Making a Silk Purse Out of a Sow's Ear.

So here is the picture of the worst ruined little baby item. And that is after an overnight soak with Tide, bleach and hydrogen peroxide. Oh well. Maybe I can dye it later.
Also since his little onsies were all grey and blueish. I figured I would further customize them! I am sure that I could be cruising for a lawsuit if the wrong people saw these. But maybe not, since I don't plan on selling them or anything.
They came out so cute though. I would be lying if I said I was not highly pleased by them. We like Miffy.

Oh and not the size of a whale? I do declare...

Happy Halloween Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

So this weekend we went (along with the rest of San Francisco) to the Hunter's Point Ship yard Open Studios. It was pretty cool. We bought a book for #1, and got it signed by the artist.
The art was cool. A lot of the artists put out little spreads and stuff so I basically ate my way through open studios. Especially mini snickers and 3 3 Musketeers®. YUM, I love candy!
Then we came home and did some home improvement. We hung up my pictures. So now my apt is covered in my own art. Does it get vainer than that?

Jon put some wire baskets in the closet and we actually got rid of one of our last packing boxes. Yes we moved a year and a half ago so what? You wanna fight about it? I got to revisit a bunch of clothes that I won't be able to wear for a long time. Sigh...

We dressed Motu up for Halloween. He was humiliated and it was so cute...

meltdown #17

I am the size of a whale.

I just washed a load of the baby's clothing. Something bleed and now everything that was fresh and white is blueish or greyish.
I wish I could say that I was not extremely distraught, because that is foolish, who cares if his cute little onesies are now dingy looking? He won't know the difference.
I feel like I am already failing as a mother. I can't even wash fucking clothes.

Jon is in Minneapolis and I was very upset when he called. He had obviously been drinking and that just annoyed me more. I don't know why, I mean he is a grown up and should be able to drink if he wants to. But his response is, "Don't worry about it, we can just buy more." He has no idea that some of these items were gifts or that his next two paychecks are already spent. As in - Gone. He is the breadwinner but he has no idea about our $$$ situation.

I think Motu has an ear infection because he keeps scratching it and it smells sweet. On the upside I have been taking cold-liver oil for #1's brain, and Motu likes the pills so I give him one too. His coat has never been so gleaming. People remark about it all the time.

Also I have heart burn.
Ugh I really can't deal.

oh yeah, no problem at all adjusting...

who's crib?

yeah this is going to be an easy transition-
poor litttle bastard isn't going to know what hit him...

To Doula or not to Doula

So yesterday I went to this place because they are a really good doula resource apparently. I really didn't know what to think. I knew there would be binders where doulas wrote down their experience and training and shit. And I was guess I would learn a little more about fees. I am not sure what I expected in the fee department. I know that I didn't expect to see prices that ranged from $800-$1800 smackers. I think I gasped a loud. That seems like an assload of money. So basically I am rethinking the doula thing right now. I mean, a thousand bucks? I could get the drugs, since insurance covers that but not the doula, and then go to Palm Springs or Tahoe with the baby and have a nice little vacation and try to deal with my disappointment.

My friend had a baby in the same place we are having #1. She got her bill it was close to $40,000 to have her baby! holy fucking shit people.

We set up the crib last night. It is the cutest thing. I had no idea the profound effect seeing the crib would have. I put all his little toys in there. Don't worry - I know, no toys in the crib, he could jam them in his mouth and suffocate. But they look so cute in there...for now.

More Photos

Here are the photos from my open studio.

I didn't have to get my anus swabbed today

So that is always a good thing. We won't do the group B strep test until my next appointment.

We had a different midwife today. She was really cool she turned out to be my med student's (see how she is "my med student") instructor. So the med student, Courtney, got to feel where the baby was. My med student Courtney (mmsC) is so super sweet and like a little bundle of energy. She also is the oldest of 2 brothers and one of them is named Kevin. Isn't that weird?

My weight is an enormous 204 but hey I am growin' a baby in here, and he likes them chocolate chip cookies!
So #1 is head down and back up. So he is probably kneeing me in the rib cage, and that is the source of tenderness.

I am coming out about wanting to have this baby naturally. I was a little timid feeling that if I was all "I am woman hear me roar and I am doing it without drugs." And then afterwards had to confess that during labor I totally wussed out and in fact I had all manner of drugs I could get in my body, I would be disappointed with myself and as a result my huge blog fan base would also be disappointed with me. But there I said it. I am committed to trying to do this naturally. I know you are shaking your head and saying "we'll see sister."
I am even considering having a doula. (that is how much of a hippie I am!) A doula is basically a birth coach. And according to this article is more beneficial to the mother and baby. I love jon dearly, but I know that if I am in pain and begging for drugs jon is going to cave. However, if there is someone there that we both trust who is like well, kristen why don't we get in the shower, or just get through this contraction then we can talk. The chances of my doing this sans drugs through the transitional phases is much more likely.

So we have to really decide about the birth plan and asking them not to offer me drugs. I have always had terrible willpower about being offered drugs and being unable to say no.

Also who knew there was this huge debate about vitamin K which is routinely given to all new borns at birth. Do I need to tell you that I think we are not going to let anyone stick #1. Especially unnecessarily...

Here I Go Again

So I had a lovely visit with Sarah. It was too short and that is always the mark of a wonderful time - the guest leaves you wishing they were staying longer.

I started battling a cold on Thursday. So I have been feeling crabby and shitty lately which put me in a great mind set for my "art show."

Which was this weekend. It was a rousing failure. But you know what- I put my shit out there and so whatever. It was a little vanity project for me, but sometimes you need that. I will post pictures at a later time. I had to stand for several hours for two days in a row. So now I am lame and achey as shit. I am even thinking of bailing on yoga today. But I will probably go. I mean all we do is "cat" "cow" anyway. My feet are flat. But the woman I did this little show with sold all kinds of stuff (well 3 items) and I was trying not to be jealous but I was.

I have a midwife appointment tomorrow. Does anyone want to play guess my weight? I am guessing 207. jon won't play, he is so smart.

And I have acquired a first-year med student who is participating in this "You teach" program (I am birthing at a teaching hospital). In which I get to teach her. Isn't that wonderful? She is a baby, 22. But she will one day be a Dr. And that is cool. So I get to meet her tomorrow. She sounded as cute as a button on the phone. I hope she is. Because I am going to have to look at her for all the rest of my appointments and she is going to be in the delivery room if I want her there.

Tonight is a full moon. I am going to take my camera out, if I can remember. It has been unspeakably beautiful the last few nights.

yeah I know boring.

Columbus Day, what exactly are we celebrating again??

So I went to the acupuncture Friday. All the other clients were men with various stages of HIV. I guess it was cool (the acupuncture, not the dudes with HIV, that didn't look right). I don't know if I would go back.
I mean I am pregnant, my lower back is just going to hurt, I should just deal. Afterwards I was like, so I just paid $60 bucks for what? To sleep and keep waking myself up with my own snoring? So that was that.

My dear friend Sarah is coming in to visit tomorrow for a few days. I am so excited to have a little friend come and visit. She is flying down from Oregon. I am a little worries I am going to be a giant bore. I get tired so easily and can't really walk too much without becoming a doddering old woman who groans when getting up or sitting down.

We went and saw Corpse Bride yesterday. The animation was stupendous, the story, well, ehh.

I also bought tons of frames for my arts - they look so fancy. I feel like I will be considerably less embarrassed this weekend. I am going to try to get a couple more pieces done before Saturday. We'll see.

I know Perineal Massages are supposed to be very helpful. But good lord they sound scary. I don't think I could possibly get my fingers in "deep" like they suggest, I am having trouble wiping my ass.

When I go to the Midwife next week I am going to have to be tested for Group B Strep. It sounds gross.
I hope I don't have it.
They refuse to mention where it comes from...

I had a dream that Jon confessed to going to a prostitute while he was traveling. It was a mighty blow to my bloated body and ego even in dream form.
14.29 Stones of fatitude.

Scary outfit

So I know the face looks scary there. But trust me it is better than my actual face that has morphed into a fat blob of dough. It is abhorrent to me, I feel like crying.
However the point of this entry is to illustrate the problem with maternity clothes. If you notice I am wearing some chartreuse pants. With a striped polo shirt and my gross Birkenstocks actually match the color of my pants.
Now I am not sure if the problem is that I am wearing the pants, they there were ever made or that I bought them. Who cares if they were 5.99 at Old Navy there is a reason for that!
Also, none of my pants actually go to the floor. They are all "cropped" because you want to show off your canckles apparently?
So I am dressed like an Easter egg. Or a child.
Is there anywhere to buy cute maternity clothes that are not costly?
I guess an H&M is finally opening here at the end of October. Whatever.
I don't care if I am having a baby I am a fat cow and I look ugly. There is no "glowing" here.

I went and got acupuncture today but I am in too crappy a mood to discuss now. And also I was dressed like this. This is a legitimate outfit for me. I ain't in NYC anymore baby!

Hormonal Dreams

So J and I were living in this tiny little studio apartment. We were POOR. Like we were always hungry and trying to scrape enough money to buy rice and shit.
It seemed like J's birth father lived with us. He was this old Asian dude who I guess didn't speak. He would dance with me and he cooked rice.
My mom was there too and she was playing with "the baby" however "the baby" was one of those toys that was made of plastic and crawled and then turned its head to one side cried and then crawled some more. Actually very similar to this.
Everyone seemed to be fine with pretending it was the baby. Ooing and aughing over it.

Nutter Butters Rule!

Too Many Things

Does this ever happen to you? You have like 40 things you would like to do, and yet you find yourself writing book reviews for Amazon

I woke up feeling a little under the weather today - but that is neither here nor there.

I am doing this SF Open Studio thing the second weekend in October. I am going to display my pastels. Most of which are posted on my flickr account. So I have been working feverishly to try to make some stuff look presentable and not totally embarrassing. But of course I am feeling nervous and stuff. Oh my god people are going to look at my stuff. I mean there is a serious likelihood that no one will show up. The woman I am doing this with thinks we need to price our stuff. Umm I don't think so. If anyone actually wants to live with any of my stuff I would be really pleased and may just give it to them...Except then not.

I don't know. SO I am nervous about that and as a result instead of getting my shit ready to frame or whatever. I am knitting and reading and messing around.
But I finished the scarf I made for my MIL and a little hat that I made for #1 but it looks really big. Although if you look at his daddy he is probably going to have a big head but hopefully not that big.
I'll post pictures in a bit to procrastinate further...

Friendship Breakup

Breaking up with friends is weird. When your friends try to get back together with you it is even weirder. Allow me to share a little story with you, and by little I mean long and drawn out and potentially boring.
In high school I had this friend, let us call her Joy for argument's sake. We were all friends, we hung out and participated in self-destructive teenage girl behavior. In 8th grade or so (I am a little foggy about the specifics of the relationship)she started dating this senior. Now this sounds cool. But in fact it was not. This guy was NOT cool and well he was grey(and he was way into Star Trek TNG). However she did get to go to the senior prom in 8th grade.
So I don't know, maybe they dated for a while, then stopped.
Somewhere along the way, Joy got forbidden to hang out with us (because of afore mentioned self destructive behavior) and turned back to the "chorus people" and back to the grey man.
So I don't know - flash forward to college and she moved to Boston for a while. I am not really sure what happened here, I know she "spread her wings a little bit." But then she left Boston after a year and returned home. Got re-attached to the man o' grey. And was engaged at 19 or 20. They got married a couple of months after she graduated from college. And she is 29 now with a kid in kindergarten.
So that is that for the backstory,
Now let me take you to last summer.
Jon and I had a little BBQ to send ourselves off to California. Joy, husband and kid come. She has told me in not so many words that she wished she had waited to get married and have kids and I am sure (IMHO) she is a woman who lives with many regrets. I may be wrong but that is kinda what I get from her. Also her husband is Creepy. Yes with a capital C.
So that was the last time we saw her. When we moved out here I sent out change of address cards and shit. I prefer to communicate through email. I don't like the phone. I know I put my email on the COA card. I didn't hear from them, ok whatever. I send them a holiday card and tell them about Maria's baby and stuff. Nothing. So I am like fuck 'em.
When jon and I were home and we had our little baby shower many people asked where Joy was because she was sort of a fixture at those MA things. I guess we had a falling out, I said. Fine. I mean, you know, you grow out of people at some point, maybe. I wasn't losing sleep over it.
So then maybe 2 weeks ago, I get a phone call from the husband. Thank God I am psycho and screen all my calls. He says they moved into a new house and wanted to make sure we had the info, and to call him back, yeah, um no.
Then this week I get a card from Joy, in the mail. And it is like this "I'm-sorry-we-broke-up" card. It shows two little cartoon figures fuming at each other and then the next one apologizing and a "let's be friends again" inside. And saying that Maria's baby must be big by now.
I am torn how to reply.
At this point I feel like they missed too much. Also at no point was I aware we were fighting. I don't want to tell them about the babies mine or Maria's 2. I don't feel like they deserve to know. Isn't that shitty and selfish of me?
I could respond and be like,
"hey guys I wish nothing but the best for you and your family, but let's not kid ourselves. There is no friendship here. Take care of yourself and be happy and well"

Then the other part of me wants to just ignore it and pretend we moved.

I guess I really don't want anything to do with them anymore. I mean history can only go so far and they both have a selective memory about things. And I think one of the reasons Creepy wants to be friends is that he thinks we will be swinging with them at some point. Excuse me while I barf.

So I don't know. Does anyone have any advice or any similar experience. I think by my inaction I have already decided.

Why do I even care?