He came outside with his knives, two in one hand and the big one in the other. Went into the middle of the street and screamed who wants to fuck with me?
He runs down Fillmore. I follow yelling Jon stop, he whips his wedding ring and tells me to go and fuck myself. A funny guy walking behind him says "I think he wants you to go and fuck yourself." a girl says "I love you" to me.

I bump into the roomate. And he starts following Jon with me. I find him on the corner of church and duboce brandishing knives at strangers. He engages a man who starts using his bike like a lion tamer uses a chair to fend Jon off. I tried to get in the middle he shoves me down he shoves Jesse down. I call 911. I follow Jon from about a half block away till the cops pick him up at the end of Waller. He is sitting on the stoop in cuffs, he says, you should have called someone sooner. I told him to fuck off and walked away.
That was Tuesday.

Last night jon went to bed at 9:30. I watched the project runway I missed Thursday. Then the movie The Women was on hbo. Now the original of this movie was made in 1939 and stars one of my favorite movie stars, Norma Shearer. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0790454/bio
The new one stars Meg Ryan (bleck) and well all these stars. I watched the whole thing. Candice Bergen was super funny in it. And Annette Bennings played a better Samantha type character than Samantha (minus the slut factor). I don't know, the remake is stupid but I kinda feel like it was speaking to me. Probably b/c I am stupid.

Reading a "poem " that jon wrote (I am paraphrasing) 'pulling red hairs off my clothes I don't know who they belong to'

Cause his gf has red hair too, and that was where he "crashed out" Friday night.

My dh stayed out all night again last night. I asked him not to go as I was really looking forward to a nite in with him. And when I say ask I mean beg and sob and cry. So I went up to Walgreens. I came back and ran into Shea we had both had a few and got to talking Jon snuck out while I was gone. He left him with our iv drug user roomate. Then he never came home. I called his mom around 6 am or so absolutely hysterical. I texted jons friend several times. I gave the number to jon's mom. Jon calls me about 10:30 sat morning "I crashed out here I'll be home later." no apology.

He walked in around 11:40, and went to bed...where he is right now.

Cool.

So I followed jon to a party, I got to meet the crush. she is 10 years younger, red hair, freckled and skinny, oh well. I didn't have the courage to say anything. she wears a shit ton of make up and "she is not a coke head" says my dh.
If was a blind artist exhibit. WTF
I don't know what to do, suggestions welcome.
Jon was so Angry he said it was b/c I humiliated cause I pulled him away from his coke dealer. B/c in the past he has told me he doesn't trust himself to have his number. So I was "mama bearing" it up and protecting mine. I love that fool. I will fight for him. What do I need to do? Lose some weight? Watch more porn? My heart is breaking, we are not going to grow old together... Painful. Stupid ass.

Now he is saying I took everything out of context and I am crazy. Also he tried to force me to go to the hospital. Next time I am feeling suicidal I am just going to keep it to myself tillit passes. Jon just uses it against me.

Oh I Remember It Like It Was Yesterday

October 12, 2009, Columbus Day. The day we decided to end our marriage.

things were said that I have always suspected:
-You are holding me back.
-I am going to be the best designer in the world
-Yes I will pick my carear over my family.
-You are preventing me from doing my job. (he should be working till 8 pm every night and gone every weekend)
-I am not cut out to be a father.
- I was hoping that having a blood relation would make a difference, but it isn't in my nature.
- I want to be traveling 200 days a year.
- I won't contest you taking E back to Mass with you...

I really want to die. I mean obviously that isn't an option since I am the only one who cares about my son.

So I guess he came home eventually. I went to bed at 12:30. When he sauntered into my room @7. He apologized for not making me more aware of the anthropology party last night. Party was from 7-9 so of course he came in @ 3. He cannot stay awake for his family, but he can stay up for strangers. Who was he with? People. Wouldn't tell me who. For the second time in a week I was thinking I needed to call the hospitals. So stupid.

Fuckin fuck. What would Michelle Obama do?
Not this bullshit.

It is nearly 10pm. Jon was due home around 6:30. Hmmmmm. What to do?
-chumpy mchumperson.

I think I am cracking. However, I am also taking into account the following,
1. the date, aunt flo makes me fragile.
2. Working on day 7 of a cold. Lower back hurts. Nose congested amounts of snot I have swallowed, immeasurable.
3. Interrupted, anxiety fueled dream sleep- never all that restful.
4. Seriously considering moving back to the east coast.

All of these things coupled with despite the fact that jon is back. He is not here, literally or figuratively. I am a basket case well within reason.

I have been trying really hard to let go of my anger. I think instead I am just redirecting it. Away from the "guilty" party and back to me and e.

Last night when jon went to bed @7:00. E was screaming at me that he hates me and wants daddy. He was shrieking this app. 8 feet from where jon was sleeping. Does jon stir ? Sure does, and rolls over. I realize I was looking at the future as a single parent. I would be the one there every day. I would be the bad parent while jon gets to continue to be the slacker liar he is and as a bi-product, the hero.

Fml

So we are on day 5 of the jetlag. He comes home and is in bed within the hour. Then complains about being up at 5 in the morning. FYI he is the only person who has ever experienced jetlag. I have "no idea" what it is like. In the past 5 days, he has stayed out all night. I caught him drinking at 8 in the morning. And he lost yet another cell phone. Did I mention he was sent away from the dentist? I heard him bragging to the roomate, b/c he was too messed up. Basking in awesomeness.