I Left my Sanity in San Francisco

The only adult interactions I have lately are with therapists. It is a very surreal mindset to go from instinctual toddler care to trying to probe your mind for incidents you've been trying to forget.
For some reason I went from seeing none to four in the span of two weeks. Shopping for a shrink is a serious time investment. But I 've settled on Dr. Liz. She is the most indulgent thing I have ever had.

It has been unbelievably cold here in the City by the Bay.

Good thing about Zoloft:
I am making eye contact again.
Sometimes I even initiate conversations, instead of my usual social charm of trying to pretend I am invisible.

The Concentration man, In the last year + I may have read 4 books, Maybe. But I am back as the reading machine I once was. Please allow me to ........0000000000 myself by listing the books I have read in the last two months:
The Time Travelers Wife.
The Historian.
The Life of Pi.
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the night-time.
The Kite Runner (part of the San Francisco reading club last month.)
Middlesex.
Marley and Me.
The Grass is Singing: by Doris Lessing.
Surfacing: by Margaret Atwood.
There is No You Without Me: by Melissa Fay Greene.
I didn't list the authors of the pop books. I thought this list would be more impressive, maybe I forgot some...

Anyone reading anything amazing that I may like?
I could do a book swap with you, fun mail!

anyone?

Bring on the Sticks and Stones

I had a 90 minute intake session this morning (with a woman who may just save my life).
There were words used, words like:
Manic Depressive,
Bi-Polar Disorder,
Crisis Mode,
Psychosis,
Aggressive Medication Therapy,
Disease,
Sickness,
Chemical Imbalance.

Just a little indication on how the year has been thus far...

Silver Lining?

At least while I am wearing a pad the size of a Subaru, since there is no tampon that can staunch the current without causing me horrible cramps, my jeans don't reek like the tiny pee that escapes every time I cough.
Have I mentions I am still recovering from the flu?
I cough, a lot.
Cumulatively, there is a lot of piss in my pants.

When do I know it is time to switch to pee pads? Perhaps I should grab some now, you know, just while I am coughing...

You know it is a good weekend when you end it with a 911 call

All day Friday, the baby barfed and shat his way through all of our laundry. Come Saturday, still barfing and loose stooling everywhere. By Sunday, Jon was barfing, and I came down with it Monday.

Sunday night our Carbon Monoxide detector went off and it said to dial 911. I always obey my household appliances when they tell me to do things.
I called 911 and the baby got to see all the fire trucks of san francisco tear down our street. It was cool.

Until they made fun of me because I kept calling it the CO2 alarm. They told us to change the batteries and then I heard them grumbling.

The fireman that came to our call were HOT!
Even jon was a little afluttered by them, he was like "was it me of did that first guy look like Jake Gyllenhaal?"

Isn't it Ironic

So as the poster child for manic depression. I went on a fierce spending spree of money we don't have and bought these super fly jeans. I have a problem with denim. I literally spent more on these pants than my monthly car payments. (last time I owned a car was a long time ago, but granted...)
But you know what? I can fit into normal, snazzy jeans for the first time in two years so fuck it. They are Paige Premium Denim.
So yeah - I am wearing PPD jeans. It says it right on my pants!
jon and I laughed so hard about it when he pointed it out that I think we both started to cry, like for real... and then it turned into yet another serious discussion about 'what is to be done.'

So sorry family and friends no xmas gifts for you. I have PPD jeans!

Don't Call it a Comeback

So I have been on the anti-depressants for about 2 months.
And for a while they really seemed to be helping, like a lot. I thought the "bad time" was behind us. Then over the last two weeks I have "relapsed," I don't even know what the fuck to call it.
But I feel crazier than before.
So strange. I was feeling GGGGGRREEEAAAAATTTT! Making plans, showering, having dinner ready on the table. Actually able to accomplish things and not just dwell under a shitload of doubt, sadness, and fear.
Now I am at a deeper pit than I was. I am scared.
I want this to stop.
I cannot even begin to tell you how much shit our fucking insurance has put us through.

I am taking my meds, WTF?

I have an emergency visit with my shrink today. Since he is going on Holiday. And jon stayed home from work on Tuesday and now he feels stressed about his job.

So we are out here, crazy, alone and no job security. At least the weather is nice...

The Kims

There is nothing I can add to this tragedy. It has been written about beautifully all over the internet.

Their shop, Doe, is a few doors down from us. As a fellow Hapa family, we watched their family grow with interest. Our paths crossed on a very regular basis, but I didn't know them.

We were in the same restaurant as them when Penelope pooped in the toilet and announced it. James beamed and congratulated her. He was so sweet with his girls.

While waiting for him to be found, I couldn't look at the photos, it is too easy to replace my own skinny asian guy's face with his.
I cannot imagine those last hours, what could they have said to each other?

I know that in the same situation, we would do anything to save our kids. In this modern age when could we think that we would have to?

Kati you are in my heart...
Sabine and Penelope, your father was a great man.