FML

I worked on Sunday, 11-7. I work every Sunday, around 5 I get a phone call from j.
-Can you come home?
-Why what is wrong?
-Umm...there is something I need to talk to you about.
-Well, what is it? you are freaking me out?
silence
-I found a condom wrapper...and I found some things you wrote...
-You found a condom wrapper huh? You found some things I wrote. So now you take an interest? Now you are going through my journal? Now you care about what I am doing?
-Well normally I wouldn't go through your stuff and I found all these pages and I just wanted to know what was going on (trails off)
-Whatever, I did not have sex with him, if that is what you want me to come home for then that is silly. I will see you at 7:30 when I get off.

The "condom wrapper" he found was the ripped off bit of one of those packets of flower food that comes when you buy flowers, he "found" it on the fucking kitchen table, next to the irises I had bought for my fucking self.

Jon then ACCUSES me off having condoms in my room. Ummm, I am married, I hear, in some marriages sex even occurs.

It is stupid on so many levels I don't even want to address it or discuss it. Things are just devolving.

I have taken to writing some of my more erotic fantasies/dreams, (this is what he "found" in my drawer next to my bed) -They don't involve my husband. I am sure it would be easier to take if it was about someone else, someone I didn't see, Drew Carey perhaps but it wasn't. I am thinking I may put it up here, see if I can't get any feedback. It has been a long time people...

Anyway it is forbidden to have guests when j is gone. This has to be the worst "love triangle" ever. How am I really still not having sex with anyone?

FML.

keep 'em coming

So it has been a particularly shitty couple of weeks. Even more so than usual. And I can be all cavalier about it now, but on Tuesday I was sobbing into the phone to my old old shrink. This would be the same shrink who a) saved my life, b) who I have not spoken to since I blew off several appointments in SEPTEMBER 2007. It was/is desperate times. Jon was talking about having me committed either with my permission or not. I guess I am in a bad place. I do not want to be anywhere.
Before I knew I was suicidal and if I didn't "protect" myself I wasn't going to survive. Now I am more passive. I don't have a plan. I don't have the anxiety that makes me want to off myself. I just want to be gone. I don't want to be at work. I don't want to be with Jon, like at all. I have started calling him POTP*. Like, "POTP can you bring me some toilet paper?"
So last night I sat in my shrinks office with jon and was told I was broken. Told that I had a disease that I can't manage on my own. The reality is that I need to take antidepressants to tolerate life. The reality I am not going to be able to have any more children. I cannot handle what I have. I refuse to get pregnant while on SSRI's and this has nothing to do with the effects on the fetus (well something to do but that is not the main reason) How could I introduce another child to this life? To an unstable mother.
Example: I was checking the dog for fleas (i saw something suspicious) the dog got pissy, growled and snapped at me, trying to bite me. I LOST IT. I screeched at the dog and hit him, he got so scared he pissed. There was no warning, no building just one second concerned dog owner, the next second insane banshee woman full of regrets. Of course when I saw I scared the dog so much he peed. I cried and cried and E was looking at my hands looking for the blood saying, "it's ok mommy, it's ok."
I know it is not ok. If anyone ever told me they hit their dog and made it pee I would HATE that person. I would think what a terrible small horrible person. That person should be punished, their animals removed from the house. Perhaps I would push for incaceration to such a fucked up person. I would certainly not leave my CHILD with this awful person, they can't be trusted with a dog. I wouldn't want that nut job raising a child for sure...
But - it is me. Obviously, I have no choice. I am a danger to myself and my family. I have given up and thrown in the towel, again.
I cannot handle the truth, so I'll settle for shades of grey.



*POTP - Part of the Problem

Happy New Year 2009

Well, things have been happening. But if you were like, hey dude, what's new? I would say, oh you know same old. Because you don't really want to know...

But as a polite response, I will report the obvious.

I got a job. In a bookstore. How much do I love it? I am splitting my head like a cracked coconut with all the new information I am acquiring. I love it for 2 major reasons.
1. It is an independent bookseller, in a nice neighborhood with an intelligent, savvy, customer base.
2. I am so not with husband and the boy. Absence truly does make the heart grow fonder...till I am home with them and wishing I was anywhere but.

Thing I loathe about the job -
WAGE. I am just not sure it is sustainable.

Part where I catch up:
I had my brothers here for visits at different times for most of November.
Christmas was very quiet - just us.
It has been raining for weeks.
My MIL arrives on Thursday for a 5 day trip.
I am terrified of this trip. Apparently, my husband has been using his mother as his confidant for all the troubles he has endured with his crazy wife. I spoke with her today and she kept saying things like, ohhhhh I know all about that -when I thought I was dropping bombshells on her. I think she may have actually said, I know a lot more than you think. But I was crying and bitching. It was probably really stupid to call her. I was so pissed at husband. I didn't feel like I could call my mom or any of my friends. I wanted to call someone that would stand up for him.
What is wrong with me?
Anyhoo, I am pretty much positive we are looking at an intervention. Either we are going to have to have something with my husband or I am walking into another anti-depressant ultimatum.
Good Times.

Reading:
The Center Cannot Hold

Listening to (like it is the soundtrack to my life):
Panda Bear, Person Pitch.

Over Breakfast

"Elias you eat your peanut butter toast, then, while you are eating I can feed everyone else"
The kitties swarm around my ankles trying to kill me on route to their food, so thankful are they.
"Mom, you are taking care of the kitties right?
"yup
"then you feed Motu?
"yup
"and you already fed me?
"of course, you are the loudest you get fed first"
"who feeds you?
"ummm, well, i feed myself, quite frequently as it would seem
"who takes care of you?
"well, daddy I guess.
"then who takes care of daddy?
"well I take care of daddy and daddy takes care of me"
"NOOOOOOO that's silly.

Happy Halloween

Swift fire spread through
her veins, knocked at her heart,
Met the fire smouldering there
And overbore its lesser flame,
She gorged on bitterness without
a name:
Ah! fool, to choose such part
Of soul-consuming care!
Sense failed in the mortal strife:
Like the watch-tower of a town
Which an earthquake shatters down,
Like a lightning-stricken mast,
Like a wind-uprooted tree
Spun about,
Like a foam-topped water-spout
Cast down headlong in the sea,
She fell at last;
Pleasure past and anguish past,
Is it death or is it life ?

Spots

-I have a HUGE spot on my chin that may require stitches.
-E crying and whining at 10:21 pm last night (in his room). Still up at 5:30. lack of sleep makes me hate myself...
- E is yelling at the tv california not california not california not california not california. augh.

Score card: E -1 mommy - 0

Jeez where do I begin?
Well daddy left yesterday and so it is down to 2.
Pick E up from school.
He is hungry and eats and entire PB&J sandwich, score 1 for mommy.
He watches a little bit of the debate with me. He keeps calling McCain, Joe Bidden. I tell him "no, that is old man McCain, he is the bad guy." point to mommy. mommy 2- e 0.
He refuses to take bath. there is the first one for E. I trick him by letting him eat pudding in the tub. I think I lose a point for that. mommy 1 - E 1.
I break a cardinal parenting rule and walk away from the bathtub and go to fold some clothes in the other room. I can still see him rubbing something thick looking in his hair. It is my oil based super moisturizing body butter lotion. Point to E.
It is impossible to wash out and so he looks like a big grease ball. mommy 1 - E 2.
He spends like an hour in his room while I watch Americas Next Top Model and hoark down a 22 of Anchor Steam lager.
He comes out around 8:48. The threats start. mommy loses a point. mommy 0 - E 2.
I watch Leeann win Project runway. At least they shot down Kenley in a very satisfying way. But I wanted Korto to win. I liked her stylo.
I go to bed.
4:30 am
-mommy I have to pee.
-you peed?
-no I have to.
-ok
I take him to pee but I don't want to turn on the light and wake either of us up any more. I hear the pee hit the shower curtain. I have to take off his jammie bottoms because "they got all wet" with pee!
Back to bed- point to E for not peeing the bed. Mommy 0- e 3.
4:38
-mommy there are skeletons in my room
-ok get in the big bed. point to E. Mommy 0 - e 4.
We fall asleep face to face and he has his hand tucked into the pillow.
4:58
I wake up to a toenail in my lips. Make a mental note to cut toenails in the morning since my lip is bleeding. Roll over and go back to sleep.
8:45 wake up to E crushing my head with his legs.

trick e to getting into stroller because we are going to the bagel shop. (point to mommy)We do go to bagel shop but on route to school, because he doesn't want to go.
Drop him off at school and get cornered my A, a big girl at E's school. She tells me in great detail about her recent tooth loss. I feel faint as she wiggles her tongue in that icky tooth hole. you know what I mean with that red cushion of blood...swoon. I tell her I am not a fan of blood stories. So I take my leave as A screams "blood stories, blood story, blood story" at me through the mail slot. Point to mommy.
Final score: mommy 2 - E 4.

And by 10 am today my parental duties are done until maybe midnight tonight. I am going to a show tonight, by myself. I am having our beloved babysitter pick up Elias at school. I cannot remember the last time I went to a show by myself....
Jon and I were supposed to go together.
Then this trip came up suddenly. So he is in Vietnam.