#1 bad motha

Well Fucking blogger isn't working...

So I just got a call from Jon. They want him to leave for NYC tomorrow and come home Friday. I totally freaked out. I don't think I can manage the baby alone for 2 nights. Am I the lamest mother in the world?

We all know jon travels a lot, that is part of his job. He is leaving for a long trip that was supposed to be at the end of this month. Thankfully it has been pushed back to the middle of February.

I mean so far I have really only lost it twice. Once on Friday and then this morning. I just feel so goddamn tired. There is a bottle in the fridge and jon said he would feed the baby once last night. But then he doesn't get up the baby just cries and cries and so by then my milk is leaking and I may as well get up. Then this morning I had just gotten back into bed from the morning feeding and his alarm goes off. He snoozed it THREE FUCKING TIMES. I was ready to punch him in the face. He doesn't get up with the baby and then he won't let me get back to sleep. From then the baby was up every like 25 minutes, I just wanted to sleep so bad. The baby is crying I am crying, I told my 6 week old to shut up through my clenched teeth as I tried to push his pacifier into his crying mouth, oh my god I am awful.

He calls me and reads me the email they sent him from work. It was very understanding - we know you have a new baby, but if you could make it to NY it would be really good - So this is licence for Jon to freak out and read way into the email. So now jon is like, if I start backing out of trips, and I am not doing my job, they are going to fire me. Oh my god they are not going to fire you. They really like jon, if anything was funky, I am sure they would pull him aside and talk to him before they canned his ass. man he is driving me crazy.
Then he says well you know I am traveling in Feb. No, I fucking forgot. It is hanging over me like a wrecking ball. But this is the level of desperation people. I was thinking about FLYING TO GA to stay with my MIL while he was in Asia. Now there is a glimmer of hope that my mother may be able to fly out here. And that would be fucking delicious people. She is going to get back to me ASAP. I hope she can come. Otherwise I may really go to GA.

I feel like as asshole that I am scared to be left for 3 days along with my baby. But that is the way I feel,
I mean I have friends that I could call and ask to come over. And plenty of people have offered their help. I just have this phobia about asking for help. They could say no, you can't really rely on anyone but yourself and all that self serving shit. Ugh, Can you hear the desperation in my typing?

update:
As of 1:30 PST jon is leaving for NYC tomorrow. Let the freak out commence!