In the present I am very narrow. I rarely think past today. Sometimes when someone asks me what's for dinner before noon I panic.
I am in the now. I think it is probably the place for all SAHM with a toddler. I think of our next meal and our next activity. The present is long. The present right now means, x hours till bedtime (seven but who's counting). The present seems like forever. E will always be a pain in my butt that doesn't listen to me.
I made this big confession today to my friend M.
"I don't like being a mom. There is so much ingratitude. I am starving for the 'good' parts of it."
"The thing is, I am pretty sure you are going to look back at these days as the best of your life, it only goes downhill from here."
Even as the words were coming our of her mouth I knew it was true. I am mired in minutia of the present. Future kristen is going to laugh at past kristen like she always does, Hegelian twilight and all...
So I live in the present terrified of the future. Of all the mistakes, the things we did and din't do - The regrets.
However, quoting M again, Don't give your fear power. Once it has strength, it grows legs, and it is aweful hard to reel back in.
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