You Know You Should Stop Drinking pt 52

I was just so sure my ass looked slammin in these jeans. There are app 26 shots of various angles of my ass. I feel like I need to share with the world (hi both of you) what a complete asshole I am.

eff me

Told by my husband, "Of course I havemore fun without you", Check.

Accused by my SBF of hooking up with someone, as if I am not An invisible old ugly hag. Check.

Sobbing in shower. Check.

Piece of glass the size of and eyelash stuck in my foot that bled like shit and hurt alot. Check

Bus driver pulling away looking Me in the eye. Check.

It is 9:15am.

Running to bus but he stopped this time the tides are turning.

My first entry sent from my iPhone

Ok you'll have to forgive the weird wording, iPhones are not for the fat of fingers. Also apple seems sure to know exactly what your thinking and the don't always accept corrections. So the boy and i are on our anual east coast trip. It has been fun, really fun. Today is Tuesday I think. We arrived Saturday morning after a hellish trip. On my efforts to 'save time' I have really jacked myself up. Also I haven't bathed in a house since I left california. My parents live on a lake here and swimming is way better than standing in a boring old shower. Also I need my sweat and stink shell to protect myself from the masses.

I am back on my anti depressants, zoloft. It was really sketchy Here for a while. Hit a nasty bump in early may and was coersed back on them. But now I am calm to the point of indifference. I am inorgasmic, not that it matters. Except it kinda does. It is just a bummer what I have to trade off to not be totally mental. Just weird. I mean I guess it is a trade, apathy for agitation. The no orgasm thing couldbe from the perfectly legal prescription of Valium I aquired. Makes me sleepy and literally a million miles away. See normally I would be too embarrassed to talk about my orgasms let alone my inability to make a go of it. Yet here I am.

Aren't you glad I broke my silence for this oversharing post?

FML

I worked on Sunday, 11-7. I work every Sunday, around 5 I get a phone call from j.
-Can you come home?
-Why what is wrong?
-Umm...there is something I need to talk to you about.
-Well, what is it? you are freaking me out?
silence
-I found a condom wrapper...and I found some things you wrote...
-You found a condom wrapper huh? You found some things I wrote. So now you take an interest? Now you are going through my journal? Now you care about what I am doing?
-Well normally I wouldn't go through your stuff and I found all these pages and I just wanted to know what was going on (trails off)
-Whatever, I did not have sex with him, if that is what you want me to come home for then that is silly. I will see you at 7:30 when I get off.

The "condom wrapper" he found was the ripped off bit of one of those packets of flower food that comes when you buy flowers, he "found" it on the fucking kitchen table, next to the irises I had bought for my fucking self.

Jon then ACCUSES me off having condoms in my room. Ummm, I am married, I hear, in some marriages sex even occurs.

It is stupid on so many levels I don't even want to address it or discuss it. Things are just devolving.

I have taken to writing some of my more erotic fantasies/dreams, (this is what he "found" in my drawer next to my bed) -They don't involve my husband. I am sure it would be easier to take if it was about someone else, someone I didn't see, Drew Carey perhaps but it wasn't. I am thinking I may put it up here, see if I can't get any feedback. It has been a long time people...

Anyway it is forbidden to have guests when j is gone. This has to be the worst "love triangle" ever. How am I really still not having sex with anyone?

FML.

keep 'em coming

So it has been a particularly shitty couple of weeks. Even more so than usual. And I can be all cavalier about it now, but on Tuesday I was sobbing into the phone to my old old shrink. This would be the same shrink who a) saved my life, b) who I have not spoken to since I blew off several appointments in SEPTEMBER 2007. It was/is desperate times. Jon was talking about having me committed either with my permission or not. I guess I am in a bad place. I do not want to be anywhere.
Before I knew I was suicidal and if I didn't "protect" myself I wasn't going to survive. Now I am more passive. I don't have a plan. I don't have the anxiety that makes me want to off myself. I just want to be gone. I don't want to be at work. I don't want to be with Jon, like at all. I have started calling him POTP*. Like, "POTP can you bring me some toilet paper?"
So last night I sat in my shrinks office with jon and was told I was broken. Told that I had a disease that I can't manage on my own. The reality is that I need to take antidepressants to tolerate life. The reality I am not going to be able to have any more children. I cannot handle what I have. I refuse to get pregnant while on SSRI's and this has nothing to do with the effects on the fetus (well something to do but that is not the main reason) How could I introduce another child to this life? To an unstable mother.
Example: I was checking the dog for fleas (i saw something suspicious) the dog got pissy, growled and snapped at me, trying to bite me. I LOST IT. I screeched at the dog and hit him, he got so scared he pissed. There was no warning, no building just one second concerned dog owner, the next second insane banshee woman full of regrets. Of course when I saw I scared the dog so much he peed. I cried and cried and E was looking at my hands looking for the blood saying, "it's ok mommy, it's ok."
I know it is not ok. If anyone ever told me they hit their dog and made it pee I would HATE that person. I would think what a terrible small horrible person. That person should be punished, their animals removed from the house. Perhaps I would push for incaceration to such a fucked up person. I would certainly not leave my CHILD with this awful person, they can't be trusted with a dog. I wouldn't want that nut job raising a child for sure...
But - it is me. Obviously, I have no choice. I am a danger to myself and my family. I have given up and thrown in the towel, again.
I cannot handle the truth, so I'll settle for shades of grey.



*POTP - Part of the Problem

Happy New Year 2009

Well, things have been happening. But if you were like, hey dude, what's new? I would say, oh you know same old. Because you don't really want to know...

But as a polite response, I will report the obvious.

I got a job. In a bookstore. How much do I love it? I am splitting my head like a cracked coconut with all the new information I am acquiring. I love it for 2 major reasons.
1. It is an independent bookseller, in a nice neighborhood with an intelligent, savvy, customer base.
2. I am so not with husband and the boy. Absence truly does make the heart grow fonder...till I am home with them and wishing I was anywhere but.

Thing I loathe about the job -
WAGE. I am just not sure it is sustainable.

Part where I catch up:
I had my brothers here for visits at different times for most of November.
Christmas was very quiet - just us.
It has been raining for weeks.
My MIL arrives on Thursday for a 5 day trip.
I am terrified of this trip. Apparently, my husband has been using his mother as his confidant for all the troubles he has endured with his crazy wife. I spoke with her today and she kept saying things like, ohhhhh I know all about that -when I thought I was dropping bombshells on her. I think she may have actually said, I know a lot more than you think. But I was crying and bitching. It was probably really stupid to call her. I was so pissed at husband. I didn't feel like I could call my mom or any of my friends. I wanted to call someone that would stand up for him.
What is wrong with me?
Anyhoo, I am pretty much positive we are looking at an intervention. Either we are going to have to have something with my husband or I am walking into another anti-depressant ultimatum.
Good Times.

Reading:
The Center Cannot Hold

Listening to (like it is the soundtrack to my life):
Panda Bear, Person Pitch.

Over Breakfast

"Elias you eat your peanut butter toast, then, while you are eating I can feed everyone else"
The kitties swarm around my ankles trying to kill me on route to their food, so thankful are they.
"Mom, you are taking care of the kitties right?
"yup
"then you feed Motu?
"yup
"and you already fed me?
"of course, you are the loudest you get fed first"
"who feeds you?
"ummm, well, i feed myself, quite frequently as it would seem
"who takes care of you?
"well, daddy I guess.
"then who takes care of daddy?
"well I take care of daddy and daddy takes care of me"
"NOOOOOOO that's silly.