List the five most character-defining things that have happened to me in my life.
#1. Having E. Yeah yeah nothing galvanizes you as a person like having a kid, blah blah blah.
#2. Being hospitalized for depression after E was born. I am a much more empathetic person because of the pain I experienced.
#3. Going for my Masters 2003-2005.
Realizing, hey yeah, if I do put my mind to it, I really can do anything.
#4. Moving to NYC in 1999. Bravery. Moving there with no $$, no job, no place to live. That takes balls, maybe stupid balls that only 22 y.o. have.
#5. Meeting and eventually marrying my other half. Lucky in Luck.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
The Dawn of Day Three of Ten
So last night, after 6pm, E and I went to walk the dog. We ended up at a sketchy playground that E loves. I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS do a sweep of a new park. I check under the structures for needles and inside any enclosed areas for gross stuff. But I had the dog and he isn't supposed to be in the play area and so I yelled at E to do a quick circuit so we could look at the community garden.
E went headfirst down the tunnel slide and started screaching. That 1.7 seconds that it took me to cross the sand to him, I realized I didn't have my phone to call 911. He sounded really hurt, that scary cry that makes you sweat and run.
Thankfully he had only slid, hands and chest first into human shit. That is right, someone deficated on the slide and my son slid right into it. I was so mad at myself. I mean, this is not the first time someone has shit in a slide/tunnel in a playground. This is what happens in a city that hates children and homeless, they turn on each other. I can't believe I let that happen. I always check, why didn't I this time?
I ran home with him after I pulled off all his piss and shit covered clothes. I threw his clothes in the washing machine and shoved him in the bath. Poor E is so used to me being mad at me that he kept saying he was sorry, and then asking me if I was happy.
By bedtime I was extra wrecked. I just didn't want to fight. So at 8 pm exactly, I just set him up in my bed with all his stuff. I must have fallen asleep 40 times just to be woken up by his movements and singing. At 9 i just freaked out. I started crying and ranting like a lunatic. I put him in his room, put his lamp on and shut both the doors. Earlier that day at Target, I bought some of those "safety door" things to keep him in his room.
Then of course I was too geared up to get to sleep so I went and partook of my newest guilty pleasure, CSI.
E went headfirst down the tunnel slide and started screaching. That 1.7 seconds that it took me to cross the sand to him, I realized I didn't have my phone to call 911. He sounded really hurt, that scary cry that makes you sweat and run.
Thankfully he had only slid, hands and chest first into human shit. That is right, someone deficated on the slide and my son slid right into it. I was so mad at myself. I mean, this is not the first time someone has shit in a slide/tunnel in a playground. This is what happens in a city that hates children and homeless, they turn on each other. I can't believe I let that happen. I always check, why didn't I this time?
I ran home with him after I pulled off all his piss and shit covered clothes. I threw his clothes in the washing machine and shoved him in the bath. Poor E is so used to me being mad at me that he kept saying he was sorry, and then asking me if I was happy.
By bedtime I was extra wrecked. I just didn't want to fight. So at 8 pm exactly, I just set him up in my bed with all his stuff. I must have fallen asleep 40 times just to be woken up by his movements and singing. At 9 i just freaked out. I started crying and ranting like a lunatic. I put him in his room, put his lamp on and shut both the doors. Earlier that day at Target, I bought some of those "safety door" things to keep him in his room.
Then of course I was too geared up to get to sleep so I went and partook of my newest guilty pleasure, CSI.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Day 2 of 10
So we have been having a really really hard time getting E to bed. Like really hard. As in Saturday night, I ended up slapping him and then sobbing outside into the warm night air. I know, I am a monster. How could a two year old get me to that level?
'Bedtime' started at 7:45. It was after 10 that I lost it and slapped him. It was after hours of trying to be reasonable, negotiating, and threatening. In the end hitting did nothing but demonstrate my utter lack of control and his success in working me up into a lather. It also didn't 'scare him' into submission.
Sunday j left for Beijing. Last night I tried to reason with him. Bedtime started at 7:30 pm with a calming bath, no tv, and several stories. I left his lamp on in his room. Because it was "too darky." Then we tried sleeping in 'Mommy's crib.' After 40 minutes of that failing I put him back in his room, with the lamp on. He still came out. My blood was boiling. At 10pm I totally lost it. I couldn't even trust myself to put him back in his crib. I just screamed him back to bed, soothing no? I shut off the light and locked the door. He screamed and banged at the door for 10 minutes. I am surprised my neighbors didn't call the cops. Because 10 minutes of toddler shrieking is pretty alarming.
He was up at 4 because he 'had to poop'. He didn't.
Of course I had to stay up until midnight just to try to capture some time for me. Margot at the Wedding was a pretty good movie. I heart Jennifer Jason Leigh, she is so beautiful.
I have also put a no-call gag on J. I hate talking to him while he is traveling. All he does is complain, all I do is complain. Of course he called today, yes after I reiterated what I needed from him several times, big surprise, it fell on deaf ears. So I let E talk to him and then pretty much hung up on him. Things have been EXTREMELY strained with J. As in we haven't been sleeping in the same room. I have such incredible resentment for him. I can't stand being in the same room with him. I can't stand the way he smells, the noises he makes while he sleeps, the way he talks to the dog. All of his actions seem to highlight all the things about him that make me crazy. I am in a pretty bad funk about it. Aside from the two hours of relief i get from E in the evening, I am actually glad he is gone. I am making the dog sleep out of the room. If only I could paralyze the cats from 8pm-8am, then I wouldn't have been woken up by them.
Everyone is afraid of me, the dog is running around with his butt tucked and his ears back. E has taken to yelling his needs at me since clearly it is the only way I can communicate.
'Bedtime' started at 7:45. It was after 10 that I lost it and slapped him. It was after hours of trying to be reasonable, negotiating, and threatening. In the end hitting did nothing but demonstrate my utter lack of control and his success in working me up into a lather. It also didn't 'scare him' into submission.
Sunday j left for Beijing. Last night I tried to reason with him. Bedtime started at 7:30 pm with a calming bath, no tv, and several stories. I left his lamp on in his room. Because it was "too darky." Then we tried sleeping in 'Mommy's crib.' After 40 minutes of that failing I put him back in his room, with the lamp on. He still came out. My blood was boiling. At 10pm I totally lost it. I couldn't even trust myself to put him back in his crib. I just screamed him back to bed, soothing no? I shut off the light and locked the door. He screamed and banged at the door for 10 minutes. I am surprised my neighbors didn't call the cops. Because 10 minutes of toddler shrieking is pretty alarming.
He was up at 4 because he 'had to poop'. He didn't.
Of course I had to stay up until midnight just to try to capture some time for me. Margot at the Wedding was a pretty good movie. I heart Jennifer Jason Leigh, she is so beautiful.
I have also put a no-call gag on J. I hate talking to him while he is traveling. All he does is complain, all I do is complain. Of course he called today, yes after I reiterated what I needed from him several times, big surprise, it fell on deaf ears. So I let E talk to him and then pretty much hung up on him. Things have been EXTREMELY strained with J. As in we haven't been sleeping in the same room. I have such incredible resentment for him. I can't stand being in the same room with him. I can't stand the way he smells, the noises he makes while he sleeps, the way he talks to the dog. All of his actions seem to highlight all the things about him that make me crazy. I am in a pretty bad funk about it. Aside from the two hours of relief i get from E in the evening, I am actually glad he is gone. I am making the dog sleep out of the room. If only I could paralyze the cats from 8pm-8am, then I wouldn't have been woken up by them.
Everyone is afraid of me, the dog is running around with his butt tucked and his ears back. E has taken to yelling his needs at me since clearly it is the only way I can communicate.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
She said while washing her son's bedroll...
Bragging will get you every time.
So my MIL was here for my birthday. How rude of me I should say for her anniversary, because I can't even have my birthday. I COULD NOT have asked for a better present. (Except for the Diane von Furstenberg dress that I bought myself at the sample sale in NYC for an absurd discount.)
It was awkward. My relationship with my MIL is the most troubling one in my life. I can't say anything to her. Literally because I am a scardy-cat that avoids any type of confrontation, and it doesn't matter what I say she has a wicked case of selective hearing. J says I should write her a letter. But what tell her? to fuck off, I want nothing to do with her? I accept she is my son's grandmother and I don't want to get in the way of that relationship, however, she is detrimental to my psyche.
I also have built up a ton of resentment to J for not taking the reins, and steering his mother away from me. He keeps defending her and alienating me by doing so. He just doesn't get it.
Things have been really strained between us. Neither of us are being kind to each other and I am not sure that we care.
Yesterday she asked j, on the phone, and she talks loud enough that I can hear her from across the room, 'if didn't he think we should try going back to marriage counseling.' We should go to marriage counseling because I can't stand her meddling busy-bodyness?
I don't think I should have to deal with her at all. If she wants updates or photos she can contact her son. I will be nothing but cordial to her if we need to interact because of E. I have no idea what J is telling her, he says nothing.
J is leaving on the 22nd. He doesn't come back until july 2nd. So there is a lot of resentment there, and separation anxiety. My brother is going to come out and visit for 5 days.
His family is such a drain. I mean even if he didn't like my family, which is not the case, what is not to love? My parents don't call him. My dad doesn't call him and keep him on the phone for 45 minutes crying. My mother doesn't start every comment with, 'you know what you should do...'
and then ask why j is being so unreasonable.
So my MIL was here for my birthday. How rude of me I should say for her anniversary, because I can't even have my birthday. I COULD NOT have asked for a better present. (Except for the Diane von Furstenberg dress that I bought myself at the sample sale in NYC for an absurd discount.)
It was awkward. My relationship with my MIL is the most troubling one in my life. I can't say anything to her. Literally because I am a scardy-cat that avoids any type of confrontation, and it doesn't matter what I say she has a wicked case of selective hearing. J says I should write her a letter. But what tell her? to fuck off, I want nothing to do with her? I accept she is my son's grandmother and I don't want to get in the way of that relationship, however, she is detrimental to my psyche.
I also have built up a ton of resentment to J for not taking the reins, and steering his mother away from me. He keeps defending her and alienating me by doing so. He just doesn't get it.
Things have been really strained between us. Neither of us are being kind to each other and I am not sure that we care.
Yesterday she asked j, on the phone, and she talks loud enough that I can hear her from across the room, 'if didn't he think we should try going back to marriage counseling.' We should go to marriage counseling because I can't stand her meddling busy-bodyness?
I don't think I should have to deal with her at all. If she wants updates or photos she can contact her son. I will be nothing but cordial to her if we need to interact because of E. I have no idea what J is telling her, he says nothing.
J is leaving on the 22nd. He doesn't come back until july 2nd. So there is a lot of resentment there, and separation anxiety. My brother is going to come out and visit for 5 days.
His family is such a drain. I mean even if he didn't like my family, which is not the case, what is not to love? My parents don't call him. My dad doesn't call him and keep him on the phone for 45 minutes crying. My mother doesn't start every comment with, 'you know what you should do...'
and then ask why j is being so unreasonable.
Monday, June 09, 2008
In Case You Didn't Know
When all you feed your kid is licorice twislers, their poop is green. Straight-up, incredible-hulk, GREEN.
Also, fully potty trained, no diapers at night, f*n toilet trained. He turned two and a half May 29th.
Also, fully potty trained, no diapers at night, f*n toilet trained. He turned two and a half May 29th.
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