All Eyes on Pakistan

For WWIII-

Today is my last day of taking care of my neighbors cat. Apparently not a moment too soon. As I may or may not have mentioned in the past. I hate cats.
I was cleaning up and making sure the place looked neat and stuff.
E loves their house because they have two floors. He gets up the stairs and requests "mummy monster" so I scare him and chase him all over. I took the poop litter outside, and don't you know, I locked myself out. My neighbors are due home today so that wouldn't have been too big of a deal, except I had locked E inside. After 1 minute of panic, I grabbed a ladder, took it up the stairs outside and climbed to the top of the ladder and kinda had to jump to a window. Had I been 2oz fatter, I would have fallen and broken my ankle(s). I had to hoist my enormous ass into the window (thank god it was unlocked) and then dump myself into the house onto their synthesizer. It was exactly as graceful as it sounds. I was wearing lime green pj bottoms with navy blue sweatered polar bears propped up with ski paraphernalia, and oyster colored "shearling" slippers, both presents from my moms.
I get inside and E didn't even notice I was gone. The E runs aggressively at their cat like he does to ours and the cat took a swipe at him and scratched him on the leg. About 1 minute after I am back in the house, directly right under my nose.
My belly and my legs hurt from hanging into the window. When I was hanging with my huge, lime green ass kinda stuck in the window, moving musical instruments from breaking my fall in, while trying to summon the remaining strength to drag my business end into the house. I must have looked like a flannel clad horse-ass in a traveling wagon.

Brighteners for the Pet Lover's Heart, December 28:
Buterflies are at first long worms.
But then they start living right.
-A Child's Garden of Misinformation

Yuckers.