard print bra which simply mesmerizes the baby when I go to whip my tit out...

Proud Poppa

Poppa G and baby E.

Home Alone

SO my parents left this morning. Baby and I proceeded to take a 2 hour nap. Something as yet unheard of for the little lad. Perhaps it was my persuasiveness with what I call the snooze button. You may know it as a pacifier. I jam that little puppy back in his mouth hole and I have anywhere from 3 minutes to 15 minutes more of napping.
I booked my tickets back to MA as well. We are going to be there for 10 days or so. So I will see my parents, or more importantly they will see the baby in about a month. They were all over that kid. My mom was giving him like 2 baths a day which is considerably more than the bath every week I was giving him weather he needed it or not.
The picture is from Ft. Funston. Could they be more happy?

We went to Muir Woods yesterday which is this stunning national park with redwoods, sequoias, and various levels of hiking. It was pretty cool. Then I wanted to go to Best Buy to try to buy a video camera. It proved itself to be too difficult and I left empty handed. But my father was wearing the baby (too cute for words) He sheepishly comes up to me and says there was not three blasts from baby but four. We know what that means. Luckily in the Best Buy parking lot there is a Babys R Us, I knew they would have nice changing facilities. What I was not prepared for was when I pulled the baby out the Bjorn, the literal shit parade I was witness too. It was ALL over the bjorn, all over his pants, I had to strip him naked in the changing room, and use about 1 million wipes, since he has shit up his back. Then we had to buy new pants at the store because all I had with me was a onsie. I mean I can't believe my baby does an inordinate amount of shit. How do other mothers contain it in the disposable diapers? Maybe I am using too small a size. Or are the ruffles of the diapers supposed to be inside or outside. Am I simply retarded? Every time babE poops in the 'sposies, It is an unbelievable mess. Any assvise is greatly appreciated.
I rarely have the poop storm with my cloth diapers. Can I say again how much I love them! At first I was doing it because we have a diaper service and I like the idea of not having the babE incased in plastic. Now I am a believer that they are simply better at holding poop and peep.
Holy shit I can't believe all of my posts of late have been about my son's BM's. This is just how it happens I guess...

Ect...

So my parents, they have absconded with the baby. They took milk and off they went.
I slept until 10:30!!!
That was after, at 7am this morning, the baby pissed directly into his toy bucket. Pretty good aim!
I am listening to Tim Gunn's (PR) podcast as I write. Do you know about podcasts? They are so cool.
My parents leave tomorrow, I am scared. It is really only 2 days until jon returns. I miss him so much. I spoke to him yesterday from Ft. Funston (see flickr photos) and he was about to bawl. Poor emotional daddy, it is going to be shocking to him when he sees how big he is. I feel his extra weight in my lower back every time I pick him up. My back is shot BTW. Some weird guy thought he was 7 months old. I mean he is good sized but for christ's sake, he is not that big!
ok I am going to get my nails did!

the 'rents

SO my moms and pops are here. They are so adorable with the baby. Making general fools of themselves just to get a glimpse of that gummy smile. I mean it is worth anything to see him laugh so I can't blame them.
But my mom is the cutest. She is terrified of all the crazy people in SF. SO that means that she is constantly freaking out and thinks everyone so trying to steal the baby. My dad is the opposite, he has been running all over the place, literally. He thinks nothing of running 8 or 9 miles in the morning and then still has endless energy to tour the city.
Unfortunately the weather has been unseasonably cold and crappy here. And it is actually warmer in MA! So that sort of blows.
It is still so nice to have them here and making a lot of the baby and I haven't had to change every diaper and my dad is actually giving him a bottle right now...
So that is kind of the boring update. I am trying to convince them to move out here. My mom is caving but my dad is unwilling to leave MA now.
It is so nice to have someone else to talk about the baby with and talk about how cute he is and conjecturing (?) about his future.
Unfortunately having them here and trying to have conversations about anything is really highlighting how unbelievably stupid I have become. I can't remember words, nothing stays in my head for longer than 3 minutes. I fear the lameness of my blog from my dumb mommy brain. It is really like being stoned 24/7. Just dumb and absentminded and fucking TIRED.

It begins

So Jon just left. I think the hardest days are the first one and the last one. But my parents arrive tomorrow night sometime. I have a playdate tomorrow with my old pre-natal yoga teacher and Mia. There is this mommy's group that meets at a local coffee shop at 1pm that I may check out.
Also PR is on tonight if I can stay awake for it.
Our V-day was kind of bittersweet. I think the trip was just looming over us as we ate our sushi. So that means a lot of tense, forced, conversation. I think we both just sort of shut down as to make the departure less painful.
When jon was saying "Bye Little, I love you" I thought I was going to lose it.

Shit Storm

Yesterday was the best day of the year so far hands down.
It was HOT, like 75, which is scorchin' for SF. So Mia and I took the babies and off we went to the beach. It was absolutely lovely. The ocean was too beautiful for words the sun was shining. LOVELY, then we went to Trader Hoes and did some grocery shopping. This amounted to a pretty long day for le bebe, in the hot sun (yes he was well covered what kind of mother do you think I am?)
By the time we got home, He was in full shit rage mode. All red and stiff and MAD as HELL. So I stripped him down to a diaper and he was still uncomfortable, so I stripped him down all the way, and I took my pants off too so they wouldn't make him hot. I sat in the semi-lotus position and tried to nurse him down. Apparently I relaxed him too much because the next thing I know there is a warmth spreading in my crotchal region. I lift the baby to see he has shat into MY underpants. My pubic hair was drenched in shit, the rug, my leg everything. I threw my undies away (I hated them anyway) and tried to get the shit out of my pubs before it seeped into my vagina!

Today, we are having our little sponge bath and I get him all clean. He pees all over his chest (the pee-pee tee-pee's are never there when you need them.) No biggie. I clean him up. Then he starts to shart a little. SO I soak it up with a wipe, no biggie. The shart becomes a real shit and the next thing I know there is a golden arch of shit flying through the air with an alarming velocity. I kid you not when I say it hit his diaper pail 3 feet away. It now makes more sense to me when I am holding him and I feel the shit let loose in his diaper and it feel like it was rocket launched from his bowels.

All I have to say is that I am lucky breastfed baby shit is not really that bad to clean up cause it was everywhere. He shat into the wipes dispenser, the top two wipes were all shitty!

So much for Elimination Communication...

holy cannoli

Baby slept from 11pm to 6:30am.
Now jon and I will spend the rest of our lives trying to replicate the exact scenario that lead to those hours of sleep.
I still woke up at 3:45 to check his breathing.

Dabnabit

I should just change the name of this blog to "...and then the baby woke up."

I have like 4 posts that began and then were abruptly cut off due to wails and screams that send me running.

Last week jon popped on me that he was to be gone for the majority of March. TO Europe for two weeks. He comes back for 5 days and then he is off to Asia for a week. And Yes this is on top of the trip he is leaving for next week.

I knew this would happen. He has to travel a lot for his job, nothing new. I just find myself really punishing him.

He was in L.A. last week for 2 days. When he came home I was so miserable. He saw Paris Hilton and I was just so resentful. Not so much of seeing Paris Hilton, I mean she is a skank. But the fact that he can just leave and be gone - He can enjoy hours and hours of interrupted sleep, being able to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. Will I ever be able to do that? I don't think so, not for a VERY long time. I don't know. It would break my heart to leave the baby for any period of time. I feel like I miss him when I go to sleep.

But poor Jon, I become such a martyr. I am bitter and jealous and resentful.

I asked jon to change the baby's diaper on Saturday morning and he wouldn't get out of bed. I LOST MY SHIT. This was his first morning back after returning from L.A. I was hysterical because he wouldn't get up and change the diaper. It wasn't about the diaper, it was about the fact that I can't shower when I want or take a shit in peace. And he couldn't get out of bed to help me?
God that must sound stupid and pathetic. Something so small can really send you over the edge. Jon was so surprised when he saw me sobbing. "I figured you were right there, you could change the diaper" I told him he was an ass and had no empathy. Honestly I said horrible things to the best man on the planet, who I am so lucky to have.

ugh.

It has been determined that my MIL is going to come and stay with me for a while in March and I think I may end up going home to MA for a while at the end of March.

...and then the baby cried, which is just as well since this was about to become a real pity party of one.

This outfit no longer fits him.

2 months

Somehow the boy is 9 weeks old today.
He was two months old on Sunday.

We went to the dr yesterday and he got 4 shots. I cried. The nurse rolled her eyes. She clearly has become jaded or doesn't have children of her own. Then I tried to nurse him to comfort him and shot milk - fountain like all over his face. Not so comforting.

He weighs 12 lbs 3 oz and is 1/4" shy of 2 feet long.

He smiles for real, on purpose now. If you open your mouth while you look at him he will mirror you. He coos a lot. At his mobile, and his little friends at the dressing table.

We took him out of our bed this weekend and put him in his little co-sleeper (right next to the bed). It was a seamless adjustment and I felt a little sad.

Poop patrol

So today I actually saw poop shooting out of little man's butt. It was fully contained in the diaper but, man, that shit shot!

Then he actually pooped on me. I am wondering if maybe baby poop doesn't have all the bad e coli stuff that grown up poop has. But not quite urious enough to look it up.

I guess he doesn't like it when I eat gigantic platefuls of linguini and pesto.

Yesterday little man and I and our best SF mommy friend went out to Marin. We saw horses and hawks and salamander and partidges, It was so beautiful, yet another reason to love this area.

Could it be?

The reason I am holding onto everything is for baby #2?

I can't believe I am even considering it now. But I don't know. Thinking that I will never do any of this again seems not right. I can barely handle my one child how on earth would I manage 2. This would also mean that I would never have a life again right? I mean no more career girl for me.

My dad told me it was a much bigger adjustment going from none to one than from one to two or two to three. That is very encouraging. I mean this is years off and I am not sure why I am even writing about it.

The boy is 8 weeks old today, but won't be two months old, well there is no feb 29, so I guess on March 1 st he will be 2 months? Is that right?

Oh my god sleep deprivation makes you stupid as shit.

Has anyone ever made blackout curtains? Then maybe I can trick the bay into sleeping more during the daylight hours.
Or I could just bite it and start going to bed a 9 pm. He is calling the shots I don't know why I pretend.

Random Rambling

I feel a little heart broken every time I put a new outfit in the "too small bag."

It is really insane that all those parenting cliches are true.

He has little pudgy hands and legs like a real baby. Also he has smelly little man pickle feet. Can you imagine anything cuter?

It is confirmed than my parents are going to come out for the first 5 days that jon is in Asia. Then maybe my MIL will come out or I will rough it for 5 days on my own.

Typing just cause I can

So I don't really have anything to say but the baby is sleeping and I figure I should take advantage while I can.

You know while I sit there BFing the baby, I write these wonderful witty, insightful blog entries. Of course I can't move or the baby pops off my nipple, and latching on still hurts, (perhaps hurts is an exaggeration).
I write thoughtful notes to my friends and family. It is a lovely thing and then everything disappears into my baby brain. *poof*

You know everyone is like "cherish these moments" "they are only this little once" "times goes by so fast" and then I feel guilty because maybe I am not 'in the moment' enough. I am not cherishing these precious memories goddamnmit! Perhaps you can only cherish things when they are not happening anymore. You don't know what you got till its gone type thing. Don't get me wrong, I spend the majority of my day looking and smelling and kissing my lovely baby. But then I get those nagging thoughts in my head FOREVER FOREVER. THIS IS YOUR LIFE, FOREVER!
then I feel consumed with guilt for getting frustrated, he can't help it. He is a little baby.

I am super psyched that American Idol starts tonight.

The Golden Globes were boring. Probably because I have not seen any of the movies except Capote. I am glad PSH won for that, he deserved it. I can't believe all of the movies were from the last 7 weeks. (yes E is 7 weeks today, thanks for noticing.)

just my inane thoughts for the day, it is 3:30pm and I still have not left the apartment.

Just to clarify

You know how you all have that friend that you only hear from when they want to bitch? That is me. I only write when I am freaking out.
honestly this whole baby thing is unbelievable 90% of the time. You hear from me that 10% of the ugly, meltdown part.

jon brought me a shit load of bagels back from NYC, see - silver lining.

Like Most things you dread

These last few days really haven't been that bad. I mean there hasn't been a lot of me time, you know to sit on the can and read Harper's or anything.
Hopefully the weight is coming off too since I can never eat and all I do is feed baby,.
But jon will be back in like less than 3 hours hopefully. Certainly I am not winning any parenting awards for the last few days but (as I discussed w/ maria on the phone) we are all still alive and at the end of the day that is what matters.
Also can we all just come out of the closet about how much we all love Project Runway? It really irks me that the east coast gets to find out who gets cut three hours before me. But I love that bravo has like 2 popular shows and so almost anytime that you put it on you can catch a PR.

#1 bad motha

Well Fucking blogger isn't working...

So I just got a call from Jon. They want him to leave for NYC tomorrow and come home Friday. I totally freaked out. I don't think I can manage the baby alone for 2 nights. Am I the lamest mother in the world?

We all know jon travels a lot, that is part of his job. He is leaving for a long trip that was supposed to be at the end of this month. Thankfully it has been pushed back to the middle of February.

I mean so far I have really only lost it twice. Once on Friday and then this morning. I just feel so goddamn tired. There is a bottle in the fridge and jon said he would feed the baby once last night. But then he doesn't get up the baby just cries and cries and so by then my milk is leaking and I may as well get up. Then this morning I had just gotten back into bed from the morning feeding and his alarm goes off. He snoozed it THREE FUCKING TIMES. I was ready to punch him in the face. He doesn't get up with the baby and then he won't let me get back to sleep. From then the baby was up every like 25 minutes, I just wanted to sleep so bad. The baby is crying I am crying, I told my 6 week old to shut up through my clenched teeth as I tried to push his pacifier into his crying mouth, oh my god I am awful.

He calls me and reads me the email they sent him from work. It was very understanding - we know you have a new baby, but if you could make it to NY it would be really good - So this is licence for Jon to freak out and read way into the email. So now jon is like, if I start backing out of trips, and I am not doing my job, they are going to fire me. Oh my god they are not going to fire you. They really like jon, if anything was funky, I am sure they would pull him aside and talk to him before they canned his ass. man he is driving me crazy.
Then he says well you know I am traveling in Feb. No, I fucking forgot. It is hanging over me like a wrecking ball. But this is the level of desperation people. I was thinking about FLYING TO GA to stay with my MIL while he was in Asia. Now there is a glimmer of hope that my mother may be able to fly out here. And that would be fucking delicious people. She is going to get back to me ASAP. I hope she can come. Otherwise I may really go to GA.

I feel like as asshole that I am scared to be left for 3 days along with my baby. But that is the way I feel,
I mean I have friends that I could call and ask to come over. And plenty of people have offered their help. I just have this phobia about asking for help. They could say no, you can't really rely on anyone but yourself and all that self serving shit. Ugh, Can you hear the desperation in my typing?

update:
As of 1:30 PST jon is leaving for NYC tomorrow. Let the freak out commence!

No Sleepy Time

So baby only slept in 1 1/2 hour to 2 hour chunks. Sheeeeeet.
He is napping now.
Tomorrow he will be 6 weeks old.
I guess he could be going through a growth spurt, my nipples are sore.

He discovered on Friday that if I hold him under his pits, he can stand. So we get all exited and shout STANDING BABY. He likes it.
He is starting to smile on purpose.

He seems to only want to sleep with the tv on, he is my kid.

Also his nostrils are really firm. I guess so he doesn't suffocate on my massive tits.

wow exiting stuff.

Jon and I went out for sushi for our third wedding anniversary. We didn't exchange gifts for xmas or for our anniversary. It was actually quite a relief. Otherwise, jon brings the drama over the gifts. Not what I need.

Can you tell I am sleep deprived?

oh

And that shit I was bragging about sleeping 6 hours in a row. Yeah - that was a one time deal.
Baby doesn't like to sleep unless he is being held. Binkies were cool at first and then the novelty wore off.

Also *new low in humiliation*. Jon had to help me pump my breasts the other day because I had my hands full of baby. Being pumped, for milk, by another human, unthinkable.

You Done Spoiled Him Already

It is really nice when even the toothless, 60 year-old lady at Walgreens thinks you are a bad parent.
That is what she said to us while she was checking us out.

My poor little guy has excema or some rash, the beginnings of cradle cap, and is usually covered in spit-up. But I look at this moist, sour smelling,red, pustule covered, scaly baby and I know I have never seen anything more beautiful in my life.