UGH

Today started shitty.
Usually jon gets up with E if he gets up before 7:30. Because, well, I am a fucking bitch. J will get him started with breakfast and then I come out and j gets in the shower.
Today, E got animal crackers for breakfast. So of course when I tried to give him yogurt or bagel or non-ice cream food he rejected it. I was really mad at j for giving him cookies and e for waking up so early and me for always being too angry.

Anyway, we go the Exploratorium. It is Spring break and therefore a nightmare. E is crabby as hell. He keeps running away and not listening. I start losing my patience more and more and my reactions to E's running away becomes less and less respectable, more reactionary and hysterical and grabby every time he runs away from me.
We were there with our dear friends M and her son L.

My response to E crying and acting up is I just stand there and look at him. He is literally on the floor crying in the middle of this place and I am standing over him waiting for his tantrum to end. I know M finds this abhorrent and is always trying to comfort E as I grow increasingly stony. After the museum I am anxious to get home, however I don't say anything because I don't want to be an inconvenience. She is driving. I want to put E to bed and she wants to walk around ( her son doesn't nap anymore ) Admittedly, I was acting like a sullen child watching my own sullen child cry by the duck pond.

M starts to talk to me and telling me I need to get some distance and some perspective. I need to put him in childcare and I need to try to find joy or purpose in my life. My giving in and reacting with anger to his typical 2 year old behavior is bad for everyone involved. She offered to talk to her childcare person for me, I told her I couldn't do that. M has her dream job, I said if I had work or something that I cared about maybe I wouldn't mind putting E in child-care. But to put him in childcare just to get away from it all and work at a coffee shop isn't something I can or want to do.

Putting E in childcare will help him to share with other kids better and not to hit (he loves to hit L, 'cause guess where he learned it, (not that I blame L because it would have been another kid I didn't love that taught him otherwise)) I was getting really angry at E for repeatedly hitting L at the museum.

So she said, well what is your dream job? What are your dreams? What do you want to be when you grow up?
I started crying, like a lot, and very suddenly.

Cause the reality of pre-school is coming. I am supposed to hand my kid over to someone, pay them $89 per day, and go and find out what I am. (and pay for pre-school)

This is the reason I had a kid. I didn't know what I wanted to do.
I don't know what I love, I don't know what turns me on, what gets my blood boiling. I am so out of touch with my own needs and wants.
I don't know what my dreams are. I don't even know how to play a game like "what would your dream job be" as my mom is always trying to make me play.

I am scared. Everything feels like a cop-out. I am scared to admit or acknowledge my future is coming, am I going to miss it?

I can't talk to j about any of this, his response is "go back on the anti-depressants." Dr Liza wanted me to treat my depression as a disease (if you had high blood pressure you would take your meds wouldn't you?)

But I think I am just scared and lazy and have bad social anxiety. I can't blame it hormonal fluctuation anymore. This is the real deal. I am fucked up. I am not PMS-ing. I am supposed to be feeling good.

The real deal is not pretty. That my son would probably be better off with someone else taking care of him. I don't feel like I can give my job away, i feel like it is the only thing defining me. God it is an ugly cycle. I have no "skills" per se. I have to get a sitter to get a job and I have to have a job to get a sitter. I know I am using that as my ultimate excuse

I wished for the Goblin King to come and take him away yesterday and I swear he disappeared for 5 seconds.

God I can hardly stand my fucking self-involved, bourgeois, problems.