New Low in Humiliation

Ok, no woman is thrilled to have to endure the rigors of the annual "exam." It is a nerve-wracking, humiliating, uncomfortable and generally sucky experience.
That being said here are a couple of tips to make it slightly less so.

1) DO NOT eat a bulb of roasted garlic 12 hours before your exam. Not only do your farts smell EXACTLY like garlic but, your garlic-y essence has a way of filling up any small space you may inhabit - Be that a small exam room, an entire bus or an astrodome.
2) When you have been "bumped" by your regular Dr. (how Late Show of them) Make sure you ask some relevant questions about your fill-in Dr. Namely, is the DR, who is going to be going where VERY few have gone before, hot?

Dr fill-in walks in and I think, If I weren't married and this guy wasn't eminently going to be looking at my gingham, would this be an appropriate time to ask someone out? He was young, slim, from the India region (yes I am also a secret curry queen - I just likes men from the whole Asian area), nicely dressed, and beautiful heavy lashed eyes. He was really handsome. As if I wasn't already anxious and nervous... the dr is in and he is HOT. I mean not like conventionally hot but, very kristen hot.

I had my little list of items to address with the dr as usually the second I walk in somewhere vaguely medical I shut-down. So much more in this case.

Why is it the jonny thing they give you have to be so unbelievably awkward? I want dr hot to look at a skin tag on my back that keeps getting snagged by my bra and bleeding. Bleeding mole = skin cancer. While dr hot is trying so hard to keep my modesty intact, my boobs are everywhere, it was like they were a school of dolphins popping up for air. No matter how he tried to drape the jonny it wasn't enough to keep my mammoth mammaries from making themselves known. He listening to my heart and he is telling me to take deep breathes and my boobs are vying for attention, "look at me, pay attention to me!"

kristen nervous = copious amounts of sweat. After the dreaded breast exam that goes on and on because I had discovered an anomaly last week. Apparently I have a cyst. He is like "OK, ready for the pelvic? just scoot your bottom right here" Sounds easy right? Humiliating but easy. Somehow the jonny has ridden up under me and my ass and sweaty thighs have turned the protective paper below me into some kind of papery butt plug / wedgie that there is no way to disengage gracefully. UGH. I can imagine while he is down under there are bits of white paper caught in all my crevices. We both have a laugh at my expense.

I have another disease called, "I think everyone is in love with me-itis." Dr hot is either fumbly or really he was in love with me because he kept dropping things. He dropped two, yes TWO speculums, the light thing that looks in you eyes and ears, and his pen several times. He spazes out trying to get the stirrups out from under the exam table. And while my legs where akimbo in the stirrups he gets his stethoscope caught on the snakey light they use for the "close-up" and almost gets jerked literally, into a big hair pie, I can safely say that is the only time I have laughed while having a pap smear.

Finally, it is over and dr hot says, "ok i will be right back" So I get dressed. He returns with my real dr. Who I was told was on vacation?!?! Apparently dr hot wants a second opinion re: the weird cyst thing that has set up camp in my right breast. I take off my shirt (huge armpit stains) and my bra that has seen cleaner days. Somehow when you are in the jonny, you are anticipating the indignity that goes with being a patient. In your street clothes it is just wrong, like your street clothes betrayed you. So I am back on the exam table, naked from the waist up, while I get my second breast exam in 15 minutes, she also giving dr hot pointers on how various techniques used for large breasted women. Dr chang was trying to work the cyst out like she was a shiatszu masseur fighting a pesky knot. Now I have never had a cyst before, but it is tender and a little achey especially after the onslaught it has endured. The she tells me to keep an eye on it and because it moves and it smooth, she goes on and on about how invasive biopsies are and in woman my age it is almost normal blah blah blah. So dr chang goes to shake my hand and leaves. Mind-you I have been topless this whole time. She whips open the door and it must have been the moment when everyone in the secondary waiting room was looking at the door, because I flashed no less than four people who just happen to be looking at the right place at the right time. Then I had to get dressed IN FRONT of dr hot.

I have to have some retail therapy to erase the horror of the exam. I go to try on some earrings, and by try on I mean hold next to my head. I have lately taken to drawing in my scandalously light eyebrows, and it is duly noted that I am still experimenting with the right "look" for my brows. Apparently I had gone for the shocked and appalled look this day.

It is a wonder I still leave my house...