And you thought egg shells were fragile...

I am feeling a little fragile. I sent out a few feeler emails to friends in NYC. Most of whom I have been abominably shitty at keeping in contact.

this was one of the replies I rec'd:

We were sad but we felt resolved about your absence from our lives since we in many ways gave you our honest love and friendship. We felt good about our lives crossing on this earth. We remember you mostly having tons of fun together.You tried to continue the friendship from the distance and then you got very depressed and I understand that. I don't understand J's inability to honor a friendship. I know that you attempted to offer a light into this but you rightly felt that it was not your position to excuse him or to explain him....... once he wrote a long and heartfelt email to both of us. We responded extensively and encouraged him to continue even if it was sporadically but he never wrote one single line again and that was a long time ago. When you constantly extended invitations to come and visit you in San Fran we often wonder how could we accept since J practically had stop talking to us? We did not think that coming to visit you would be appropriate. So what do you do? You respect people's choices and move forward in the best of ways. All that said seeing you would be wonderful. We have tons of things to catch up on I bet. But the weekend is jammed packed. Two shows, one concert, one Birthday BBQ and one wedding. I am doing K's flowers for the reception. Perhaps we can all have lunch near by S's office one day? Let me know if you would like to do this and we can select a date.

I don't understand the source of these feelings this is giving me. I feel bad and stupid like I just got caught. I feel so unbelievably guilty. Guilty and ashamed.
I guess because this was my heart family. I LOVE the person that wrote this. It seems so weird so unwarranted. Why take it to this level of drama? Yes, I personally feel crushed.
Misdirected energy on my part, I guess. It is weird to be told a friendship is over that you were not aware could end. Let alone one that had ended a long time ago.
The last four or so sentences would have been plenty.

I guess I just feel stupid for being so very very wrong. My ego is mortally wounded from the slightest of consternation. I don't think I can reply to this, I don't know what I could say. It would be foolish either way.

My friendship was not enough, it sort of solidifies and old idea that I was just the person you endured when you wanted to hang out w/ my husband. It seems to bring to a zenith my feelings of inadequacy. I bet I don't have loads of things to catch up on, I had a kid, I am a stay at home mom, I don't count. I am the one putting all these labels on myself and I am owning them.