Flooded

Why are the days after seeing jon so hard? E seems like an extra pill. I have no patience and am deeply offended by bad behavior. I was a bit of a bitch today...

Why can't I make my bed every day? I think b/c I honestly think, "perhaps...today... will be the day I get to go back to bed..." hi-larious

Then All of a Sudden, He Was Four.

I did not mean that as an ill to you, to fucking drunks (and drunk dads)

just got back from e's forth birthday at effin rehab. yeah, it was as sweet as it sounds, the inmates ate all the cupcakes...ugh.

Jon has been working out and doing yard work in the sun. He has a six pack!! he hasn't had one of those in like a decade...He looks fucking amazing! His skin looks glowing good, his hair is glossy. Ok, enough, I am salivating.

While Jon has been inside, I have lost some weight, got a fly hairs cut and sort of rehabilitated my eating habits.

My house is a mess, I can't get on top of anything (literally or figuratively.) Trying to keep doing the best I can. The day after T-day was a literal black Friday. I was a train wreck and I was so surprised!! I fear the holidays. All of them...
well thanksgiving and e's birthday are done. xmas, new years, and our anniversary to go...

sorry this just became a blog post.

Scary Tarot Reading (or does this apply perfectly to you too)

Your question: jon

moon (reversed) in the
Up and Coming position

stung or mislead by shattered reflection of one-of-your-kind, repulsed by weakness and shiny-happy-people, you abandon the vigil or cross the line but maintain the illusion of choice. Any wonder you turn growling resentment inside-outward or deny wellsprings of spontaneous feelings that simmer beneath the surface to go the twin extremes a half life Jekyll and Hyde like, until one doesn't even recognize the other in the mirror image. but it;s an unconvincing safe-haven to avoid becoming something you fear.


strength (upright)
Guidance position

It's OK to be afraid, but steady your nerves and do it anyway -and no regrets, because when such an intimate crisis exposes your own human frailty or the pose reaches its most difficult state of endurance is when the potential for personal triumph is greatest.

So fucking stupid:
So I wrote Jon a letter on Monday. It was me pretty much laying my guts on the line. He got it the next day. "I got your mail, it is hard to talk about I'll write you back. So I dutifully check the mail. By Friday I ask him if I should stop looking for a letter. He says no I am going to send it down with my
Mom and you'll get it Saturday just as if I mailed it." Big surprise no letter with mom. I start sobbing immediately. She says, "well his recovery comes first."
I know he lied to me about the letter, there is no letter. Right back to the old ways. "He is such a fucking liar", I sobbed and walked out.
I get it. It is all about him. It always will be. What the fuck am I doing?
I am trying to be zen about it. With all the chaos just do and the answer will present itself. I know I am not going to get served with anything I can't handle but we are getting pretty fucking close to critical mass.

Post #334

Fine for Now

There was time, it took time (impossible)
There is time, so much time
There is time, so much time

All the kids on the waterfront shyly raise their hands
Done asking for your permission, please understand

If we’re all faltering, how’d I help with that?
If it’s all or nothing, then let me go.

If we’re all faltering, why’d I help with that?
If it’s all or nothing then let me go.

There was time, it took time (impossible)
There is time, so much time
There is time, so much time

All the kids on the waterfront shyly raise their hands
Done asking for your permission, please understand

If we’re all faltering, how’d I help with that?

If it’s all or nothing then let me go
If it’s all or nothing then let me go

Turns out, the rehab place jon's at won't let you out around the holidays, so no daddy for Christmas. Awesomeness! If I go East for Xmas, there will be bums and junkies in my posh(ish) San Francisco pad. Ugh.

An Education may be a good movie. Maybe if it wasn't about a lying man who cheats on his wife, it wouldn't be so pertinent. I want my $13 bucks back :(

Went and saw Jon today for the first in three weeks. He asked me if I lost weight. Ummm. He told me he was going to be recomended to stay another 28 days. I was keeping my sanity by saying at least he'll be home for Thanksgiving, at least he'll be home for e's birthday.
Nope.
I have to pack up the house. I have to put it on the market.
Awesomeness.

Addiction is a narcisistic disease. No shit.

Was up at his rehab place all day. So angry. I shouted in group. Partners in recovery is the name of that group. Said fuck a whole bunch of times. Yelled and sobbed at Jon.
19 days sober. I am jealous of all his rehab friends. They get to see the real him. A Jon I wouldn't recognize. He gets to play daddy for an hour or two and introduce e to all his rehab buddies. No way. He fucked that up. Ugh.
Let it go.
Loving detachment for my qualifier. Love your addict but don't trust them.

Fuckity fuck.

Went to my first al-anon meeting today and sobbed all the way through it. It was in the Castro so there were a lot of the gays. I was recommended a womens meeting Monday night. I got a bunch of hugs. This rock star guy named Nikita hugged me for so long that I started sobbing again, and he hugged me more. It was a nice non judgemental space. The lexicon is weird. Going up to see Jon for the first time in three weeks tomorrow. I should be used to him being gone, being distant, but I miss him so much. I am in charge - I am making a choice. Not getting any easier anytime soon.