Hey cuz,
Jon isn't getting out of rehab until January. It sux, I know I should be happy he is in there and trying to turn his life around. But I am selfish and can't stand having to be a single parent.

We ended up going to my friends' brother's house for turkey day. E got to hang out with his best pal.
I can't believe Grammie didn't remember she had thanksgiving every year for like 25 years. My mom mentioned grammie has been extra forgetful lately.
Ended up spending e's birthday at rehab. That was fun, not! The inmates ate all the cupcakes!
Looks like we may go to tahoe for Xmas. Which in theory would be fun. I guess or better than sinking into a deep dark Yuletide depression ...
Nothing new to report. Jut the same general bullshit. Sorry it took me so long to respond. I am tired to the bone.
Kl

Husband company said they would pay him through November, just kidding! I believe I just made my last mortgage payment. Foreclosure here we come. I call my husband @ rehab and he is defensive... Then I cried cause my roomate was taking too long in the bathroom. FML.

Flooded

Why are the days after seeing jon so hard? E seems like an extra pill. I have no patience and am deeply offended by bad behavior. I was a bit of a bitch today...

Why can't I make my bed every day? I think b/c I honestly think, "perhaps...today... will be the day I get to go back to bed..." hi-larious

Then All of a Sudden, He Was Four.

I did not mean that as an ill to you, to fucking drunks (and drunk dads)

just got back from e's forth birthday at effin rehab. yeah, it was as sweet as it sounds, the inmates ate all the cupcakes...ugh.

Jon has been working out and doing yard work in the sun. He has a six pack!! he hasn't had one of those in like a decade...He looks fucking amazing! His skin looks glowing good, his hair is glossy. Ok, enough, I am salivating.

While Jon has been inside, I have lost some weight, got a fly hairs cut and sort of rehabilitated my eating habits.

My house is a mess, I can't get on top of anything (literally or figuratively.) Trying to keep doing the best I can. The day after T-day was a literal black Friday. I was a train wreck and I was so surprised!! I fear the holidays. All of them...
well thanksgiving and e's birthday are done. xmas, new years, and our anniversary to go...

sorry this just became a blog post.

Scary Tarot Reading (or does this apply perfectly to you too)

Your question: jon

moon (reversed) in the
Up and Coming position

stung or mislead by shattered reflection of one-of-your-kind, repulsed by weakness and shiny-happy-people, you abandon the vigil or cross the line but maintain the illusion of choice. Any wonder you turn growling resentment inside-outward or deny wellsprings of spontaneous feelings that simmer beneath the surface to go the twin extremes a half life Jekyll and Hyde like, until one doesn't even recognize the other in the mirror image. but it;s an unconvincing safe-haven to avoid becoming something you fear.


strength (upright)
Guidance position

It's OK to be afraid, but steady your nerves and do it anyway -and no regrets, because when such an intimate crisis exposes your own human frailty or the pose reaches its most difficult state of endurance is when the potential for personal triumph is greatest.

So fucking stupid:
So I wrote Jon a letter on Monday. It was me pretty much laying my guts on the line. He got it the next day. "I got your mail, it is hard to talk about I'll write you back. So I dutifully check the mail. By Friday I ask him if I should stop looking for a letter. He says no I am going to send it down with my
Mom and you'll get it Saturday just as if I mailed it." Big surprise no letter with mom. I start sobbing immediately. She says, "well his recovery comes first."
I know he lied to me about the letter, there is no letter. Right back to the old ways. "He is such a fucking liar", I sobbed and walked out.
I get it. It is all about him. It always will be. What the fuck am I doing?
I am trying to be zen about it. With all the chaos just do and the answer will present itself. I know I am not going to get served with anything I can't handle but we are getting pretty fucking close to critical mass.

Post #334

Fine for Now

There was time, it took time (impossible)
There is time, so much time
There is time, so much time

All the kids on the waterfront shyly raise their hands
Done asking for your permission, please understand

If we’re all faltering, how’d I help with that?
If it’s all or nothing, then let me go.

If we’re all faltering, why’d I help with that?
If it’s all or nothing then let me go.

There was time, it took time (impossible)
There is time, so much time
There is time, so much time

All the kids on the waterfront shyly raise their hands
Done asking for your permission, please understand

If we’re all faltering, how’d I help with that?

If it’s all or nothing then let me go
If it’s all or nothing then let me go

Turns out, the rehab place jon's at won't let you out around the holidays, so no daddy for Christmas. Awesomeness! If I go East for Xmas, there will be bums and junkies in my posh(ish) San Francisco pad. Ugh.

An Education may be a good movie. Maybe if it wasn't about a lying man who cheats on his wife, it wouldn't be so pertinent. I want my $13 bucks back :(

Went and saw Jon today for the first in three weeks. He asked me if I lost weight. Ummm. He told me he was going to be recomended to stay another 28 days. I was keeping my sanity by saying at least he'll be home for Thanksgiving, at least he'll be home for e's birthday.
Nope.
I have to pack up the house. I have to put it on the market.
Awesomeness.

Addiction is a narcisistic disease. No shit.

Was up at his rehab place all day. So angry. I shouted in group. Partners in recovery is the name of that group. Said fuck a whole bunch of times. Yelled and sobbed at Jon.
19 days sober. I am jealous of all his rehab friends. They get to see the real him. A Jon I wouldn't recognize. He gets to play daddy for an hour or two and introduce e to all his rehab buddies. No way. He fucked that up. Ugh.
Let it go.
Loving detachment for my qualifier. Love your addict but don't trust them.

Fuckity fuck.

Went to my first al-anon meeting today and sobbed all the way through it. It was in the Castro so there were a lot of the gays. I was recommended a womens meeting Monday night. I got a bunch of hugs. This rock star guy named Nikita hugged me for so long that I started sobbing again, and he hugged me more. It was a nice non judgemental space. The lexicon is weird. Going up to see Jon for the first time in three weeks tomorrow. I should be used to him being gone, being distant, but I miss him so much. I am in charge - I am making a choice. Not getting any easier anytime soon.

He came outside with his knives, two in one hand and the big one in the other. Went into the middle of the street and screamed who wants to fuck with me?
He runs down Fillmore. I follow yelling Jon stop, he whips his wedding ring and tells me to go and fuck myself. A funny guy walking behind him says "I think he wants you to go and fuck yourself." a girl says "I love you" to me.

I bump into the roomate. And he starts following Jon with me. I find him on the corner of church and duboce brandishing knives at strangers. He engages a man who starts using his bike like a lion tamer uses a chair to fend Jon off. I tried to get in the middle he shoves me down he shoves Jesse down. I call 911. I follow Jon from about a half block away till the cops pick him up at the end of Waller. He is sitting on the stoop in cuffs, he says, you should have called someone sooner. I told him to fuck off and walked away.
That was Tuesday.

Last night jon went to bed at 9:30. I watched the project runway I missed Thursday. Then the movie The Women was on hbo. Now the original of this movie was made in 1939 and stars one of my favorite movie stars, Norma Shearer. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0790454/bio
The new one stars Meg Ryan (bleck) and well all these stars. I watched the whole thing. Candice Bergen was super funny in it. And Annette Bennings played a better Samantha type character than Samantha (minus the slut factor). I don't know, the remake is stupid but I kinda feel like it was speaking to me. Probably b/c I am stupid.

Reading a "poem " that jon wrote (I am paraphrasing) 'pulling red hairs off my clothes I don't know who they belong to'

Cause his gf has red hair too, and that was where he "crashed out" Friday night.

My dh stayed out all night again last night. I asked him not to go as I was really looking forward to a nite in with him. And when I say ask I mean beg and sob and cry. So I went up to Walgreens. I came back and ran into Shea we had both had a few and got to talking Jon snuck out while I was gone. He left him with our iv drug user roomate. Then he never came home. I called his mom around 6 am or so absolutely hysterical. I texted jons friend several times. I gave the number to jon's mom. Jon calls me about 10:30 sat morning "I crashed out here I'll be home later." no apology.

He walked in around 11:40, and went to bed...where he is right now.

Cool.

So I followed jon to a party, I got to meet the crush. she is 10 years younger, red hair, freckled and skinny, oh well. I didn't have the courage to say anything. she wears a shit ton of make up and "she is not a coke head" says my dh.
If was a blind artist exhibit. WTF
I don't know what to do, suggestions welcome.
Jon was so Angry he said it was b/c I humiliated cause I pulled him away from his coke dealer. B/c in the past he has told me he doesn't trust himself to have his number. So I was "mama bearing" it up and protecting mine. I love that fool. I will fight for him. What do I need to do? Lose some weight? Watch more porn? My heart is breaking, we are not going to grow old together... Painful. Stupid ass.

Now he is saying I took everything out of context and I am crazy. Also he tried to force me to go to the hospital. Next time I am feeling suicidal I am just going to keep it to myself tillit passes. Jon just uses it against me.

Oh I Remember It Like It Was Yesterday

October 12, 2009, Columbus Day. The day we decided to end our marriage.

things were said that I have always suspected:
-You are holding me back.
-I am going to be the best designer in the world
-Yes I will pick my carear over my family.
-You are preventing me from doing my job. (he should be working till 8 pm every night and gone every weekend)
-I am not cut out to be a father.
- I was hoping that having a blood relation would make a difference, but it isn't in my nature.
- I want to be traveling 200 days a year.
- I won't contest you taking E back to Mass with you...

I really want to die. I mean obviously that isn't an option since I am the only one who cares about my son.

So I guess he came home eventually. I went to bed at 12:30. When he sauntered into my room @7. He apologized for not making me more aware of the anthropology party last night. Party was from 7-9 so of course he came in @ 3. He cannot stay awake for his family, but he can stay up for strangers. Who was he with? People. Wouldn't tell me who. For the second time in a week I was thinking I needed to call the hospitals. So stupid.

Fuckin fuck. What would Michelle Obama do?
Not this bullshit.

It is nearly 10pm. Jon was due home around 6:30. Hmmmmm. What to do?
-chumpy mchumperson.

I think I am cracking. However, I am also taking into account the following,
1. the date, aunt flo makes me fragile.
2. Working on day 7 of a cold. Lower back hurts. Nose congested amounts of snot I have swallowed, immeasurable.
3. Interrupted, anxiety fueled dream sleep- never all that restful.
4. Seriously considering moving back to the east coast.

All of these things coupled with despite the fact that jon is back. He is not here, literally or figuratively. I am a basket case well within reason.

I have been trying really hard to let go of my anger. I think instead I am just redirecting it. Away from the "guilty" party and back to me and e.

Last night when jon went to bed @7:00. E was screaming at me that he hates me and wants daddy. He was shrieking this app. 8 feet from where jon was sleeping. Does jon stir ? Sure does, and rolls over. I realize I was looking at the future as a single parent. I would be the one there every day. I would be the bad parent while jon gets to continue to be the slacker liar he is and as a bi-product, the hero.

Fml

So we are on day 5 of the jetlag. He comes home and is in bed within the hour. Then complains about being up at 5 in the morning. FYI he is the only person who has ever experienced jetlag. I have "no idea" what it is like. In the past 5 days, he has stayed out all night. I caught him drinking at 8 in the morning. And he lost yet another cell phone. Did I mention he was sent away from the dentist? I heard him bragging to the roomate, b/c he was too messed up. Basking in awesomeness.

Super shitty day in the shop. Made $7. If I was paying myself - less than a dollar an hour. I guess good thing we are already in the red.
In other news jon left for a two week Asia trip, see ya next month.
In other, other news I am still drinking a coffee that I bought at 10 this morning. It is rounding up on 6.
In conclusion, I think I am losing it, and by it - I mean everything I have held as truths.

So I just *listened* to Mr Brownstone, without the ears of a 10 year old. Mr Brownstone is not their landlord :p

This is what happens when you blog after you are woken up b/c you can't expect your husband to know how to work his alarm clock or shut it off. 5:30 argument. Awesome!!!

Ok so I was told to 'lower my expectations'. Apparently it is too much to expect that my husband would know /

I am obviously the stupidest person on the planet. Am I ever going to learn to stop being dissapointed with jon? I am let down so often, and I am not an optomistic person.

My dog is walking on three legs. I suspect my new roomate is an intravenous drug user. Good times for all!

It is so strange to have all these men in my life who think I am a mind reader, most notably my 3 y.o.

I am not.

Shoppe dog

This could be the resurection people

Shot of the shoppe

So if I am reading my iPhone right, this message will post to my blog. Testing.

Also I made some soup.

You Know You Should Stop Drinking pt 52

I was just so sure my ass looked slammin in these jeans. There are app 26 shots of various angles of my ass. I feel like I need to share with the world (hi both of you) what a complete asshole I am.

eff me

Told by my husband, "Of course I havemore fun without you", Check.

Accused by my SBF of hooking up with someone, as if I am not An invisible old ugly hag. Check.

Sobbing in shower. Check.

Piece of glass the size of and eyelash stuck in my foot that bled like shit and hurt alot. Check

Bus driver pulling away looking Me in the eye. Check.

It is 9:15am.

Running to bus but he stopped this time the tides are turning.

My first entry sent from my iPhone

Ok you'll have to forgive the weird wording, iPhones are not for the fat of fingers. Also apple seems sure to know exactly what your thinking and the don't always accept corrections. So the boy and i are on our anual east coast trip. It has been fun, really fun. Today is Tuesday I think. We arrived Saturday morning after a hellish trip. On my efforts to 'save time' I have really jacked myself up. Also I haven't bathed in a house since I left california. My parents live on a lake here and swimming is way better than standing in a boring old shower. Also I need my sweat and stink shell to protect myself from the masses.

I am back on my anti depressants, zoloft. It was really sketchy Here for a while. Hit a nasty bump in early may and was coersed back on them. But now I am calm to the point of indifference. I am inorgasmic, not that it matters. Except it kinda does. It is just a bummer what I have to trade off to not be totally mental. Just weird. I mean I guess it is a trade, apathy for agitation. The no orgasm thing couldbe from the perfectly legal prescription of Valium I aquired. Makes me sleepy and literally a million miles away. See normally I would be too embarrassed to talk about my orgasms let alone my inability to make a go of it. Yet here I am.

Aren't you glad I broke my silence for this oversharing post?

FML

I worked on Sunday, 11-7. I work every Sunday, around 5 I get a phone call from j.
-Can you come home?
-Why what is wrong?
-Umm...there is something I need to talk to you about.
-Well, what is it? you are freaking me out?
silence
-I found a condom wrapper...and I found some things you wrote...
-You found a condom wrapper huh? You found some things I wrote. So now you take an interest? Now you are going through my journal? Now you care about what I am doing?
-Well normally I wouldn't go through your stuff and I found all these pages and I just wanted to know what was going on (trails off)
-Whatever, I did not have sex with him, if that is what you want me to come home for then that is silly. I will see you at 7:30 when I get off.

The "condom wrapper" he found was the ripped off bit of one of those packets of flower food that comes when you buy flowers, he "found" it on the fucking kitchen table, next to the irises I had bought for my fucking self.

Jon then ACCUSES me off having condoms in my room. Ummm, I am married, I hear, in some marriages sex even occurs.

It is stupid on so many levels I don't even want to address it or discuss it. Things are just devolving.

I have taken to writing some of my more erotic fantasies/dreams, (this is what he "found" in my drawer next to my bed) -They don't involve my husband. I am sure it would be easier to take if it was about someone else, someone I didn't see, Drew Carey perhaps but it wasn't. I am thinking I may put it up here, see if I can't get any feedback. It has been a long time people...

Anyway it is forbidden to have guests when j is gone. This has to be the worst "love triangle" ever. How am I really still not having sex with anyone?

FML.

keep 'em coming

So it has been a particularly shitty couple of weeks. Even more so than usual. And I can be all cavalier about it now, but on Tuesday I was sobbing into the phone to my old old shrink. This would be the same shrink who a) saved my life, b) who I have not spoken to since I blew off several appointments in SEPTEMBER 2007. It was/is desperate times. Jon was talking about having me committed either with my permission or not. I guess I am in a bad place. I do not want to be anywhere.
Before I knew I was suicidal and if I didn't "protect" myself I wasn't going to survive. Now I am more passive. I don't have a plan. I don't have the anxiety that makes me want to off myself. I just want to be gone. I don't want to be at work. I don't want to be with Jon, like at all. I have started calling him POTP*. Like, "POTP can you bring me some toilet paper?"
So last night I sat in my shrinks office with jon and was told I was broken. Told that I had a disease that I can't manage on my own. The reality is that I need to take antidepressants to tolerate life. The reality I am not going to be able to have any more children. I cannot handle what I have. I refuse to get pregnant while on SSRI's and this has nothing to do with the effects on the fetus (well something to do but that is not the main reason) How could I introduce another child to this life? To an unstable mother.
Example: I was checking the dog for fleas (i saw something suspicious) the dog got pissy, growled and snapped at me, trying to bite me. I LOST IT. I screeched at the dog and hit him, he got so scared he pissed. There was no warning, no building just one second concerned dog owner, the next second insane banshee woman full of regrets. Of course when I saw I scared the dog so much he peed. I cried and cried and E was looking at my hands looking for the blood saying, "it's ok mommy, it's ok."
I know it is not ok. If anyone ever told me they hit their dog and made it pee I would HATE that person. I would think what a terrible small horrible person. That person should be punished, their animals removed from the house. Perhaps I would push for incaceration to such a fucked up person. I would certainly not leave my CHILD with this awful person, they can't be trusted with a dog. I wouldn't want that nut job raising a child for sure...
But - it is me. Obviously, I have no choice. I am a danger to myself and my family. I have given up and thrown in the towel, again.
I cannot handle the truth, so I'll settle for shades of grey.



*POTP - Part of the Problem

Happy New Year 2009

Well, things have been happening. But if you were like, hey dude, what's new? I would say, oh you know same old. Because you don't really want to know...

But as a polite response, I will report the obvious.

I got a job. In a bookstore. How much do I love it? I am splitting my head like a cracked coconut with all the new information I am acquiring. I love it for 2 major reasons.
1. It is an independent bookseller, in a nice neighborhood with an intelligent, savvy, customer base.
2. I am so not with husband and the boy. Absence truly does make the heart grow fonder...till I am home with them and wishing I was anywhere but.

Thing I loathe about the job -
WAGE. I am just not sure it is sustainable.

Part where I catch up:
I had my brothers here for visits at different times for most of November.
Christmas was very quiet - just us.
It has been raining for weeks.
My MIL arrives on Thursday for a 5 day trip.
I am terrified of this trip. Apparently, my husband has been using his mother as his confidant for all the troubles he has endured with his crazy wife. I spoke with her today and she kept saying things like, ohhhhh I know all about that -when I thought I was dropping bombshells on her. I think she may have actually said, I know a lot more than you think. But I was crying and bitching. It was probably really stupid to call her. I was so pissed at husband. I didn't feel like I could call my mom or any of my friends. I wanted to call someone that would stand up for him.
What is wrong with me?
Anyhoo, I am pretty much positive we are looking at an intervention. Either we are going to have to have something with my husband or I am walking into another anti-depressant ultimatum.
Good Times.

Reading:
The Center Cannot Hold

Listening to (like it is the soundtrack to my life):
Panda Bear, Person Pitch.