Markers and Milestones

Tomorrow is my last day at the hospital. This last month has seemed so long and simultaneously so short.
I don't feel like I am the same hopelessly morose girl that checked in, but it seems like it was just a few days ago that I was hourly, if not minutely, trying to talk myself out of the Bell Jar.

Also middle March will mark a full year of the depression. It was really shitty from end of November until I went in to the hospital. I really didn't think I was going to make it. It sounds so dramatic, but suicide really seemed like the only option for many of those black days. I was in so much pain. Since then I have had probably 10 days of "good days" in the last month. 1o whole days of just passive suicidal ideations and not full on planning and sending out goodbye letters to friends. They keep telling me this is the road to recovery. Of course I will still have bad days (Friday to Monday were very ugly) but they will be less and less and permeated by good days.

The hospital was miraculous for being able to push my meds to a therapeutic level in a much shorter time than Dr. Liz ever felt comfortable to do with me alone. It would have taken her weeks to triage me up to the same levels that I was able to do in a couple of days at the PHP.

We hired a wonderful babysitter. Kelly has been a god sent. She is working about 30 hours a week. Now that my stint in the hospital is coming to a close, I am going to have to find something else with which to structure my time - a part-time job, a class, who knows?!

I have lifted my self-imposed "do not allow kristen to be alone with the baby" rule. I feel so much safer for everyone else involved.
I am trying to limit my self-judgement and self prophesying catastrophic thinking.
I am hoping I learned enough over this last month and year to avoid every letting myself get that bad again.
Also drugs are not bad. I am currently still taking 4 different meds. So they are helping a lot.